Blood Moon: Chapter Five

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 40
“Gah!” I jump up. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, Bryson!” He grins sheepishly.

“Zach told us you were here. James told me to check up on you,” he says. I snort. He ignores me. “So, in fulfilling my duty, how are you?” I respond by kicking up some dirt.

“I want to kick his ass.”

“I figured as much.” A great idea suddenly comes to mind.

“Will you substitute?” I ask. A confused look crosses his face as he tries to grasp my meaning, since I won’t let him see it in my mind. “Shall I demonstrate?” And I jump at him, phasing. As soon as he sees me change he phases as well, and launches his dark brown form at me. We collide with a loud sound, like thunder, and fall to a snarling heap on the ground, both trying to gain the advantage.

Although he’s older and bigger than I am, speed is on my side. He tries to pin me to the ground using brute force, but I dart to the side. As a rule, we are not allowed in each other’s mind while we’re fighting. So, quickly, before he rethinks his strategy, I propel myself at him again and open my jaws to take a snap at his flank. But he quickly twists around, taking my target away from me, and headbutts me hard in the ribs.

I snarl as I go down, roll over a couple times, and spring back on to my feet. My ears go flat against my head and my lips curl back to show my fangs. We circle each other, me trying to find an opening in his defenses. I lunge at him, but he snaps his jaws in my face. He tries to circle behind me, but I’m quicker. It goes on like this for a few minutes.

Then, when he’s least expecting it, I attack. Running towards him, he anticipates my move and aims for my throat. But at the last second, I duck and slide under him, snapping at his soft belly, and pop back up on the other side with a mouthful of brown fur, which I immediately spit out. I dig my claws into the ground for more traction as I prepare for my next assault. His eyes narrow in concentration. I back up a few steps, giving me room as I start off running again. Bryson drop down, thinking I’m using my last move again, but its what I need. I lower my own body as I barrel into him, ramming him into a tree. I dance up to him and wrap my mouth around his throat before he has a chance to get back up.

You lose, I tell him smugly as I let go of him. I smile a wolfy smile as he phases back.

“You fight dirty.” He tells me with a sourpuss face. I phase back and laugh.

“It only seems that way ‘cause you can’t fight.” I still sport my smug look. Bryson rolls his eyes.

“Well, I only hope I made you feel better.” contemplate this for a moment.

“Mmm…well, maybe a little.” Bryson just shakes his head.

“Well, that’s good, I suppose.” I kick leaves at him and his sarcasm. He jumps back, avoiding the attack, and grins.

“Ok, I see how it is. Whenever we meet up at noon, he wants you to tell him what happened.” He tells me.

“Why doesn’t he just tell me that himself?”

“He’d rather not be eaten alive. That’s scary, when your temper scares even the alpha. You better remember that. “ He pauses. “And don’t tell him that I said that, though he’ll figure it out sooner or later.” He grins and I grin, and he runs off. I’m suddenly alone again as I flop back to the ground and close my eyes. I’m just too tired of all this to care about my surroundings, so I doze before I return to my duties.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey, guys. first of all, thanks for reading and helping me with this!! I kinda hate to disappoint you, but it'll take a while for chapter 6 to appear. I'm still in the process of writing it, and I've had major writer's block and not alot of time, so please bear with me.

Also, I'm thinking of changing a few names, mainly Asriel's. So if you have any suggestions, please feel free to post it or pm me!!

thanks!!
~enjeru
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2476
Reviews 119
Yeah its a little cliche and emo but i like it. it isn't half bad even though emo and cliche are 2 things i hate very much indeed. But well thought out and written.

That is all i have to say. If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime i will get back to you ASAP!

Thanks SimonCowellLuver/Gothgirl01
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1609
Reviews 602
Hey enjeru! :D

This is a really short chapter, but I'll do an in-depth crit anyways.

“Gah!” I jump up. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, Bryson!” He grins sheepishly.

“Zach told us you were here. James told me to check up on you,” he says. I snort. He ignores me. “So, in fulfilling my duty, how are you?” I respond by kicking up some dirt.


This bit seems a bit funky, because although I know who's saying what, the way you arranged things makes it a little confusing. Here's an example:
• "Don't sneak up on me like that, Bryson!" He grins sheepishly.
I think you should put the 'He grins sheepishly' this way:
• He grins sheepishly. "Zach told us you were here, (etc..)"

We collide with a loud sound, like thunder, and fall to a snarling heap on the ground, both trying to gain the advantage.


The part I've underlined seems kind of odd. Maybe try just 'we collide with a sound like thunder'?

Running towards him, he anticipates my move and aims for my throat.


I think this should be: I run towards him, but my anticipates my move and aims for my throat.

“You fight dirty.” He tells me with a sourpuss face. I phase back and laugh.


The period after 'dirty' should be a comma. Also, you use the word 'phase' a lot. :P

“It only seems that way ‘cause you can’t fight.” I still sport my smug look.


Period after 'fight' = comma. :wink: The sentence could be re-worded to: "It only seems that way 'cause you can't fight," I tell him, still sporting a smug expression.

“Well, I only hope I made you feel better.” contemplate this for a moment.


Huh...? Did you mean to put an 'I' before 'contemplate'?

He grins and I grin, and he runs off. I’m suddenly alone again as I flop back to the ground and close my eyes. I’m just too tired of all this to care about my surroundings, so I doze before I return to my duties.


This seems a little rushed. What did he look like as he ran off, and what did Asriel think of that?

------------------------------------------

Firstly, this is an uber-short chapter. I think you rushed things a little - I would have liked more substance, more of Asriel's feelings, and most of all, more description. I could picture this in my head, but I think you can create a more vivid mental image. Example:

But he quickly twists around, taking my target away from me, and headbutts me hard in the ribs.


Did this hurt her? Obviously it did, or it hurt her pride anyways, because she snarled after, but I feel like you should describe the pain to make the reader relate more to Asriel. :wink:

Anyways. I like it, but it could be improved with more description. Also, the whole fight seemed kind of random. Asriel wasn't thinking of it in the previous chapter, and there wasn't much narration besides from recounting the action - did she plan this? What was she thinking as she attacked Bryson? Most of all, why did she do it?

I disagree with SimonCowellLuver. This is not cliché, nor is it emo.

Yeah... keep writing! Unfortunately, I'm bad with names, so I haven't got any suggestions. >.< PM me when chapter six is up!

Cheers,
Camille =)
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 85
Yay! You wrote chapter 5! There isn't really much to say about it. The grammar and spelling was good and yes, it was kind of short. Some sentences were worded oddly, but Wolf caught them all. My only suggestions are:

1. Work on your descriptions. This chapter was lacking in them.

2. Slow down a little bit and take time to explain things.

Otherwise, this chapter was an improvement from your others. They aren't so choppy anymore. Good job!

Nariel
It's the very witching time of night.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 40
woo-hoo!!

sorry about it being so short. i'm trying to adjust the chapters as i edit, so i'll fix that. >.>

but thanks!!

~enjeru
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold



The DEPTH of emotions involved in cabbage farming...
— Snoink