Milkman!

OK, I wrote this to get out of Writer's Block. It's the most random thing I've made written, but hey! I will be introsucing more characters and I know its not vey long but I wrote it a few minutes ago This is the start of chapter one, I don't know if I will carry on or not.

Dedicated to those who fought and died during the postal strike of 2007.

Chapter One: Annual Meetings

“Milkman!” He turned round, to see a tall figure, wearing a dark red T-shirt running towards him, carrying a rolled up newspaper. Milkman flinched a little before responding.

“Postman… We meet again,” said Milkman, who stood with his dark blue cap, dark blue shirt, and generally dark blue everything else, narrowed his eyes upon the towering figure. Postman’s shadow disappeared into the black alley, as he moved towards Milkman tightening his grip on the paper.

“Bend over, I’m goanna stick this newspaper in your letterbox…”

“Let’s not be rash, put it down. Now.”

Postman roared with laughter, and only raised his fist higher yet.

“You asked for this,” murmured Milkman. His hands disappeared into his luminous blue cape and produced a large, glass, bottle. It shimmered under the cold street lights as he clenched it between both eager and waiting hands.

Like a lightning bolt, Postman leapt past Milkman and hurdled himself into the deserted street. Silently his cape billowed in the wind.

“One step closer and I’ll call Policeman.”

Postman whimpered a little and dropped the newspaper. “You wouldn’t dare!”

Now, it was Milkman’s turn to laugh. He gave a weak chortle, and clicked his fingers. The tarmac began to tremor violently under Postman’s feet. “What are you doing?” he cried, “what’s that?”

Suddenly, something flickered in front of Milkman’s eyes. “Remember Bessie? You tortured her and fed her with second rate nuclear waste!”

“I—but—what the!”

Bessie, the radioactive cow burst into the streets, and hit Postman with a bang. He tumbled down and crashed into the drainpipe. Milkman looked up just in time, to see Postman scurry off into the nearby alleyway, tail between his legs.

Smiling jovially, he moved over towards Bessie. Her skin gave off a bright green glow, and her fluorescent emerald eyes sparkled as they locked upon Milkman. One year to day that she bit him, and turned him from your local milkman; weird old men with dodgy vans, to Milkman; young and small with a speedy 20 mph Milk-mobile. Then, he met Postman. How he had obtained his mighty powers, no-one knows. Only Businessman, high up in the executive char in the sky.

Thus began the Milk-Post war.

Soon after, Milkman and Postman began ragin war with Roses, thus began the War of the Roses.


^
Ignore the last bit, I just added it

Can I just ask-what?

No really, what?

Ah, that caused me a laugh. But if you don't mind, I'm not giving it a full crit... I have a feeling you don't really want one either....

You know, you'd think that even with writer's block you'd get something a little less... random...

oh well. It was a bit of fun I'm guessing. Bessie the Radioactive Cow, I like it.

And people died in the postal strike? Oh dear.

lol, nah no one really died in the postal strike, it was jut me taking the mick

That was so odd!

I am here to say that your story was ok but cliche. Also the picture was a little odd for a moment there.

Kind of creepy.LOL Well i think you should not do things that are cliche it makes it sound old. Gah! I hate old.

Well when you fix it let me know i would like to read it over again. Ok. Just Pm it to me.

Gotta Go. SimonCowellLuver

What's the cliche bit? I was purposley taking the mick out of Batman and that

Strange, yet compellingly humorous. I loved Bessie. She made the tone less "from the darkest and most random parts of the brain" and more "what would happen if the service industry was made up of robot/nuclear enhanced people?". A fun quick read, I'd say.

That was great. I had a good laugh over Milkman being a superhero... or something.... And Business Man was hysterical.

There were a few typographical and grammar errors, but I am going to follow suite with Stella and not point them out. This was a fun piece to read and it didn't suffer too much from them.

Exceptionally random, but I'm glad it busted you out of Writer's Block! I wish I could produce such high-quality ramblings out of my own stuck-ness.

*thumbs up* Great job.

~GryphonFledgling

At first I thought that this was kind of boring...

But then I started laughing...

And I loved the Bessie part. That cracked me up.

And Business man.

I don't know if I would continue this, because often, you come up with a random comedy, but it just gets worse as you go along.

Whatever...

This was randomly hilarious.

And of course, it doesn't need editing...

So keep writing!!

Teh Wozzinator

lol Ye, I might carry on, but this is sort of a spoof of an animation I made called, yes, you guessed it, Milkman.

Wow, err...

*dies of a laughing fit*
*gasping for breath*

I have returned from the dead to give you this critique!

[quote]
“Milkman!” He turned round, to see a tall figure, wearing a dark red T-shirt running towards him, carrying a rolled up newspaper. Milkman flinched a little before responding.

“Postman… We meet again,” said Milkman, who stood with his dark blue cap, dark blue shirt, and generally dark blue everything else, narrowed his eyes upon the towering figure. Postman’s shadow disappeared into the black alley, as he moved towards Milkman tightening his grip on the paper.

“Bend over, I’m goanna stick this newspaper in your letterbox…”

“Let’s not be rash, put it down. Now.”

Postman roared with laughter, and only raised his fist higher yet.

“You asked for this,” murmured Milkman. His hands disappeared into his luminous blue cape and produced a large, glass, bottle. It shimmered under the cold street lights as he clenched it between both eager and waiting hands.

Like a lightning bolt, Postman leapt past Milkman and hurdled himself into the deserted street. Silently his cape billowed in the wind.

“One step closer and I’ll call Policeman.”

Postman whimpered a little and dropped the newspaper. “You wouldn’t dare!”

Now, it was Milkman’s turn to laugh. He gave a weak chortle, and clicked his fingers. The tarmac began to tremor violently under Postman’s feet. “What are you doing?” he cried, “what’s that?”

Suddenly, something flickered in front of Milkman’s eyes. “Remember Bessie? You tortured her and fed her with second rate nuclear waste!”

“I—but—what the!”

Bessie, the radioactive cow burst into the streets, and hit Postman with a bang. He tumbled down and crashed into the drainpipe. Milkman looked up just in time, to see Postman scurry off into the nearby alleyway, tail between his legs.

Smiling jovially, he moved over towards Bessie. Her skin gave off a bright green glow, and her fluorescent emerald eyes sparkled as they locked upon Milkman. One year to day that she bit him, and turned him from your local milkman; weird old men with dodgy vans, to Milkman; young and small with a speedy 20 mph Milk-mobile. Then, he met Postman. How he had obtained his mighty powers, no-one knows. Only Businessman, high up in the executive char in the sky.

Thus began the Milk-Post war.

Soon after, Milkman and Postman began ragin war with Roses, thus began the War of the Roses.

Hey Aed.

“Milkman!” He turned round, to see a tall figure, wearing a dark red T-shirt running towards him, carrying a rolled up newspaper. Milkman flinched a little before responding.

I find this choppy, maybe you could add some more descriptive words like so:

"Milkman!"

(describe the milkman here) turned around, his eyes widened in question. A tall figure wearing a dark red t-shirt, he was carrying a rolled up newspaper, and was sprinting towards the Milkman.

something like this is a lot less choppy and it flows.
All you have to do is play with the positions of the sentences and take out/add words.

Postman’s shadow disappeared into the black alley, as he moved towards Milkman tightening his grip on the paper.

What time of day is it? What is the setting? Tell us more. For the last bit when the Postman tightens his grip on the paper maybe you could say something like this:

he moved towards Milkman, his knuckles turning white as he tightened his grip on the paper.


Also you have some errors in this sentence, this is how it should be:
Postman’s shadow disappeared into the black alley, he moved towards Milkman he tightened his grip on the paper.

“Bend over, I’m goanna stick this newspaper in your letterbox…”

This is confusing, who is talking here? Who has the paper?

Silently his cape billowed in the wind.

Now he has a cape? It should be like this:
his cape Silently billowing in the wind.

“One step closer and I’ll call Policeman.”

Postman whimpered a little and dropped the newspaper. “You wouldn’t dare!”

I thought Milkman was chasing Postman? Who is saying what. You [b]need[b] to tell us who is talking...

and clicked his fingers.

Don't you mean "snapped" his fingers?

Bessie, the radioactive cow burst into the streets,

Describe the cow.

and hit Postman with a bang.

It should be:
and hit Postman with a bang.

Milkman looked up

Was he looking down before? I thought he was watching Postman?

Thus

I think "The" would sound better... Unless you plan to write the entire thing in old English.


Overall I like it, its fun I like your ideas.
The characters are very shallow (undeveloped) and you leave us hanging in several bits of the story.
Keep going with it.

-Gwen

PS.
I liked how you called them "Milkman", "Postman" and "Policeman"

Oh thanks! I will have fireman, deliveryman, loads of stuff lol!

Although it had good spelling, etc., it really didn't capture my interest and attention. Maybe if you made it more actiony, it would be better. Also, Bessie seemed like a deus ex machina - it would be better if you introduced her before she became useful.

Well if it got you out of writer block then brilliant. I found this light hearted not very well written but a good humourous peice. If you wanted to make it serious I'd follow Wolf advice. Since with all this added. I normally notice deus ex machina, but person above me noticed it and I didn't. Oh well that's a thought, but as you noted it wasn't serious. Just follow Wof if ya wanna make more of this. Overall pretty funny but nothing else really.

Good luck
VSN