Abarith: Seekers of the Arcane Throne (Prologue)

Hi everyone, here is a really short, but hopefully interesting prologue to one of my stories. The type of this prologue is one for background information to bring the reader into the world. Forgive me for not letting you become familiar with the characters, they do not appear in the first chapter.

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I just decided to delete this thing since people are against an info dump even though they are useful and to help catch up on what the reader has missed or needs to be greatly informed of. I've added a few extra scenes in its place through chapter 1-3. As much as I hate cramming 'politics' into writing it seems that I cannot avoid it with overwhelming hate against coming right out and saying anything.

I just would really be mad with myself if I let it go to a 'Star wars' sort of diplomatic rant for an entire chapter or so when no one gives a care about the world in the first place.

Thanks for the help, but you'll find my prologue in the chapters now.

I like the idea of magic being uncontrollable, it's much more believable than the typical version where everything goes to plan because the user said something and waved their hands.

Just a question, is Grantz a person or a nation? You say at the start that the general's name is Grantz, but it seems to become a country later.

wearing only dirty rags of a simple peasant.

You mean 'the dirty rags'.

Possessing the greatest vitality and strength in the entire guard, Vickz, was Cladius's star soldier.

You don't need the second comma after 'Vickz'.

The boy barely realized what happened as the blade cut deep into his head, dying with wide eyes staring up at Vickz as the sword cut into his head. Only to stop midway through as the tip buried itself in the ground.

You say 'the sword into his head' twice. Get rid of the second time, it's unnecessary. Also, take out the full stop separating it from the next part of the sentence, this should only be one.

The lifeless body of the child, buckled at the knees and slumped to the ground, his head twisting back, his gaze turning skyward in death.

Take out the comma before 'buckled'.

Regarded as fiends, those that possessed unique powers were greatly feared often for the lack of control in which they exhibit them.

You need a comma after 'feared'.

launched by the peaceful and militaristic nation of Grantz

How can a nation be both peaceful and militaristic?

It's a good opening, I'd like to see where this goes. PM me when you've posted the next part.

-Billy

The boy had a perplexed look upon his face at seeing the soldiers fall to the ground lifelessly, “Big brothers, why do you play dead? I want to play a game!”

Another soldier gasped as he coughed up blood, “Brat! What did you do?”

Reeh.......... This is a bit too obvious. This kid is going to be the most powerful thing in the universe.... Don't give it all to us just yet.

Possessing the greatest vitality and strength in the entire guard, Vickz, was Cladius's star soldier. With almost inhuman strength, Vickz was recognized after cleaving a horse and rider in two upon a recent border skirmish, but such strength was fleeting as he could not even stand after enduring that crimson tendril which had passed through his body. Unable to even draw his massive sword, he had fallen to the ground before he even realized what had happened.

Okay, I was sort of right about the kid. Again, obvious.

In this world, many things exist that defy the natural order of conventional mathematical explanation, but none was more apparent and feared then beings that manipulated energy or substance by will or effort alone. Regarded as fiends, those that possessed unique powers were greatly feared often for the lack of control in which they exhibit them. The prevalence of an ever increasing number of manipulators of nature had sparked kingdoms, even old enemies, to find a common ground and ignore differences in religion, government and race as fear spread throughout the lands.

The Kingdom of Abarith was one such kingdom that began slowly unraveling as the appearance of these fiends started to take the form as members of the court and in positions of power. Historically, magic was regarded as the mysterious power of wise men that could shape the very cosmos, fate or destiny in a way that was often unimpressive, but this new breed of magic was violent, quick and devastating. The expedition, launched by the peaceful and militaristic nation of Grantz, had been assembled to fight these fiends. Attacked in their blind spot, they were annihilated by the very beings they were trained to kill.

This is totally unrelated to the first paragraphs, and it's a bit info-dump-ish. Reveal this gradually to us. Other wise... well, that takes half the fun away! PM me if you need help with anything. :D:D


*Seraph*

Hey, I agree, the whole thing is far to cliched and obvious for me to get into it. The names echo a lot of fantasy fiction, and I felt as if I was running to keep up with the narrative, and grinding to a dissapointing halt with the dialogue.

I liked the descriptive language however, for example some of the piece reads very nicely indeed:

Death found them through steel and shield alike, carving itself through their chests and passing through them one after another, instantaneously killing all but two of them.

I would suggest slicing the word count in half though, because a lot of it is meandering and unnecessary, and it will make your voice stronger if you stick to the minumum, and still manage to get your point across. All to often a new writer attempts to show off in the first paragraph, but this will just hinder you in the long term.

Please PM me if you have any further questions,

Eimearxx

The only thing I think should be changed, besides what the others suggested, is Mathmatical should be scientific explanation Math isnt used for anything esides calculation and money in those days but science has always been to uncover mystery

Wow! i have to say. It is a lot to take in man. It is way to cliche. I like it but it is cliche. I think you should change it that it isn't cliche as much as it is right now. Not trying to be offensive but it is to cliche for me sorry.

If you havew anything or questions for what i wrote PM me if needed or talk to me in chat if i am there. OK?'

TTYL SimonCowellLuver

Prologues are allowed to be info dumps, since they are supposed to get a reader involved in the story, but I'll eliminate the beginning 'cliche' aspect. I'll just do info-dump prologue and flesh it out this scene within the prologue.

Whoa, hold on...

*brakes screech*

Info-dump prologue is NOT something that you want to do. In fact, a prologue without any of the focus characters in it is not exactly desirable.

Your best bet is to have your first chapter straight off, introducing your characters and everything. The only info-dumping that I found in this chapter was in the last two paragraphs, and that's information that can be passed along in context within a chapter. All you have to do is make the subject come up in conversation, or have a situation where it would be logical that a character would be dwelling on the subject.

This prologue didn't really grab me. It was a bunch of guys dying that so far I don't really care about. I don't know anything about them, and according to you - and obviously from the end of the prose - that I won't ever be seeing them again. So why should I care?

Seriously consider getting rid of this prologue. It really does nothing for your story.

And about info-dumps: nobody likes them. It isn't an info-dump that gets a reader into the story, but engaging characters and storyline. Have the reader care about the character before they have to read an info-dump. Info-dumps are distracting from the story and usually they stick out like a sore thumb.

Don't take what I am saying badly. You are a talented writer in your prose. You just need to focus more on integration of information and layout of your story.

Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling

Really interesting, i want to read the next part. Very Good

I'll second that- Nothing is 'allowed' to be an info dump in your story. That term is used as a negative criticism.

Cut the prologue, and give us the first chapter.

Okay, aside from being disgusted (not in such a horrible way as you'd think) when the poor kid gor killed, I thought that was great! I'm not sure exactly how much of an "info dump" there was anyway. Is the guy's name supposed to be Claudius? Cladius sounds sort of made-up. Perhaps you should chage it. If you do change the name, check out Latin names, because they always work well for this genre.

Nice beginning! Actually, it doesn't sound that much like a prologue, just like the first chapter, but who knows, maybe the next installment is like, 1000 years in the future of that! Or not. So, just have fun writing, okay?
-Alanda

Hmm.. the name Cladius I guess I could change to the more romantic Claudius. It was a rough name to describe a rough character. Though the general plays a larger role in death then in life.

I'll go ahead and edit the first chapter for posting on here and let everyone decide. The world is really unusual and throwing the readers into it is a rather shaky subject for me without at least two paragraphs of 'info-dump' because of the mentality that exists.

Perhaps it was not the best thing to start out with, but I hope chapter 1 is redeeming and makes more sense with even a little knowledge of the world in which it is set in.

You do way too much telling, and alot of this could be shown. The idea is pretty cliche, I immeadiatly thought of 'The Omen' when I read about the child. Info-dumps aren't good, seriously. Prologue should hook the readers. If none of these people survive I couldn't care less. Harsh I know, but true. You've established it's the scene of battle, but even in books with battles we feel a little for soldiers. I feel more pity for child. Try telling less and showing more. Info-Dumps bad idea.

Good luck
VSN