One Good that came from Crime

mmmmmmmmmmmkay. I's back. Several days later.
(& I knew you were Gud, Wozzel)
First: piepiemann2: "overall" is one word. Not two. It has never been two. It was probably a typo, but I happened to notice it.

And now for the poem.
First stanza:
I like the slow, rhythmic pace. It gets the reader into the story, and it's rather relaxing. The reader slips into the rhythm, yay, cash register, yay, customer, ham, next customer, gun, WAIT WHAT????? And then, in the midst of this shocking revelation, you go on with your nice slow pace. Disconcerting in a beautiful way.
2nd stanza:
In line 7 (so that he can eat), I would consider taking out the word "that." I think it might flow a littl better that way, but you can leave it if you want to.
The simplicity of this stanza is stunning. The pacing matches that of the first stanza, but suggests a childish mind. Gud job. The implied death of the child is horrifying, but poetic and reminiscent of "The Little Match Girl," one of Andersen's more sickening tales. (I swear the man had some sort of mental disorder. What kind of person goes around telling children stories about death?)
4th stanza:
This disrupts the poem. It's short and quick. I think maybe you were intending it to be the dramatic turning point of the story, but it comes off as abbreviated and awkward. Either lenghthen it and give it the same pace as the others or shorten it to a one- or two-liner.
5th stanza:
Still abbreviated, but better pacing. I like the characterization of the plain, unglamorous cash register lady as the savior, and of the policeman as almost an apathetic robot.
6th stanza:
Back to your original pace. Very gud. I agree with the others; I don't like his thoughts in italics. If I were you, I might even cut out the thoughts and just leave a trembling tear, and allow the readers to interpret it as they choose. Also, at line 14/15, I'd put in an "as," because it's not immediately clear why he feels comforted.

Overall, fue la bellissima - it was the beautifullest.

I LOVED IT IT RELATES TO HOW PEOPLE JUST OVER LOOK OTHERS IN NEED , HOW THEY ARE TOO WORRIED ABOUT THEIR OWN SELFISH WAYS TO HELP SOMEONE IN NEED GOOD JOB KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK .... BRAVO

Aet Lindling wrote:Tempted as I am to chew out the n00b first, I'll review beforehand.

This was good. I thought the rhythm was a bit off, but I really liked the story.

"And he growls
At her pretty face,
Which is white from terror,"

I think the "which is white from terror" bit isn't needed, and the first two lines should be one line.

"For food,
Or for money
So that he can eat."

Same thing, get rid of the last line and merge the first two.

"A police arrives"

Eh? Make this "The police arrive" or "A policeman arrives". I'd be inclined towards "The police arrive".

So... that's it, pretty much. Aaanyway... *licks lips and grins*

simple-harmonic-motion wrote:RIGHT-

1) You need to decide whether you want to write poetry or prose. Believe it or not there is a difference. Writing a story in verse is pointless- especially when the lines contain no specific meaning.

2) Why put something on the forum that you quite obviously constructed in thirty seconds. People want to read something interesting and fresh. They do not want to trudge through the ramblings of someone with too much time on their hands. You personally need to invest more time in creativity and ask yourself the question- POETRY OR PROSE!

Lawlz! Just... seriously, gal, lawlz.

1) Writing a story in verse is pointless? Gee, I think, say, John Milton, writer of Paradise Lost, would beg to differ, or, maybe, Edgar Allen Poe? Don't stupidly dig holes for yourself in the future.

2) Um. In a nutshell, this is all bull, but to elaborate... It had a lot of thought clearly put into it, and you say "thirty seconds"? I found it very fresh and interesting, and who are you to speak of creativity? Poetry or prose? How about both, a combination that's worked marvelously for several literary genii. Honestly. And quit the immature yelling.

simple-harmonic-motion wrote:Yelling? I am not yelling and I am not purposely out to insult the work of other people. i'm simple offering an opinion and "critiquing" work. And if you are unsure of the definition of the word "critique" , I do suggest that you look up the meaning in your dictionary.

I know quite a bit about poetry (for your information)! And in response to your query- yes I do write. For if I didn't it would be hypocritical of me to critique the work of other people!

LAWLZ, my girl. Yes, you are yelling. Yes, you clearly are out to insult the work of other people. And I know the definition of the word critique. It isn't what you're doing.

And this second paragraph... Oh, for all that is Noodly. If I had a nickel for every time a n00b said unfounded facts to prove themselves I'd be writing this from my gold-plated iPhone in my private jet. And if you do write, then let's see some, shall we? I just checked your portfolio: there ain't nothin' there, dearie...

And on a side note, are you possibly under the idiotic, stupid, moronic notion that poems have to rhyme?

Anyway, to sum it up... Wozzell: Good job, I liked it. A bit rough, but overall enjoyable. simple-harmonic-motion: Alas, just another wannabe Brad.

Aet, please refrain from dissrespecting new members.

Teh, very well put together poem. I really like how you put so much emotion into this. I also really like the repititon you used. But, there's a few missing commas. I'll point out one line.

And for the first time in ages

He is suddenly comforted.

And for the first time,

he is suddenly comforted.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

Rick, please refrain from trying to find ways to put me at fault. True, I was getting a tad sarcastic there, but there's a few key points there:

1. I was not being disrespectful because the member was new.
2. The member was being disrespectful to a user, my disrespect was a side effect of some sarcasm directed at the member about his (mixed up the gender when I made that post) disrespect.
3. You were writing a critique, not sending me a mod (which you aren't) warning, weren't you? Since about 4/5ths of the post was you quoting me, don't you think you could have done this in a pm, rather than pad your critique?

G'day!

Aet, please refrain from dissrespecting new members.

Teh, very well put together poem. I really like how you put so much emotion into this. I also really like the repititon you used. But, there's a few missing commas. I'll point out one line.

And for the first time in ages

He is suddenly comforted.

And for the first time,

he is suddenly comforted.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.[/quote]

I know what you were getting at, Aet. I'm not trying to put you at fault on purpose. I read what the new member said. It was not mean, it was harsh critting. Harsh critting can get the point accross at times. If it was too mean, Teh would've told a mod. No, I am not a mod, but that doesn't mean members who aren't mods can't tell people to be respectful to a member that doesn't deserve dissrespect.

-Rick.