The Letter

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***Prologue to a story I thought of in school, tell me what you think.***

The Letter

There was a letter, and it was on his desk.

Harry didn’t know what it was doing there, or who had put it there. Just a typical envelope: white, plain and bearing a stamp in the upper right corner. Everything seemed to be in order.

The letter was addressed to him, but also marked: ‘Do not open under any circumstance.’

It seemed to be a joke: some prank by a friend of his designed with a single, annoying purpose. The letter, especially its slogan, presented him with something of an ultimatum: follow the instructions, and never find out what was inside the letter; or open the letter and release whatever nasty surprise had been left for him.

But what if, Harry thought, What if the letter isn’t a joke? What if it has something that someone wants me to read, but at the same time doesn’t want me to read?

He sat back in his chair, watching the letter with a mixture of suspicion and glee. The thing was a riddle. He reached out to it, then frowned, drawing his hand away. He couldn’t eliminate the possibility of the letter being left there as part of a trick.

Harry picked up the envelope carefully, turning it over and looking at the back. No ‘Return to Sender’ address. He weighed it in one hand, though there was no hint of anything other than a sheet of paper inside it.

Putting the letter back down on the desk, he bent forward to study it. He looked at his nails. They were bitten down as far as they could be. He bit them anyway.

I suppose this letter could be seen as a test, Harry thought, A test of curiosity, that is. It might contain nothing at all, just the simple knowledge that I failed. Maybe I should just put it away and forget it, or run it through the shredder. But then I would fail the quest for knowledge, and it could be important.

I seem to be in two minds about this.


Harry glanced at the shredder. No, that was a much too violent way of dealing with this problem. He turned to his cupboard, looking at the highest shelf. He could see dust gathering on it. He looked back at the letter. It seemed to stare back at him.

He slammed his fist down on the desk, making the letter shiver with the rest of his things. Why does this have to be so hard? It’s just a freakin’ letter, for Christ’s sake! He picked it up and reached for the short side marked ‘Easy Open.’ The he tossed the letter back onto the desk.

Harry stood up and paced the room, watching the letter, half-expecting it to do something. He stopped, watching it. This is stupid. It’s an inanimate object, it’s not going to do anything. What are letters made for? To be opened and read. Well then, He thought, That is what I shall do.

He picked up the letter and grasped the ‘Easy Open’ tab, hesitating for a moment. A feeling of anticipation mixed with nervousness grew, hanging in the air. He ripped the letter open, then dropped it as if it were something hot.

It lay on the floor, the sheet of paper inside peeping out, like a small child afraid to leave their room for fear of being noticed by a grown-up. He picked up the letter once more and pulled the piece of paper out. It was yellowed, not with age but having been produced that way. The page itself was folded, whatever message written on it hidden from his view.

Once again he considered putting the paper away, leaving it to its own devices until such a time that he felt he was truly ready to see what it had to offer. I am ready now, though. If I do not read it now, I will never read it, and I will spend the rest of my life imagining what could have been.

Harry took a deep breath and unfolded the paper, screwing his eyes shut as he did with the intention of not ruining the surprise. The sheet had to be fully unfolded before he could bring himself to read it.

When it was, he opened his eyes slowly and turned them towards the page. The anticipation swelled in his stomach. He looked at the page with both confusion and curiosity, not understanding either the meaning or the intention behind the single word scrawled in large letters across the centre of the page:

Beginning
Last edited by Billy on Sun Feb 17, 2008 8:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens




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I liked this. I loved the way the person fought within himself. You did a really great job with that.
The opening wasn't effective as it could have been. Maybe you could combine the two sentences somehow? Just an idea.
It held my attention, are you going to submit more of it? :)




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Well, you had me curious. I can't say much for the plot or the way you delivered it, but I sincerely wanted to know what was inside. Kudos for that.

However, this is something I'd call a shopping-list story. You describe every little, irrevelant detail in boring, wordy detail. Every movement made by dear Harry is described ad naseum. There came a point when I wanted to start strangling Harry and ram his head into the wall a couple times and open the thing for him. Really, if you think about it, the normal person wouldn't spend that much time deliberating over opening a letter with a warning written against opening it. They wouldn't get so angry either.

Another problem I had was that you injected this poor story so full of adverbs that it might need to be checked into the hospital to have it's stomach pumped. Tone it down. Adverbs make your story fat. And right now, it looks like it went on a calorie binge. Bottom line: use adverbs as sparingly as possible. The are the mark of an amateur writer.

Also, please put Harry's thoughts in italics. At the moment they're quite confusing.

I mentioned this earlier in the critique, but your wordiness is killing this piece. Like the use of adverbs, tone your diction down a little. Make it more accesible to the common reader. Mostly, just loosen up. You've got a story to tell, my friend, so don't get hung up on filling it full of SAT words instead.

To open, or not to open: That is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler…No. Letter now, Hamlet later.


Nah. This doesn't work. Cut it out.

Butterflies performed acrobatics in his stomach.


Cliche. Stomach-inhabiting insects are overdone and boring. Describe this same emotion in a new and different way. That's your job, after all, as a writer.

Anyway, keep writing!

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Thanks for the critiques, I tried to cut down on the adverbs and wordiness. Sorry about the thoughts not being in italics, I forgot that it doesn't go from Word to here. As for posting the rest of the story, I just have to work out how to make it work now.

-Billy
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens




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Just found this [you may have guessed]

it's great!

You conveyed the arguments going on in Harry's mind very well!

I soooooooo want to know what's in the letter!

Great work, held my attention well.

Thanks for the read :)
Cloudy.skiesx;*




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Wow that was brilliant :D
You kept me interested all the way through that :P
I like how he fights with himself , to open or not to open?

Keep up the excellent work
:)

Matty




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Comments in red.

Billy wrote:***Prologue to a story I thought of in school, tell me what you think.***

The Letter

There was a letter, and it was on his desk.

Harry didn’t know what it was doing there, or who had put it there. OH MY GOD IT'S HARRY POTTER. Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'm afraid that Harry is kind of a delicate name in literature right now, but perhaps that's just me. Just a typical envelope: white, plain and bearing a stamp in the upper right corner. Everything seemed to be in order.Can't be in order if he doesn't know where it's from. I mean, I get the point, but you need to clarify it.

The letter was addressed to him, but also marked: ‘Do not open under any circumstances.’

It seemed to be a joke: some prank by a friend of his designed with a single, annoying purpose. Hey, I get fed up with some of my friends too, but saying that they were designed for a single annoying purpose is going a bit far. (You need a comma.)The letter, especially its slogan, presented him with something of an ultimatum: follow the instructions, and never find out what was inside the letter; or open the letter and release whatever nasty surprise had been left for him.How old is Harry? Because I'm still picturing Harry Potter, and I fully expect that envelope to explode now, or for a troll to jump out or something. I shall be disappointed if this does not come to fruition.

But what if, Harry thought, What if the letter isn’t a joke? What if it has something that someone wants me to read, but at the same time doesn’t want me to read?...wha?

He sat back in his chair, watching the letter with a mixture of suspicion and glee. The thing was a riddle. He reached out to it, then frowned, drawing his hand away. He couldn’t eliminate the possibility of the letter being left there as part of a trick.I'm sorry but he sounds a little mental. Crazy house mental. And I still don't know what he looks like, so I'm still picturing Harry Potter.

Harry picked up the envelope carefully, turning it over and looking at the back. No ‘Return to Sender’ address. He weighed it in one hand, though there was no hint of anything other than a sheet of paper inside it.

Putting the letter back down on the desk, he bent forward to study it. He looked at his nails. They were bitten down as far as they could be. He bit them anyway.Haha

I suppose this letter could be seen as a test, Harry thought, A test of curiosity, that is. It might contain nothing at all, just the simple knowledge that I failed. Maybe I should just put it away and forget it, or run it through the shredder. But then I would fail the quest for knowledge, and it could be important.Okay, he's worrying me now.

I seem to be in two minds about this.
Yeah, two crazy minds.

Harry glanced at the shredder. No, that was a much too violent way of dealing with this problem. He turned to his cupboard, looking at the highest shelf. He could see dust gathering on it. He looked back at the letter. It seemed to stare back at him.

He slammed his fist down on the desk, making the letter shiver with the rest of his things. Why does this have to be so hard? It’s just a freakin’ letter, for Christ’s sake! He picked it up and reached for the short side marked ‘Easy Open.’ The he tossed the letter back onto the desk.HE'S MAD I TELL YOU, MAD! Really, though. Is this supposed to make the reader desperate to see what's in there? Because he doesn't. I expect it to be empty. But Harry needs a straight-jacket.

Harry stood up and paced the room, watching the letter, half-expecting it to do something. He stopped, watching it. This is stupid. It’s an inanimate object, it’s not going to do anything. What are letters made for? To be opened and read. Well then, He thought, That is what I shall do.

He picked up the letter and grasped the ‘Easy Open’ tabWhat exactly is an "Easy Open" tab? I've never heard of that., hesitating for a moment. A feeling of anticipation mixed with nervousnessDon't use the word "nervousness". Just don't. grew, hanging in the air. He ripped the letter open, then dropped it as if it were something hot.

It lay on the floor, the sheet of paper inside peeping out, like a small child afraid to leave their room for fear of being noticed by a grown-up. Just like that, huh?He picked up the letter once more and pulled the piece of paper out. It was yellowed, not with age but having been produced that wayYou could just say that it was yellow.. The page itself was folded, whatever message written on it hidden from his view.

Once again he considered putting the paper away, leaving it to its own devices until such a time that he felt he was truly ready to see what it had to offer. I am ready now, though. If I do not read it now, I will never read it, and I will spend the rest of my life imagining what could have been.

Harry took a deep breath and unfolded the paper, screwing his eyes shut as he did with the intention of not ruining the surprise. The sheet had to be fully unfolded before he could bring himself to read it.Is Harry commonly this... odd? Has some tragic event happened in his past to make him this way? Because if I got a letter that said "Do not open under any circumstance(s)", I would just open it.

When it was, he opened his eyes slowly and turned them towards the page. The anticipation swelled in his stomach. He looked at the page with both confusion and curiosity, not understanding either the meaning or the intention behind the single word scrawled in large letters across the centre of the page:

BeginningToo much wait. Too much suspense. I feel cheated.


I know, I'm a terrible person, right? I hope you don't mind. I really did like the guts of this, though, and would be interested to read more. PM me when you post the rest, unless, of course, you don't want another edit from me, which I would totally understand. I'm too sarcastic for my own good.




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I thought the beginning was a bit unimpressive. But as the story went on I became more and more intrigued. It became almost poetic and was surprisingly unique. Very eccentric, bizzar, and yet simple. Are you going to continue it?




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I agree with Avens Dolor about the ending. I feel waaaay cheated. What happens next? :shock:

It could use some work with how the suspense was delivered but I really like how Harry fought with himself. I found it really entertaining and it was written well. Some writers often forget inner conflict and just pit one poor soul against the other. Great job on that. :wink:
Always act like a duck on water; appear calm and unruffled, but paddle like the devil underneath.




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First of, BillyBoy,I have no idea where this guy is. is he in school? is he at home? That type of establishment is important so the reader can connect with his surroundings

Second, the post office will not send items with no return address. They'll send shoes, they'll send rubber bugs, but not items with no return address

Third, great use of internal conflict ( 6th grade vocab, baby! oh yea!) I like how he cannot chose between not opening it and opening it. Bravo on that part.

Fourth (but not nearly as important) did you spell center wrong?

center-centre? I honestly don't know.

Keep on writing. I like your suspensful writing style. I keep a look out for your stuff.

until next time
Last edited by hobbes on Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hmm...I agree with Kylan. This is well-written and you have excellent grammar, but it seemed to drag on too long. Sure, have him wrestle with himself, but think about it logically - if you saw a letter on your desk that said "Do Not Open" how long would you wait? Five minutes, tops? It seems entirely more likely to me that he'd hesitate only once, then assume it's a joke, and just open it.

Also, Harry's personality was weird - I couldn't figure out what kind of person he is. He seems kind of like a neat-freak, conspiracy theorist kind of person, using very proper words and looking at the situation from all angles, but then he says, "Why does this have to be so hard? It’s just a freakin’ letter, for Christ’s sake!" It's just strange. I'm kind of confused by him.

That being said, I really liked the ending. It was by far the most intriguing part of this piece. It left me wanting more. So...I suppose next time speed up the action a little, keep the suspense, and post it so we know what the heck is happening! :D
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

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I laughed at Avens comment, because I was thingking the same thing. "Harry Potter, woot, woot!" It was not Harry though, lol. It was good. I kinda felt like Harry was being kindof paranoid, I wouls of ripped thre letter open already and rolled my eyes at the word written on it. Then I probably would of started screaming at my brothers for wastig my time with opening an empty envelope, lol. It was good though. I wonder if you will write more?
Scorpia
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This was really different, but i liked it. It was cool how he was fighting back and forth. I really really really wanna know what was in the letter!!
Let me know if you ever write what was in the letter.
Where did you get the idea to write this?

Good job
It was amazing


:) Lizzy




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I liked the suspense built up-I really wanted to find out about the letter. I also like how Harry doesn't talk to anyone but himself. There's a lot of questions I'm thinking of right now. Who sent the letter? Is it a secret code? Why did they send it to Harry? What reason would someone have for sending a letter but say "do not open" on it? I'm also curious about Harry. I'm really interested to find out more here.




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Unlike what the other memebers have stated, I quite liked the beginning. It was simply set up, but it worked.

The writing was quite good, you described Harry's descent into madness perfectly. I too was really tearing myself up about what was in that letter. However, try to describe Harry in some way. I know it's hard in first person, but right now he kind of a blank slate.

Also, some of the sentences were a little strange. Like this one: "I seem to be in two minds about this." Well, that pretty obvious isn't it? Cut it, it doesn't flow.

This one too: " Harry glanced at the shredder. No, that was a much to violent way of dealing with this problem." I wouldn't call it violent, exactly. Maybe crude, or something. But not violent.

Overall, great, intriguing piece. Please continue!



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