Gates Of Dawn

Gates Of Dawn

Sweet singing bird, land on my palm
when my feet grazes the morning's path.

While the sunlight seeps into my eyes,
this realm seems to fly before my soul.

Hear the angels of light rise,
the awakening of a new day in their hands.

Fantasies of the mind are carried by the wind,
how I long for a realm as pure as Eden.

My steps sway at the edge of a cliff,
as the chirping of robins fill the sky.

And when the gates of dawn swing open,
I enter it without hesitation.

This could be a strong poem, because you've got a solid idea and situation, but it felt a bit bland to me. It was all a bit overwhelming, because you used such forceful, loaded words that by the time I'd finished, I seemed to be breathless. Let your powerful words breathe.

this realm seems to fly before my soul.

The words "realm" is vague here, and tends to clutter and blur your meaning, especially when you've got the word "soul" in there.Hear the

Hear the angels of light rise,
the awakening of a new day in their hands.

This was quite cliche, as were all the references to Eden, robins, sunshine, etc. I suggest you think of some more unique metaphors and imagery to convey perfection.
Overall I liked it, especially end, but it could definitely be a much stronger piece, so good luck with the drafting!

like liz said tjis can be a strong poem. Only if you make it to be it that way. I think it was a very indeed good poem. I think this should have more in depth detail. Cause right now the poem is vague and don't really explains a lot about it. For example you said the word "realm". Describe the place like what it looks like, who lives there, etc.
But if you have more detail or describing places that seem vague. This could be a great poem.

Hoped I helped. If you need me i will be around. PM me if you need to.
bye...
SimonCowellLuver

Nice poem. I have to agree with those above me that it felt a little lacking.

But what you did have in there was really great. I liked the rhythm and your imagery, while a little cliche, was handled well.

This is a nice framework. Expand on it a little and you can have a really great piece of work.

~GryphonFledgling

Though it may seem a bit bland, i understand your concept, i rather enjoyed reading it. It was fresh and enlightening. In my opinion, you have true talent. It also has a very eye catching title which drew me in to read it. Bravo!
Keep Writing:D

I agree that Gates of Dawn has the potential to be a really strong poem. I think it would be strengthened if you gave greater depth to your words, instead of mentioning things briefly and passing them by for something else with the idea hardly born. Even one more line for each stanza would give it so much more power. I have the feeling you will become a great writer.

I do agree with everyone else because this poem could really do allot!
It's not very strong at the moment, but that can be easily fixed:P
It's not very descriptive, meaning you never really explained what this character looked like.
Also the first line doesn't make sense to me, did you mean " 'A' sweet singing bird, lands on my palm"??
Because in this case you would not need the comma, it would just be "A sweet singing bird lands on my palm"
Or if you wanted to make it descriptive it would sound a bit like "A lonely blue jay lands on my sweaty palm" or something like that.
I guess that descriptive writing just isn't you thang!:P
Overall I have to say that it was lacking allot of talent.
It was a wonderful idea, but could be way better written.
I'm not saying that it was SO bad i couldn't read it, but it was a bit bland.

Try harder next time!:)

*Keep rockin'*

-Meg