Lavander Rose Chapter 1

Lavender Rose


Ecstasy. Pure, un-adulterated, ecstasy. The feeling is not comparable to anything. I felt the last pull of life leave my meal and let the body drop to the floor in the alley. I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and took a deep breath, reveling in the power I felt now coursing through my un-dead body.

“Holy fuck, that was good,” I said softly to myself.

I looked down at my second meal of the night. She had short blond hair, cut really short and spiky. Her mini skirt had ridden up some from being man-handled by yours truly—it was now riding up even farther than she had originally intended. Her light blue shirt was one of those that had no back, with two little ties in the front that wrap around your neck. I don’t know what the hell they were called, nor did I care.

I stood there a moment longer, looking at my now dead prey. I didn’t have to kill, I just liked the rush. I could easily have just taken some of her blood, healed her neck wound with my own, and let her go about her life. But where is the fun in that?

I brushed the dirt off of my blue jeans and black leather coat. Taking one last look at my dinner I knelt down once more to brush her hair away from her cold, pale face.

“Pathetic,” I sneered before exiting the alley and mixing back into the pedestrian traffic on the downtown Manhattan street. It was incredible how easily one such as myself could mix into the crowds. It didn’t always use to be like this. Up until the mid sixties, when people were too high to care or too mad about the war to pay attention. Ever since then it has become almost too easy to flawlessly blend into society.

I continue to walk North up the street, not paying attention to where my feet are leading me. I was trying to figure out if I wanted another meal before the night was over. I had already had two tonight, but they were both small, not a lot of blood running through their veins.

I have to be careful though, if I feed someone and I’m not hungry, the venom in my system would change them. I would have to take care of the New One until they could fend for themselves. That could be years. I simply don’t have that kind of patience. Besides, I don’t want the responsibility. I’ve been living just for me for over one hundred years, there is no way I’m going to change that now.

Just then I felt something push onto me and hear a low oath. I look down to see shiny white head with gray hair rimming the large spot in the middle. The man takes a step back, readjusting his dark colored business suit.
“Hey, why don’t you watch where the fuck you’re goin?” he yells at me. When I don’t answer, he looks up the half foot or so to my eyes. He obviously sees something he doesn’t like. “Oh…uh…I-I-I-I’m sorry, s-s-s-sir,” he mumbled, averting his eyes away from my cold gray ones.

I stood there, watching the short old man mumble incoherently before he side stepped my place on the sidewalk and hurried on his way. I smirked to myself, pitiful humans. I looked around to figure out where my subconscious had taken me. I then realized that I was about a block away from one of my favorite clubs on this island.

I began walking again; I could already hear the heavy base of the music from where I was. I couldn’t be sure if that ability was due to my Vampiric senses, or the sheer volume of the music.

I finally made my way to the club and walked straight up to the bouncer. The tall black man was easily twice the size of me, but for some reason that he would never know, he was intimidated by me. As soon as he saw me, he unclipped the red velvet rope and ushered me inside. I nodded my head to him and walked straight into the club. I don’t get my pockets checked, nor do I have to pay. The people running this club found out a long time ago what happens when they tried to make me empty my pockets or pay for entry. They definitely don’t want a repeat of last time.

I stood at the entrance to the dance floor and took a deep breath. The smell of the sweaty human flesh was almost too much to bear. I closed my eyes and let the delicious smell wash over my senses. Even with my eyes closed, I could feel the looks of all the surrounding females. I smirked and opened my eyes. I was attractive, and I knew it. That’s why it has always been so easy for me to find meals. There is always an endless supply of lonely women, especially in Manhattan.

I scan the room, taking my pick of everyone here. I finally found my prey and made my way over, moving slightly to the rhythm. The girl had long blond hair and was wearing a dark, blood colored dress that reached half way down her thighs. How fitting.

I finally reached her, through the throng of swaying bodies. I put my hands firmly on her hips and felt her jump slightly, surprised by my touch. She spun around to face me and I could tell she liked what she saw. I locked my eyes with her dark blue ones and watched as they glazed over. I smirked slightly, knowing that my power was working on her.

All vampires have a power, something extraordinary that they can do. Mine was a type of hypnosis. If someone makes eye contact with me, I can easily get them to do whatever I want them to do. In her case, I wanted her to put her arms around my neck and move her hips against mine. She complied, obviously, and we began dancing.

For a moment I let myself revel in the feeling of being held. I haven’t been held in so long, I almost forgot what it felt like. Shaking my head violently to get those weak thoughts out, I looked down at her again. She was still looking up at me with her big blue eyes. I decided it was time to get this meal over with, before any other ridiculous thoughts could enter my head.
I slid my hand up her side and watched her body shiver at my touch. I gently, but purposefully took her hand and turned around to exit the club.

I hadn’t even made my way through half of the sweaty, dancing bodies when someone stepped in my way. This girl had long, straight, dark brown hair that rested just above her ample chest. She was wearing a greet shirt with no straps and black leather pants. I let my eyes rake over her curvy yet small frame before looking back up to meet her eyes. A sea of deep green eyes met mine as I felt myself get lost in their depths.

She smiled at me with her beautiful, glossy lips and raised her perfect eyebrows slightly. I immediately dropped the hand of my previous meal and took a step closer to the beauty in front of me. I watched her smugly as her eyes roamed over my well-toned body, visible even through my clothing.

When her eyes finally met mine again, I looked deep into their emerald color, finding it hard to use my power against her. What the hell?! I don’t care about humans. Since when do I feel bad about using my power to get what I want?

I noticed her small brown eyebrows gently furrow and her tiny nose scrunch up in confusion. I shook my head and put my hand on her left hip.
“Would you like to dance?” I asked her smoothly.

The confusion in her eyes immediately disappeared as she smiled and nodded. I put my other hand on her hip and gently brought her closer to me. I watched as she reached up to put her arms around my neck. Her small hips started to gently rub against me in time with the music. I smiled slightly and reciprocated the dance, still gazing into the bottomless green of her eyes.

“What’s your name, by the way?” she asked, her voice soft and feminine.

“Lukas,” I responded without thinking. Shit! I never give out my real name to humans. What the hell is going on with me today?!

I quickly recovered and asked, “And yours?”

“Tia,” she responded simply.

I frowned down at her, “Surely that isn’t your full name.”

She averted her eyes, “You’re right, it isn’t. Its just that whenever I tell people my full name, I get weird looks. Its not very common…” she trailed off, still looking away from me.

I gently lifted my hand from her hip to place it under her chin. Christ, I am so suave. “Tell me,” I prodded softly.

She sighed, “It’s Crescentia, but everyone knows me by Tia. It’s easier that way.”

My eyes widened suddenly, “Moon,” I whispered.

She smiled up at me, “Yeah, how did you know?”

I smirked down at her. Foolish human, “Weil Schonheit, ich auch deutsch bin,” I replied smoothly in my native tongue.

Her eyebrows furrowed again and her eyes clouded in confusion. I chuckled softly to myself. God, I haven’t laughed in so long.

“I said, ‘because Beauty, I am also German,” I explained.

I watched as her pale cheeks began to turn a slight shade of pink. I smiled at her—wait, I don’t smile, I smirk. I shook my head again, what is going on with me tonight?

I locked my light gray eyes with her green ones, bound and determined to clear my head and finish what I came here to do. I began to hypnotize her, watching her eyes glaze over as she continued to look at me, having no other choice.

Suddenly I felt something in the pit of my stomach. Something wasn’t right. I looked around me, trying to figure out what could be amiss. I came to the conclusion that something was wrong with me, not my surroundings. I looked back to Crescentia and felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach again. This time though, I also felt a slight tightening of my chest. I wracked my brain, trying to decipher this feeling. Then it hit me…I was feeling guilty.

I looked back into Crescentia’s eyes and immediately broke off the connection. I watched her as she blinked a few times, looking confusedly around at her surroundings. I needed to get out of here. I don’t know what the hell is going on right now, but I don’t want to figure it out.

“Good evening, Crescentia,” I whispered in her ear, inhaling the floral scent around her. Floral and…something else. Nevermind, I don’t care what she smells like. I need to get out of here.

I turned on my heel and made my way to the exit as quickly as possible, trying to cause little to no bruising on the humans in my path. I made it outside and immediately took a deep breath of the cool, city air. I didn’t need to breath, but after living as a human for twenty-three years, it becomes a hard habit to break.

I shook my head again, trying to get my thoughts in order before I turned and started to make my way home. What the fuck happened back there? One minute I’m about to get my third coarse of the night and the next, what? I’m feeling guilty? Guilty?! Me?! That isn’t possible. Creatures like me don’t have feelings, especially not those kinds. Besides she wasn’t even—

“Lukas?” I turned around to the sound of my name being called from behind me.

Quickly walking up to me was Crescentia. I smirked a little, this girl couldn’t get enough of me.

“Lukas, what happened back there? Are you alright?” she asked, concern dripping from every word out of her luscious mouth.

I put rose my hand to my face, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. This night is taking a turn for the worse.

“Yes Crescentia, I’m fine. I apologize for running out on you like that. I just needed some air,” I lied through my teeth.

She didn’t seem to buy it. “Well, here’s your air. Now lets go back inside,” she suggested seductively.

I dropped my hand to my side. I couldn’t deal with this right now. “No Crescentia, I think it is time for me to retire for the night. Thank you for the dance.” I turned quickly and began making my way back down the street. I needed to get away from that feeling and away from that ridiculously beautiful girl.

Without warning, I felt a gentle tug on the sleeve of my leather jacket. The tug was gentle, yes, but firm all the same. I stopped dead in my tracks. Holy shit, she’s strong for a human!

“Why are you in such a hurry?” she asked from behind me.

That’s it, I’ve had enough. I tried to save this girl from the monster that I am but she can’t take a hint. I quickly spun around, grabbed Crescentia and pulled her into the alley beside us. This is why I love this city, plenty of dark alleyways.

I whipped her around in front of me, slamming her back into the dark bricks of a building. I pressed myself up against her firmly, feeling all of her curves fall into place against my body. This would have been extremely pleasurable, if I wasn’t so damn mad right now.

“Fine, Crescentia! You want to stick around? Well then I’ll show you what I was trying to protect you from!” I hissed at her. Protect her? Since when the hell do I protect anyone?

I felt her breathing become more shallow and her heart rate pick up. Most of my victims are under my control and therefore aren’t afraid. Smelling the fear thick around her was an unexpected rush for me.

I pushed her long, silky hair away, exposing her neck. Then I put both of my hands on her shoulders to keep her in place. She hadn’t screamed yet. This one was strong. I almost feel bad for this. Almost.

“Ich versuchte, Sie, Schonheit zu warnen,” I whispered softly in her ear, my lips grazing her earlobe.

She shivered slightly and I smirked. At this point I was in complete predator mode. I looked down at her neck, watching the beating of her heart make her neck throb with its pulse. I leaned in closer, smelling her neck. I pressed my lips to the pulse and let my tongue make contact with her skin. I froze, my hands now digging into her shoulders. Wait, she doesn’t taste like a human. I know that taste. It’s just like a—

“Werewolf,” I sneered, taking my hands off her shoulders.

I watched as her eyes quickly registered what was happening, “Vampire,” she sneered back.

Translations:
Ich versuchte, Sie, Schonheit zu warnen: I tried to warn you, Beauty
Crescentia: Crescent-shape, or moon.

I read the whole thing, hoping there'd be a werewolf at some point. Woo, I was right!

Um, I didn't notice many mistakes, but you say "She was wearing a greet shirt with no straps"- I have a feeling that should be green, unless this is some fashion I haven't heard of where you greet people...

And "One minute I’m about to get my third coarse of the night and the next, what? I’m feeling guilty?" that should be "course", not "coarse."

But I really liked the narrative, and here's hoping you'll continue!

hahaha yeeeaaaahhh....those were definitely both typos hehe thanks for catching them. and just in case people didnt pick up on it, Lukas doesnt know the names for these shirts but i DO haha. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, i just started last night because i have had this idea in my head for like two weeks. anywho, there is already a second chapter written and (for the most part) edited. i just dont want to seem pushy so i might wait a day or two until i post it on here, but it WILL be posted, dont fear!

Vampires are the epitomy of sexual tension in literature. I swear to it. O_o

Pure, [s]un-adulterated [/s]unadulterated, ecstasy.

Also, I don't believe the comma after "unadulterated" to be necessary since you don't have another adjective after it. Very nice beginning though. I like the sexy ring it immediately fuels in the reader--at least, that's the notion I get when I read it.

The feeling is not comparable to anything.

Consider rewording the sentence to say: "The feeling was incomparable." This way, you avoid using the double negatives "not" and "anything" in the same sentence; plus, it sounds more concise. Morever, as noted above, change the tense of "is" to "was" since the rest of your composition is in past tense.

I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and took a deep breath, [strike]reveling in[/s] revealing the power I felt (<--switch these two for better flow-->)now coursing through my [s]un-dead[/s] undead body.

How exactly is the protagonist revealing his power? Showing off power by taking a simple breath is not a very strong character trait. Perhaps you could add in an adjective or two to describe something truly unique or awesome about his intake of breath or the manner in which he wipes his mouth? Also, try adding a transition word like "afterwards" or something of that sort to the beginning of the sentence since you start the sentence before it with "I" as well. This suggestion is purely for achieving a better sense of flow; I'm not sure if it's mandatory. Still, however, you do this many times throughout this composition, so I really think it'd be a good idea getting a second opinion on it.

—it was now riding up even farther...

Try moving "up" after "farther;" I think it sounds better that way.

...with two little ties in the front that [s]wrap[/s] wrapped around [s]your[/s] her neck.

Remember to keep your tense consistent as well as your subject.

I didn’t have to kill, I just liked the rush.

A comma is the incorrect punctuation to use here since you have two independent clauses. Instead, replace the comma with either a semi-colon, a colon, or even a period.

I could easily have just taken some of her blood, healed her neck wound with my own, and let her go about her life.

Firstly, the comma after "own" is not needed since the clause following is dependent and cannot stand on its own. Secondly, in the phrase "...healed her neck wound with my own," it's very easy for the reader to confuse "own" with referring to the protagonist's blood or the protagonist's neck wound (which he doesn't seem to have, but regardless, this is momentarily confusing). Please clarify this. For example, you could say "I could easily have just taken some of her blood, healed her with my own and let her go about her life."

But where [s]is[/s] was the fun in that?

Tense issue again, but I like this witty bit a lot.

Taking one last look at my dinner I knelt down once more to brush her hair away from her cold, pale face.

There should be a comma after "dinner" since it's a transitionary phrase. Furthermore, avoid using "one" and "once" in the same sentence to avoid repitition. You could change "one" to "a" or "once" to "again."

“Pathetic,” I sneered before exiting the alley and mixing back into the pedestrian traffic on the downtown Manhattan street. It was incredible how easily one such as myself could mix into the crowds.

For repitition purposes, change the "mix" to a synonym like "conform" or "assimilate."

It didn’t always use to be like this.

Add a "d" after "use."

Up until the mid [s]sixties[/s] 60s,

Try taking out the "Up" and replacing it with "Not."

Ever since then it has become almost too easy to flawlessly blend into society.

There should be a comma after "Ever since then," since it's a transition phrase.

I continue to walk North up the street, not paying attention to where my feet are leading me.

"North" does not need to be capitalized since it's referring to a general direction. Also, change "are" to "were" for tense-agreement.

I have to be careful though, if I feed someone and I’m not hungry, the venom in my system would change them.

"I have to be careful though" should be separated from the following complex sentence with either a colon, a semi-colon or a period (after which, you'd capitalize "If" and use that as the start of a new sentence). Also, the sentence should read "If I fed on someone..." and "and I wasn't hungry..."

I would have to take care of the New One until they could fend for themselves.

"New Ones" should be plural.

I simply don’t have that kind of patience. Besides, I don’t want the responsibility.

Change "don't" to "didn't."

I’ve been living just for me for over one hundred years, there is no way I’m going to change that now.

Change "I've" to "I'd" and "I'm" to "I wasn't." Separate the first part of the sentence from the part after the comma with either a colon, semicolon, "--," or a period.

Just then I felt something push onto me and hear a low oath. I look down to see [a] shiny white head with gray hair rimming the large spot in the middle. The man takes a step back, readjusting his dark colored business suit.

Change from present to past tense here as well.

“Hey, why don’t you watch where the fuck you’re goin?” he yells at me. When I don’t answer, he looks up the half foot or so to my eyes. He obviously sees something he doesn’t like. “Oh…uh…I-I-I-I’m sorry, s-s-s-sir,” he mumbled, averting his eyes away from my cold gray ones.

This could've been another typo (I'm quite the victim of these myself, lol), but this should be its own separate paragraph. The way it's formatted in your post, it seems like it's part of the paragraph before it. Also, continue to check your tense-usage here, and make sure you're writing in "past tense." You could, of course, change the whole story to "present tense," but of course, you'd still have to keep that consistent. You're probably getting tired of me pointing this random tense stuff out, so I'll quit mentioning the individual errors by advising you to really go through this and check for consistency.

I stood there, watching the short old man mumble incoherently before he side stepped my place on the sidewalk and hurried on his way.

Consider adding "continue to." Moreover, the "before he side stepped my place..." bit is rather confusing, and I'm not entirely sure what you mean.

I smirked to myself, pitiful humans.

Separate these two independent clauses with either a colon, semi-colon, or a period.

I couldn’t be sure if that ability was due to my Vampiric senses, or the sheer volume of the music.

The comma after "senses" is not needed.

I closed my eyes and let the delicious smell wash over my senses.

Change "smell" to a synonym to avoid repetition, but I don't believe this to be horribly neccessary. I suppose you could leave it if you wished.

I scan the room, taking my pick of everyone here.

Change "of" to "from."

blood colored

This should have a hyphen in between.

She spun around to face me and I could tell she liked what she saw.

Place a comma after "me" because you have two independent clauses here.

For a moment I let myself revel in the feeling of being held. I haven’t been held in so long, I almost forgot what it felt like.

I don't see anything wrong with this, but I must say that I LOVE it. These little glimpses into the protagonist's character make the story very enjoyable and very real. Good job here!

I gently, but purposefully took her hand and turned around to exit the club.

I'm pretty sure there should be a comma after "purposefully" since it's sort of an interjection to the main part of the sentence.

I hadn’t even made my way through half of the sweaty, dancing bodies when someone stepped in my way.

Change "I" to "We" since there's two of you.

When her eyes finally met mine again, I looked deep into their emerald color, finding it hard to use my power against her. What the hell?! I don’t care about humans. Since when do I feel bad about using my power to get what I want?

Considering separating everything after "What the hell?!" into another paragraph. I just feel the range of topics covered here is too broad to be in the same paragraph. Also, at this point, I think it'd be beneficial if you put in some sort of reaction from the rejected girl. You could even put in the protagonist's negligence of her reaction if you so choose.

Foolish human, “Weil Schonheit, ich auch deutsch bin,”

Put a period after "human."

I shook my head again, what is going on with me tonight?

Separate into two separate sentences or separate with a colon or semicolon.

“Good evening, Crescentia,” I whispered in her ear, inhaling the floral scent around her. Floral and…something else. Nevermind, I don’t care what she smells like. I need to get out of here.

The audience could garner a lot more if you described the protagonist's physical reaction to his inner troubles. Maybe say, "I whispered slightly dumbfounded in her ear," or something else.

I didn’t need to breath,

"breath" should be "breathe."

I smirked a little, this girl couldn’t get enough of me.

This is why I love this city, plenty of dark alleyways.

^Again, try to avoid separating two independent clauses with a comma (without a conjunction like "but"). Instead, insert a conjunction, or as I mentioned before, use a colon or a semi-colon. End the sentence entirely if you want to.

I put rose my hand to my face, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.

Little error there, but I adore the characteristics you describe here: it really gets the point across that he's stressed.

This would have been extremely pleasurable, if I wasn’t so damn mad right now.

The comma before "if" isn't necessary.

YES FOR GERMAN!!!!!!!

Thank you for posting this; I wish you best of luck!

thank you so so so so so so so so soooooo much!!! i dont know ANYTHING about grammar. you had me put all those semi-colons in and thats really good because i dont know anything about them really (for some reason, none of my teachers ever made us learn grammar). i only put semi-colons in when Microsoft Word tells me to hehe.

ok first of all, i said he side stepped where Lukas was because the old man wanted to get away from him as fast as possible and he knew he couldnt walk through him or force him to move. i used the expression "side stepped" because i thought that "walked around" made it sound disrespectful toward Lukas and the man DEFINITELY didnt want to do that.

also, i'm really glad you like Lukas' clever statements hehe

also, i'm glad that you are getting a sense for who Lukas really is. he is a badass, there is no doubt about that, however its mostly a front. granted, not all of his thoughts are warm and fuzzy, but at the same time hes not always mean either. hes complex haha

i made 99.9 percent of the corrections you told me to make but i made them on my own original copy and not on here.

thanks for picking up on my tense ambiguity. i want to keep it in the past tense, as in he just did it and now hes telling you he did it. i usually dont hop around on tenses like that, i think i was just excited to get the story moving because its been bugging me for a few weeks now. i had already changed some of the tense stuff that you mentioned and some of the random typos as well. i (of course) caught them AFTER i already posted. believe me, i was NOT getting annoyed at the tense thing, i actually felt bad for you .

i'm SOOOOOOO happy and excited that you are liking the story. i already have the second chapter written and i will probably post it tomorrow or the next day. i would be honored if you would continue to read my story. as much as i VALUE your corrections, please dont feel obligated to do that every time (although it would be greatly appreciated)

sometimes my writing comes out meddled (like my brain) so if you are ever confused about something i write (or respond with) please dont hesitate to ask on here or pm me.

and i'm glad you like the German. it takes a while to get right, but its worth it in the end i think. i plan on having a few sentences a chapter (more or less wherever it fits it).

THANK YOU AGAIN for helping me out so much. i appreciate it SOO much!!!

~Heather

p.s. has anyone researched what a lavender rose means yet?? i think it would make the title make more sense to whoever does...muahaha

p.s.s. how do you all feel about Crescentia's name? i researched (for a while) to find the perfect one that had meaning behind it.

*stamps with the official 'to be critiqued' stamp*

As usual, I have not the time this instant, but I will be coming back for this story this weekend! It looks very interesting.

For a 100% guarantee I won't forget this, post the link here: topic25897.html You don't have to--I should remember, but I have the memory of a golfish sometimes. >.<

^_^ Keek!

Vampires! XD

yay sleeping valor found me and is coming to rescue me from the evil grammar and spelling!!!!!! HOORAY!!!




thanks

I really enjoyed Lavender Rose. I love this title by the way. Also I love the name Crescentia. Well I must say that after I finished this chapter I kind of really should have realized Tia was a werewolf because of the way her nostrils flared when she sniffed when she stood in Lukas's path. Well anyways once again I think you have a great plot. I also like how Lukas argues with himself it really tells us that like many mythical creatures he has a weakness, and her name will be Crescentia. I really think this could be a supernatural Soap opera. If they fell in love what would the parents think? Yikes!!! Well I'm going to keep reading.

hahahaha oh man, i love your comments, never fails to make me smile . anyway, yeah a lot of people said they KNEW she was a werewolf but i didnt give many clues at all. i mean they were in a dark night club...and you will find there are other reasons why Lukas didnt know at first. and yes, Lukas will be arguing with himself quite a lot in later chapters when things start to get more intense and i know this is a bit soap opera-ey hahaha they parents would be outraged and then someone would get amnesia but almost be murdered in the hospital or something, right? yeah, i'm not exactly going in that direction yet but i'll keep it in mind haha

Hii Heatherish,

I absolutely adored this and I am totally hooked.
I think most of the things I noticed was already pointed out, but I have one or two things to say.

#1) The German:

Your German is very good. You used it very well, so don't be shocked, 'cause this looks like a lot. It's just subtleties:

“Weil, Schonheit, ich auch deutsch bin,”

“Ich versuchte [no comma here] Sie, Schonheit, [here instead] zu warnen,”

In both cases 'Schönheit' is seperated from the rest of the sentence. In the first because he is directly addressing her and in the second case 'Schönheit' is an apposition (I don't know if there's something like that in English...)

The 'o' in Schönheit is an Umlaut, which you prabably know, if you are studying German, so usually you'd spell it Schönheit and if that's not possible you'd substitute the 'ö' with an 'oe', but I think cutting out the 'e' works very well, so why am I lecturing you about it?

Anyways. I think the second German sentence would work better, if you put the Schönheit at the end. Because the way it is now you emphasize the 'Sie', but I suspect you want to stress the fact that he warned her, which would be achieved by saying:

Ich versuchte Sie zu warnen, Schönheit

A more casual way of saying it would be with present perfect as a tense and judging by the way you translated I'd say maybe you should take

Ich habe versucht dich zu warnen, Schönheit into consideration. I actually think this is better, because this is way peole would say it, so I warmly recommend this version.

Boy, sorry for going on about this for so long, hope it helps you.

#2) The names

I absolutely love your choice of names!
Lukas is actually a quite common German name although I don't think it was in the old days. Anyway, I like it

Crescentia. Beautiful. Really. To the origin: Crescentia comes, I suspect, from the Latin verb crescere which means 'to grow'. So that, of course builds an easy connection to the moon. This is just in case you didn't know and to show why I am so thrilled you chose this for a name. IIt shows you've done a good job in researching and have a good taste
Tia is a lovely nickname. Short and wonderful.

Ooops, I'm rambling, anyways I really like this and I'm sure to read the other chapters.

All the best,

~Kalliope

EDIT: I researched it!! The title proves what you have already proven with the names: You put thought into this, you researched well and you have taste My compliments to the chef!

I liked it a lot. I hope that there is more.

i love it so far. its got good explanation that creates vivid images in my mind so great job. its also fun to read; sexy.

i also love how you've got another language in there

keep on writing:)