Journals of the Broken

Note: This is the beginning of a story that I intend on writing in a journal form. I am looking for opinions on the content as well as the format. I ask that you be completely honest and avoid sugar coating your opinions. (read as: if it sucks, say so.)

Thank You all,

Rea

May 13, 2008, 3:19 PM

Three months may seem a short time to you, but for me it feels like years have passed. It’s hard to believe that I will never be normal again. It is, however, surprisingly easy to believe that the only reason I am still alive is Tory. If she had not talked my mother into giving me another day, they would have taken me off life support and I would not be here now. In a way, I wish I could thank her for that, but there are times I have wished that she had let me die. The things I will never experience again create a longing in my heart that often brings tears to my eyes.

Yet, I believe that this is something I need to experience. Life has a way of putting one into situations that cannot be controlled by the individual for reasons beyond simple understanding. I feel that this is one of those situations and that is why I press on. In any case, I am rather tired. I will explain more in a later entry.

Micha.


May 13, 2008, 7:45 PM

Jared and Tory visited today. They were only here for a short visit, but it was so good to see them. Poor Jared doesn’t understand that this wasn’t his fault. I wish I could explain to him that accidents do happen. I wish that I could hold him and tell him that everything is all right. I want to be there for him like a brother should be, but I am physically incapable of that. So as my body continues to rebel, I will leave this with you, for him:

Jared, my dearest little brother, you could not have seen this coming. This was beyond your control and I will never blame you for it. Please do not blame yourself. Guilt of such a degree is something no ten year old should carry. I love you.

With this, I close.

Micha.


May 15, 2008 7:12 AM

I couldn’t write yesterday. The blood tests weakened me and FES was hell. That’s not to say nothing of importance happened, though. I was delighted when Jared and Tory came again. He was still nervous, but this is still a hospital and I’m still hooked up to the IV and monitors. That would be enough to scare anyone.

Tory told me that my father was home from his most recent business trip and that he and mother would be coming to visit today. I’m still deciding whether I like the thought of that or not. They’ve only been to see me twice since the accident, or at least since I came out of the coma caused by the accident. Neither time was pleasant. Mother never knows what to say and father insists I’d be better off dead.

In any case, this entry has sapped me of my energy and sleep beckons to me.

Micha.

I really liked this! I want to read more.

The thing that I think will be tough for you about using the journal format is: no matter how good a writer you are, if your character isn't also a writer, it will be hard to use your skills. For example, if you have really good descriptions, it will be hard to take advantage of them unless your character has them too. Another thing is the descriptions: there aren't any. And that makes sense for journal entries, but for a novel(la)... well... it makes it kind of hard for the reader to picture what's happening in their mind's eye.

In any case, I am rather tired. I will explain more in a later entry.

Your character always writes in the same style in his journal entries. I keep a journal, and try to be poetic sometimes, but when you're tired and/or moody your entries change. Try to make the style of each entry reflect the character's mood. It's a way of showing rather than telling. In the example sentence above, you tell us that he is tired--try to show us, by making his sentences fade off into ellipses and the concepts get rambly.

Another thing to think about it using the second person. For example, the first sentence:

Three months may seem a short time to you, but for me it feels like years have passed.

Though that is an awesome opening line, and sucked me in immediately, it is in the second person (you, rather than I/we, or he/she/they). Who is the "you" your character is talking to?

There are some big things to think about.

A question: are you planning to have this be a novel or novella or a short story? I think this format would work well for a novella or short story, but not a novel.

Hope this helps! PM me if I was unclear about anything.

~Azila~

Wow! That's really good! I especially liked the firts entry, I didn't feel as though I was being overloded with info (but be careful not to do that bty!).

Just remember, the reader only knows what you tell him/her.

Not much to say just well done!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

As per your request, Reaky m'dear. ^_^

Haha, wow that was a quick read. I think I love you just for that. xD

I've never been a huge fan of journal-style stories, but that's just personal preference.

Mostly what bugs me is that every entry is usually a major event and there's never anything menial going on -- which is what someone would actually write in a diary. You... kind of have a balance between the two going on here? Hm. It's kind of hard to tell. I'm assuming that your character is writing this from a hospital. What bugs me is that there isn't enough menial things, but they're at the very least present.

Uh... I'm trying to figure out exactly how to phrase it, but it's not working. xD

Maybe you could put in more detail about the pain Micha is feeling? What's going through her head, a couple hints as to what happened, etc. In layman's terms, more detail. Like, specific examples of the problems that she faces. It'd be helpful.

Keep in mind though, I've never really been a fan of stories told through journal entries, so my opinions may be slightly biased.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

ello Reak

they would have taken me off life support and I would not be here now.

let me help you with the end.
it should be:
I wouldn't be here now
Its a lot less confusing to read.

I will explain more in a later entry.

Later? I think another would work better.

This paints a very blurry image in my head. I don't know what happened, I don't know who these people are (except Jared who is her brother) we have no feelings for your characters and they don't have much character. Since this is only your first chapter, I won't be harsh on character development, but I hope it improves through the story.
I don't generally like reading diaries, but this one seemed to keep me reading.

Keep going,
Gwen

PS.
PM me once you have more up

Hey Reakeda,

First of all, I would like to say that Azlia has pretty much covered as to what I've thought of this piece. What I would like to add more on is the lack of thoughts and emotions. This is actually pretty bland, the info dumping doesn't take advantage of the language features. You don't really elaborate certain ideas further. For example:

Tory visited today. They were only here for a short visit, but it was so good to see them.

Like this. Why was it good to see them? Like you don't really explore your character's experiences further. There is this diary-isk type writing piece that we read in english class recently that explored the theme of how it was motivation of a person that drives him/her and not reality itself. Only this was not stated directly, but you have to actually read between the lines to figure this out, as the author expressed his very own thoughts on this theme. He stated his oxymoron of "dream logic" and the lines that followed show some sniplets of his life that supports this oxymoron.

My point is that when you are diary writing, you have to really nuckle down the deeper features of it. It's not easy, I admit. You have to skillfully word your sentences and how you are going to present your idea.

Overall, you have a good framework, just work on the depth of the ideas.

Andy.

Good idea, but kinda hard to gauge from this point.

The one problem I see in this is the diary format. It's a cool style, but you're not really pulling it off. The thing to remember about diaries is that they're full of the things the author doesn't want to tell anyone else as well as everyday stuff. And sometimes by reading a diary, you can tell what the author doesn't want to admit.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, to me, a diary style must be justified- why are you writng in a diary and not third person? if you can convince us t's necessary, then it'll work. But we need a reason.

The idea itself is really good. There's a lot of places you can take this. It should be fun.