Just Pretend I Didn't Tear Your World Apart

I dislike a lack of conclusion. I want
the sun to set and the light to die.
Words make poor bedfellows, I think
we learnt more in silence
watching the wind drive ever northward,
it was all we had in common, I know.

Living the past is not black and white:
memories are the shadiest creatures I own,
though easy to repress
nevertheless; I remember
when I used to think of existence
in twos, when my hand was your hand,

when my head used to make sense. I hope
you've forgotten me

easily. I have trouble
turning the next page, to discern
where I end and I begin.

At least, these days
I have a great view. I watch the sky burn
night after night, without a stray word.
The world has a beautiful finale. I am
jealous.

This is probably a useless review!!

But I just absolutely loved this, there is nothing else i can say. Its great.
I love the title, it was a good choice!!

Love it, Well done!!!


Dofs...

Words make poor bedfellows, I think
we learnt more in silence
watching the wind drive ever northward,
it was all we had in common, I know.

I think you could fix the punctuation up here. At the least, the last line could be its own sentence.

though easy to repress
nevertheless; I remember
when I used to think of existence
in twos, when my hand was your hand,

I love the rhyme between "repress" and "nevertheless"--it's beautiful and rolls right off of the tongue. I also love the descriptions following "the existence of two" It's a nice way to say something rather than out right saying it--what you are saying is assumed. I've always like that in poetry. But again I want to attack your punctuation, haha. Perhaps end the sentence at "repress" then start another, and put a comma instead of a semicolon?

In the end though, punctuation is up to you.

Gah, Jack. *tackles* I'm happy to see you writing. I love this poem a lot. The line it starts with is amazing, and then by the end you have the conclusion. It's just so emotional and radiating, and it would be bad if it wasn't so well written, but its so well written that it is amazing and beyond. Honestly though, I don't like the title much. I think you could have picked something that better fit the poem. There isn't much of a mention of a world being torn apart in the poem, and though the title makes sense in refrence to the poem, I don't think the two work together, or at least, I think you could come up with one that worked much better for the poem.

Your rock my socks, man. I also really loved how your stanza breaks were placed. I don't know if you just did them randomly, but I found meaning in all of them, and loved it. For this, I will not eat you. But I command you write me a story! *beats*

I'm impressed. The subject probably wouldn't grab me, normally, but here you make it work. Really work.
There were a few things that stood out to me. Firstly, punctuation, but Suzanne's already pointed out the problems with that pretty thoroughly!
I also found some phrases awkward or uncomfortable, and I'm not too sure why in all cases but in some parts the tone does get a bit contrived and therefore the sound of some lines didn't sit as well with the rest of the poem. For instance:

I dislike a lack of conclusion

As an opening line that really didn't grab me. It's vague and really a bit clumsy and I just had this niggling feeling that you were using 3 words when you could be using 1.

memories are the shadiest creatures I own,

Again, that's not punchy enough, and it is a bit contrived.
I like the voice of the piece generally, but I think it falls down in places like this:

I have a great view.

Overall loved it though. Nice work

First off, great title. It gives the poem kind of an arrogant (but healthy) precedent. However, despite that, I am having difficulty picking up on the tone. Even though it's first person, you achieved negative capability quite well but I'm still having a hard time picking up on the objective correlative. Maybe if I knew a little background behind the poem it would be clearer.

Oh, gosh, I loved this so much:)

However... (ah yes, that inevitable word...)

Firestarter wrote:when my head used to make sense. I hope
you've forgotten me

easily. I have trouble
turning the next page, to discern
where I end and I begin.

This style seemed to jump out of nowhere, suddenly having the two-line verse, and seperating the last word into the next verse. It was completely out of place.
Ach, at the same time, I can't get over loving that kind of style, and not wanting you to change a thing... this is getting me nowhere. Moving on.

Firestarter wrote:The world has a beautiful finale. I am
jealous.

The word 'jealous' here seems so random, plucked out of thin air and thrust into a place where it has no businesses. Jealous of what? Maybe it belongs completely with the whole meaning of the poem, but if it does, you need to bring that out more because I didn't see it at all.


So, kudos for you, this was spectacular.

*adna*

Hey, I was really drawn into this.

The title attracted me first off, and then I felt engaged as the poem developed, kind of like someone's thoughts, meandering, conclusive

I particularly liked this line

I have a great view. I watch the sky burn
night after night, without a stray word

Apart from maybe looking again at your punctuation, I enjoyed reading this.


Eimearxx

The first stanza seems a little disconnected. Each phrase seems to halt at the end, rather than skip to the next one. Like Chevy, I have a hard time finding a tone through this. I think something that might help that would be to go through and nitpick which words you really need and which words you could combine or cut altogether.

Living the past is not black and white:

I think you could cut this and skip right to the explanation to make it less [topic][explanation]

I have trouble
turning the next page, to discern
where I end and I begin.

This was a little awkward. "turning the next page" is vague without continuing explanation and I can't tell whether you mean "where I end and I begin" or more melancholy "where I end and where I begin".

I like the nice, crisp ending. It fits lovely-ly with the title and the two together have unity that the rest of the poem is working on. I like the word choice of "stray word" because you could have said "single word" or "a word" or any other numerous combination, but "stray" gives the stanza almost a rubber band effect; ideas and emotions are running everywhere, in all different directions, but they always snap back into one neat little package that is the stanza.

I was all set up to critique this thing, and everyone took all there was to critique. The fact is this poem has such raw emotion there's just not much I can say. The long and short of it is that I really love this poem, from beginning to end. Anything I had to say was just nitpicky and already mentioned here. Sorry to just give you some useless praise (although I'm sure it doesn't hurt that one more person out there loves this!)

I dislike a lack of conclusion. I want
the sun to set and the light to die.
Words make poor bedfellows, I think
we learnt more in silence
watching the wind drive ever northward,
it was all we had in common, I know.

Living the past is not black and white:
memories are the shadiest creatures I own,
though easy to repress
nevertheless; I remember
when I used to think of existence
in twos, when my hand was your hand,

when my head used to make sense. I hope
you've forgotten me

easily. I have trouble
turning the next page, to discern
where I end and I begin.

At least, these days
I have a great view. I watch the sky burn
night after night, without a stray word.
The world has a beautiful finale. I am
jealous.

OMG, this was fantastic!!!!!!! Lol, sorry I get excited when I read awesome poem's like yours!!

Well this wasen't much of a review, but more so a complament!!

So keep up the great work!!

Kelsi =)

i liked it! I hope my work will be as amazing as yours.I love how you put words together, you're beyond talented. Good luck!!!!

Well, obviously this poem isn't suffering from lack of criticism, so we'll see what I can add.

I liked it. It's honest, it's smart. It gives and it takes.

In terms of tone, the first stanza especially has this overly formal feel that I couldn’t get at. You need to cut the words I've struck. Replace them with something that fits the tone of the title -- that's the feel you want for this poem. Sharp, fresh, edgy. Not overtly self-important and proper.

I dislike a lack of conclusion. I want
the sun to set and the light to die.
Words make poor bedfellows, I think
we [s]learnt[/s] more in silence
watching the wind drive [s]ever[/s] northward,
it was all we had in common, I know.

Okay, this is really all I can critique at the moment, need to get going. But I really like this, Jack. Love the finale. Glad to see you putting out new writings.

Lyndsey