Carbon Copies

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I could really hear your voice and tone, so nice work on that.
What I heard your voice speaking about was cliches, cliches, cliches. How many times have I read a piece on this topic...Well, let's jsut say it's a worthy one and it deserves worthy expression.

If only to be a paper skinny actor on T.V.,
Or the prettiest model in that magazine.
But what does it turn you into really?

You're really telling us exactly what the poem is about and you may as well scrap the rest and cut it there. SHow us what you mean. I like your ideas of carbon copies but you need to be more subtle about what it means.

We should have BAN PERFECTION written on all magazines.
Let’s teach our girls to be beautiful,
Not on the outside,
But in their soul.

Here it's pretty much THIS IS WHAT I THINK LET IT BE A LESSON TO YOU. In the words we hear people say every day. My suggestion would be that you could have a particular situation of a person intead of speaking to us in these grand tones. Make us care about what you're saying. Vagueness isn't very powerful.

I agree with Liz in that it's too preachy for its own good. This isn't so much a poem as a rant with line breaks.

Subtlety is a very good thing...it can often be more powerful than screaming at your reader, know what I mean? The reader wants to read a story, the reader wants an appeal to his emotions; he does NOT want to be lectured on the evils of society.

As for the slam poem aspect, I think it falls flat on its face as a slam piece. Rhythm, sound, and tone are all a very important part of slam, and you've pretty much ignored them! What makes a song or a speech so appealing on a basic level? Its feel. Use rhythm to your advantage...make the words flow naturally and sound smooth.

-Colleen

Everything that you write really, I could just here you saying. It was very realistic, so well done on that!

I would agree with others though, when I say it didn't spell 'slam' out to me. I'm not really the person for poetry, but

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

I don't think that there was really any rhythm, which doesn't make it much of a poem. It was okay, but not great. Um...pretty much do what everyone else said, because that's what I would've said myself.

Other than that there were a few grammar errors...

The only line that I really liked was "
“FORGET YOUR INDIVIDUALITY !” "

Other than that it was pretty boring. Didn't tell me anything that I don't already understand... You just say it outright. You need to show us more, give description. Once I got about halfway through, it was like "it could end right here". You're basically repeating the same things over again.

It needs work, I think that some of your ideas were okay, but overall it was kind of cliche. Try re-writing it, and give it some rhythm, some flow, something that will draw people into the poem, not hold them on the outside so that they're just sitting there reading. Make it something that they won't want to quit reading, something that keeps getting better, and doesn't let go so that they'll never, ever stop reading! Well, until the end of the poem, that is.

It needs a lot of work, as I said before, but it does have some potential. Work on it, and you could make this a lot better.

Do what everyone else said, too, that should help a lot. They know what they're talking about. ;-P

Keep writing!!!

Teh Wozzinator