Human Nature

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Okay, here's my second full length poem. And by the way, the character isn't mentioned much, but all of this are his thoughts on the subject...anyways, begin.

HUMAN NATURE

I stand at the corner
Of Adams and Eighth,
And weep at the wreckage
Of this once beautiful place.

Oh, how humanity has destroyed.
How time has taken its toll.
Once a forest, a meadow…
Now with buildings it is full.

I'm surrounded by rundown houses
With mold clinging to the walls.
Why have we put these things here
When once great trees stood tall?

And ugly metal mountains,
Factories bulge from the ground.
They burn up their own landscape
As once, there, a forest could be found.

A black ghost of destruction
Smoke fills the sky.
And underneath the interstate bridge
A polluted river trickles by.

And as time still flies by,
It may be near its worst.
Nature is destroyed so we get what we want,
But then for more and more we thirst.

Without a second glance
It’s trampled underfoot.
We crush the homes of many creatures;
Trees are metal buildings next you look.

As we humans move along
Animals move onto the streets.
It seems that from our selfish acts
We are more the beasts.

Our lives get so much easier
But it makes the earth so much worse.
Living beings are secondhand
Convenience and technology come first.

And they call it human nature.
Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:36 am, edited 7 times in total.
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I really like this actually... the only thing I would change is this stanza.

"Without a second glance
It’s trampled underfoot.
We destroy the homes of many,
And trees are metal buildings next you look."

The last line is kinda tricky to say, I am really bad at helping rewrites, but maybe just change it around so the flow is a little better.

Other than that, I like the meaning. I can see what the narrator is seeing, that's always a good thing. I really like this a lot.
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Good stuff, powerful content and generally very well expressed! Some of your images really stood out in my mind and for the most part your rhyming works well, which is something I dont hear myself say often.
One of the main problems I felt with this piece was that you tended to slip into the realm of the obvious occassionally.
It seems that from our selfish acts

Convenience and technology come first.

I dont really like the way that's expressed for example. I'd like more detail and image that you treated us to in the earlier parts of your poem, such as:
And underneath the interstate bridge
A polluted river trickles by.

That's really good, because I can feel exactly where you are, and I feel like I'm there. Don't feel the need to make generalisations to get your point across - often the reader can pick up subtleties you may think are too subtle.
purple sneakers




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HUMAN NATURE

I like the title of it, because it can be taken in several ways. One is that it's "human nature to destroy" and such, the behaviours we exhibit. Another connotation is that what has been erected in the place of trees is humanity's creation, humanity's habitat. That we have made our own Nature.

I hope you did that knowingly, because that would be awesome.

I stand at the corner
Of Adams and Eighth,
And weep at the wreckage
Of this once beautiful place.

Frankly, I'm not convinced that it was once beautiful. This, and what follows, is somewhat preachy and irritating.

Oh, how humanity has destroyed.
How time has taken its toll.
Once a forest, a meadow…
Now with buildings it is full.

It sounds so generic. It's so easy to take this view, because it's so ubiquitous these days. Mother Earth is the new God, and Humans are as sinful and inherently evil as they were 2000 years ago. I'm still not convinced that the buildings aren't in their own way beautiful. Make me hate them. Show me, don't tell me and don't rely on views built into the zeitgeist to evoke passion in your poetry.

A black ghost of destruction
Smoke fills the sky.
And underneath the interstate bridge
A polluted river trickles by.
This is better. We have some better description, some imagery, some 'ugliness'.

And as time still flies by,
It may be near its worst.
Nature is destroyed, to give us what we want,
Yet for more and more we thirst.

I'm still finding this to be a- (I'm trying not to use the word cliche, because that's so cliche these days.) -rather 'milked' topic. There's not much special about your poem. Its flow is acceptable, but it's drab and unemotive to me.

Without a second glance
It’s trampled underfoot.
We destroy the homes of many,
And trees are metal buildings next you look.
The problem with the 'destroying the homes of animals' is that the animals themselves destroy aspects of nature in their own ways as well. Immorality to Nature isn't exclusive to humanity - and despite their lack of cognition to actually decide whether or not to 'damage nature', you still must define what contributes to the Natural Balance and what takes from it and take into account that the so-called Natural Balance has and will continue to constantly change, because it isn't really a balance, but a chaotic river roaring down the endless riverbed of time with brooks and creeks constantly forking into and out of it as types of flora and fauna live and die...

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I suppose I was in some respects critiquing the content and views instead of the technical side of the poem, which is actually one of the more well constructed poems I've read here. (Admittedly, I've read few. But since you critiqued my story...) I suspect there was no syllable pattern and some of the rhymes were a little dubious, but it's still a good effort and it did make me think. So, well done.




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WOW!!! That was truly amazing! The rhyming was out of this world and the poem itself was very true indeed, although I think that you have continued a little more on the fact of the animals and maybe said exactly what was causing the problem.
It swims in originality and moves the reader to awe. The fact that one person tlike you could write (type), so well blows me onto mars and keeps me there forever.
Really there's nothing wrong with this poem and I have no problems.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :lol: :D :P
SHANAN-CAT!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown




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Thanks for the comments! Especially the good ones... I've added a new stanza in and edited another. I'm working on the one stanza that was awkward.

("Without a second glance
It’s trampled underfoot.
We destroy the homes of many,
And trees are metal buildings next you look.")

I'm planning on editing the last line.

And Katharsis...

The one stanza I added was to promote the ugliness, because what I saw when I was writing the poem was a couple of factories and some badly-taken-care-of houses. I may still talk about the houses...
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Wow Wozzell!

The rhyming was realy good! You should be a poet my man!

The imagery was stop on and I coudn't sense any flaw with it at all, well done!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




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aedomir wrote:Wow Wozzell!

The rhyming was realy good! You should be a poet my man!

The imagery was stop on and I coudn't sense any flaw with it at all, well done!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~


Thanks man, you rock!!! Lol...
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