Blackened

Just for all my friends on this site, em and camille, this is about Edward and me, and also how I feel sometimes, (and I do still like him. Shhhhhh!)



My heart ached as my love drifted away; he no longer cares for me, but I do for him so dearly. Our hearts once beat together, but were broken by his lies and my hatred. He walked from me face plain, and eyes as gold as ever, full nothing.
I lay fanned on the ground, stomach facing the dee sky and back pressed against the cool soil,refreshing my burning body.
Giant trees surrounded me, shading me from the sparkling moonlight, and silk black sky. Winking stars spread their glory and howling wolves sang their song.
Tears escaped from my eyes, like raindrops against my window and a water fall in the forest. I felt so childish, crying out my pain, so I stopped and gazed at the night scene.
My pocket knife was know in my and and tearing through pale wrists' skin like there's no tomorrow; but that's 'cause isn't tomorrow, not for me at least.
I could care less if my life ended in five seconds, 'cause I knew that I couldn't go on like this; hearts broken forever, the doing of my love.
At this moment, my life had no more meaning that grain of sand upon millions in a bucket. My stomach hurt from the starvation that I went through; I thought that I wasn't good enough, and I was right; or so I thought.
I didn't think that he loved me for who I was. I knew that if I died this very night, he wouldn't care, but really, it turns out different.
My wrist bled furiously, but it wasn't enough; my body demanded for more.
Again with my knife, I slashed my arms and legs repeatedly; the pain that my actions brought felt promising, and my life as i knew it would soon end.
"My hearts was given to you but you didn't approve, so here on this cold night, I take it away from all, never to see it again. Never to beat again," I yelled with strength that I had left.
I didn't hesitate, and stabbed myself in my stomach, sending blood squirting out of my human body.
My feet went amazingly cold and hands went numb; the last thing that I heard was my love running towards me, knealing besides me, and pleading for me not to leave.
I was wrong to think that he didn't want me; he did. It's my fault, I'm the one to blame for being so blind and looking over my actions.
The feel of his hands on my face faded; his beautiful voice, so anxious, echoed through my tender body; his manly scent loomed in my hair and on my clothes, and the feeling of his lips against mine is being forgotten.
The forest around me drifted from my sight, and the knife in my limp hand was released from my grip.
Before I entered the heavens' stream, I realized that i've wasted a soul; my own. Before I left the home I knew so well and my loved ones, I reached for my neck and pulled off the necklace that hung there, and placed it in the hands of my lover, then entered the stream full of prancing angels and lullaby music.
When I entered the gates at heavens' entrance, the necklace in my loves' hands turned black, like the heart on its chain; like me when I was alive.

Grammar, spelling, punctuation, these are all VERY important things in any writing or else it becomes ineligible. So, I shall show you some areas that need improvement.
Phebe I need to let you know that this is NOT MSN or e-mail, this is a literary site so to be literate capitalize your Is and for the love of everything literate never and I do mean NEVER write 'cause. The apostraphe in front of it does NOT make it okay. The only time you are aloud to write 'cause is in dialogue, if that is the way you have chosen them to speak. You're a very talented writer but those things will bring you down. Now on to certain things in your post that need improvement.

Quote:
He walked from me face plain and eyes as gold as ever, full nothing

That sentence made absolutly no sense. Work on it when you edit this post because I don't think I'm the only one who doesn't understand it.


Quote:
Tears escaped from my eyes, like raindrops against my window and a waterfall in the forest.

Take away the comma after eyes, my window should be a window and change the and to or.


Quote:
My pocket knife was know in my and and tearing through pale wrists' skin like there's no tomorrow; but that's 'cause isn't tomorrow, not for me at least.


My pocket knife was NOW in my HAND and tearing through MY pale wrists' skin like there WAS no tomorrow; but that was BECAUSE there wasn't A tomorrow. Not for me at least.

(the capitals are the changes I made)(you switched from present tense to past tense in this paragraph, PLEASE choose a tense and stick to it)


Quote:
At this moment, my life had no more meaning that grain of sand upon millions in a bucket. My stomach hurt from the starvation that I went through; I thought that I wasn't good enough, and I was right; or so I thought.

...no more meaning than a grain of sand among many in a bucket(personally I would say "....among many on a beach.")

Quote:
"My hearts was given to you but you didn't approve, so here on this cold night, I take it away from all, never to see it again. Never to beat again," I yelled with strength that I had left.
I didn't hesitate, and stabbed myself in my stomach, sending blood squirting out of my human body.


First of all it's heart, singular and that part does not need to be in quotation as she has been saying all this already without actually using dialogue... if you know what I mean.
Second, you don't need to say human body, we know she's a human otherwise you would have described her to be something else.

Quote:
My feet went amazingly cold and hands went numb;

..and MY hands went numb


Quote:
Before I left the home I knew so well and my loved ones, I reached for my neck and pulled off the necklace that hung there, and placed it in the hands of my lover,


That part made absolutly no sense. Fix it in editing.

Anyways thats all. PM me with any questions about my review.

Happy Editing!!!

-BroadwayGirl

Hey! Thanks for reading StoweAway!!

He walked from me face plain, and eyes as gold as ever, full nothing.

Yeah, this sentence makes no sense. So I'll edit it.

He walked away from me, his face plain and eyes as golden as ever.

I lay fanned on the ground, stomach facing the dee sky

What's a dee sky?

My pocket knife was know in my and and tearing through pale wrists'

'now in my hand'

but that's 'cause [there] isn't [a] tomorrow, not for me at least

I could care less if my life ended [s]in[/s] [within] five seconds,

Wow. That was a really powerful flash fiction you wrote there. I've never been into emo writing, but I think that you pulled this off nicely.

As someone mentioned before, emo is cliche.

I don't know why a lot of new people are pulled into emoism. I think that they think that death is deep and meaningful. It's not.

Try to write something happy. Well, it doesn't have to be happy, but most of your writing is about suicide/emo people. I'm not asking you to change your writing style, it's just that not a lot of people like to read about emoism.

good luck! you are a great writer and I look forward to reading more of your work!

BBB