The Life and Times of Miss Aurora Beaumont (and friends)

*lilmisswritergal* · 2008-02-09T12:28:04Z

This is my first attempt at fantasy. Hope you like it javascript:emoticon(':D') Very Happy Sleeping Beauty A Twist in the Tale I’m cursed. I’ve always known it. But I’ve always managed to hide it. Not even my best friends, Flora, Fauna and Felicia know. At least, I don’t think they do. Mum and Dad try and keep it hidden, but their enemy, Mallory from Briar Rose College, makes it difficult for them. Mallory is the one who put me in this position in the first place. When I’m sixteen, I’m going to die. Are you shocked? I seem like a normal, down to earth person, don’t I? Well, while I’m at school, Mallory can’t touch me. My friends protect me. They all have special powers. One’s really clever and creative; that’s Flora. She’s really pretty and gets top grades in almost everything, apart from Flight class, which is where we practice our flying skills and earn points to aerobatics competitions. Flora hates sports, and is scared of heights, so its not surprising that she is always trying to avoid Flying. Next comes Fauna. Out of all my friends, I’d say I like Fauna the best. She’s sweet, caring and completely dotty. She wears the weirdest clothes, like bright oranges and greens and pinks with silver glitter boots and abstract costume jewellery. Felicia is, shall we say, a little on the wild side. She’s smart, stormy and tomboyish. Her favourite colour is blue, and she’s always wearing it; her wardrobe doesn’t span more than three colours, red, grey and blue. You will never catch her wearing pastel colours, or as Felicia calls them- frilly-dilly rubbish. Felicia, or Fliss as we call her, is greatly fond of sports, and has a hunk of a boyfriend in the shape of the Flight class leader. He’s young, fit and the most startling blue eyes. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right, I was telling you about the curse. Well, it’s not like a restricting curse, but it is a very scary one. You see, at my first birthday party, Mum and Dad had invited everyone from Briar Rose College, apart from Mallory. They knew that she had a quick temper, and backstabbed many people, including her own friends. In truth, she was jealous of everyone, of their popularity, of their generosity, and a load of other things, but somehow, even if my Mum and Dad had sent her an invite, she probably would have cursed me anyway. So Mallory turned up unexpectedly, and was really nice at first. Mum and Dad should have seen it coming. Things soon turned nasty. My friends’ mothers each gave me a gift. Flora’s mum’s gift was an eternal beauty set that she’d created herself. Fauna’s mother, who is very musical, gave me a voice recorder that adapted my voice to the tune and over time reflected back onto me and gave me a beautiful voice. Fliss’ mother didn’t get the chance to give me a gift. Mallory stomped in (probably after several glasses of Whitewash Wine, and tipped some powder into my baby’s bottle. I immediately drank it, and so the curse took hold. Mallory announced to everyone what she’d done, and made a large joke out of it. My mum was shocked, and frightened. She was desperate to keep me alive, and knew that Mallory would probably try and kill me before I was sixteen, so I was given to my Aunt Fredelia, who although a little eccentric brought me up in the best way possible, and now I’m at secondary school, she doesn’t have to worry much. I’m fifteen, so I don’t have that long to go. I’m not scared of dying but I just wish that there were some way I could prevent it. School. It’s okay I guess, a really old building with pretty old-fashioned ideas too. Fliss and I aren’t in many classes together; she prefers practical work to creative work. Flora and I both took Drama for a course. We also do Advanced English and Literature. Fliss says it’s boring, but Potions and Flight in the same day? No way! At the moment, I’m at school. I should be listening to Miss Flamoral, but I’m not. I’m doodling on the back of my school planner, because I’m bored. Flora’s sitting three desks in front of me, her pen scribbling its way across her book. She’s the only one in the class with thick glittering wings, which she folds in by arching her back. She’s the prettiest in the class, in my opinion, but Mallory’s niece, Cornetia, is also in our class and she’s always trying to make trouble. She is such a snob, even though Mallory’s very successful, Cornetia gets most of her money spent on her! She’s always getting new stuff, and it doesn’t always seem fair. Cornetia is pretty, powerful, and wealthy- and the worst thing is, she knows it! She flaunts herself, always showing off about the latest Toadstools boots, with the gold trimming, and her pure glass slippers. She wants to watch out- Kellerina and Flavia would love to get their hands on those. Still, I don’t suppose that it would make them any prettier, especially since their sister, Ellacinda (Ellachinda) is the most beautiful girl in the school, even more beautiful than Flora! Everyone picks on Ellacinda, (known as Cindy at school,) she’s not stupid, as you might think, but she’s very very clever. She has grades that make Flora’s wings look like fake glitter, and that’s saying something. There are lots of rules at school, you aren’t allowed to fly within the building, and you may only hover outside. Flora tries to bend this rule because she can’t hover properly, as her wings aren’t yet fully grown and aren’t balanced properly. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, Cindy. Cindy works for our school magazine, the Sneaky Slipper, as our school is the Ruby Wonder Academy. Fliss, Fauna, Flora and I only belong to the Drama club, and we’ve tried to persuade Cindy to come with us, but she doesn’t like acting, so we gave up. It doesn’t matter to me, because I don’t need to get good grades. Mum says it’s just an excuse not to work, but what’s the point if I’m just going to die in a year? Mum shut up after that. I keep rambling and its silly. Flora has just sent me a note telling me to pay attention and not to think about Mr Philip Samson, but she’s nuts. I don’t fancy him, because I don’t have a chance, and even if I did, our relationship would be a bit short. You can’t really go up to someone and say: “Hello, I’m Aurora, you can’t be friends with me ‘cos I’m going to die.” It would sound weird and I wouldn’t get anywhere, so what’s the point? I’ve just scribbled a return note to Flora: Mind your own, Flora! I DON’T fancy Philip Samson AT ALL In truth, I do think that he is rather ‘buff’ as Cornetia says, but there is no way that I’d ever end up marrying him, not within the space of two months, and Cindy loves him, no, she adores him! She follows him around like a lost puppydog, but he’s not interested. He just cares about his next jousting tournament with the neighbouring school, Jack Beanstalk High, where they come top of everything, and their heads are in the clouds! Cindy is complaining to Fauna that she doesn’t have her Flying kit because her horrid sisters have stolen it and no doubt hidden it somewhere that she can’t reach because she’s too short. Cindy can’t help being completely pathetic, it’s her character and I must learn to live with it. Oh damn! I’ve just seen Philip with his two mates, Charmin and Stephano crossing the bridge next to our classroom, and they’re holding some very weird looking surfboards. Its not even summer! Oh when is this lesson going to end? Later- Lunch. We’re sitting out by the jousting pitch and watching Philip and his mates make a fool of themselves. Flora’s got her no-calorie wings-thickening lunch, with honey sandwiches, sparkle dust sherbet lemon juice, and an apple. For some reason, Snowy has just come to join us, but refused to take some of Flora’s apple when Flora offered it to her. Is she under a curse, too? Fliss has just finished her lunch and is pestering me to go with her and try out some new flying techniques, of which I’ve refused, because I don’t fly well. I have to borrow a pair of second-hand wings from the cast-offs box, and I wasn’t built in fairy mould. I am a normal girl whereas my friends are all trainee fairies, like their mothers. Fliss rebels against her mould, though, because fairies are meant to be cute, and sweet and sympathetic, and she isn’t. It’s difficult to try and buy something for her that she will like. Oh-oh, here comes Mr Dragonsbaine, and Flora looks as though she’s about to faint. “Afternoon, ladies!” He greets us, flicking his shiny hair back. Flora seems to have frozen in a position, refusing to speak. Oh dear God! She’s fallen under his spell! I am so stupid! Hold on, dear friend, I shall save you! “FLORA!!!” She’s snapped out of it. “Hello Mr Dragonsbaine.” She says, waving her fingers at him girlishly. “Hello Flower.” I was about to correct him and annoy Flora, but Flora pinched me and smiled in such a simpering pathetic way at Mr Dragonsbaine, that it would have made a cat sick. I had to agree with her. “What are you young ladies up to?” He asks. “We’re eating lunch,” I answer, and he winks like some sort of idiot, expecting me to swoon or faint, no doubt. I stare at him and he walks away. I turn to Flora, who looks angry. “What did you do that for?” She demands. “What? That idiot had you under a lockjaw spell, what was I supposed to do?” “Leave me be. Do you realise just how uncool it makes me look? Like I can’t even cast a simple spell?” “Hey, calm down, Flora.” Interrupts Fauna, soothingly. No one can calm anyone down like Fauna, she’s always so tidy and generous, I can’t even imagine her angry. She’s also very shy, and thinks that we as a group, should try harder with Cindy, just to give her confidence. Personally I think it’s a waste of time, but then again Fauna is very clever with her friendship skills. The bell has just marked the end of lunch, and there goes Cornetia with Kellerina and Flavia, off in the direction of the drama rooms. They won’t get very far. Fliss has just collided into the back of Cornetia, and Cornetia is looking at her with the deepest loathing, as Fliss has spoilt the ‘princess’s brand new coat, silver silk with fur collar. “I’m just about to do my audition, you stupid little ragfairy!” She complains. “Oh, sorry,” Apologises Fliss, with an air of sarcasm, “I can see Your Majesty is extremely displeased. I shall fetch you another coat.” “No,” Cornetia moans, “it won’t be good enough. We’re doing The Tale of the Tinies, and I simply must wear this coat. Now it’s ruined, and it’s all your fault, Felicity!” “Oh, you won’t get far, Cornetia. Poucelina is auditioning. I think she’s more the size they want rather than a big lump like you!” Cornetia just slapped Fliss hard. I’m going down to cast a spell on that little madam, see how she likes it. I got down there and was about to cast a lockjaw spell on Cornetia and Co, when I notice Cindy’s Flying Kit protruding from her bag. I snatched it and demanded to know why she’d taken it. “Just a bit of fun, ‘Rora, nothing to get angry about.” “It is! You stole poor Cindy’s stuff, because of these two half-wits, I suppose?!” Cornetia stepped forward. “They are not half-wits, they are my friends. I’d rather have them that have your company, with the ragfairies!” “You say that one more time, Cornetia, and I’ll make sure Mrs Elixaber knows about it.” This was my best weapon to use against the little menace, as everyone in our school fears Mrs Elixaber. She’s the headmistress, and when she hears her students calling each other ‘ragfairy’ the likelihood is that she will sweep you off to the tower and leave you there for a couple of hours. The tower is dark, dirty and cold. It’s one of the original parts of the school, where the Ruby Slippers were discovered, and so the founder gave them to his daughter, Vanessa Rose Wonder, who named the school in her father’s name, and changed her own to Ruby. Cornetia withered like a flower. “Please don’t tell Mrs Elixaber, she’d send me to the tower, and I don’t want to go there!” She pleaded, in a pathetic voice. “Like you’d really tell Mrs Elixaber.” Jeered Flavia. “Oh yes I would.” I warned her, “stop picking on your sister, Flav.” “First of all,” Snarled Flavia, “Cindy is not my sister. She’s my stepsister,” Flavia’s teeth are a little goofy, so I got splattered with spit, “and my name is Flavia.” “Yeah, her name’s Flavia, and I’m Kellerina.” Neither of them are pretty, and I don’t see why Cornetia would have them as her friends. Perhaps she just pities them for being so ugly, who knows? “Oh, I see now,” Exclaimed Cornetia, her mouth spreading into a smug grin, “Fauna the idiot has adopted poor little Cindy into her ragfairy gang!” My face flushed beetroot and I smacked Cornetia hard on the nose. Cornetia reeled. She howled and sobbed and clutched at her bloody nose, I had somehow managed to make it bleed. Flavia and Kellerina automatically assisted her to the nearest toilets, and I ran off to find my friends. Flora, Fauna and Fliss were sitting with Cindy, trying to comfort her. I brandished the bag from behind my back, and Cindy’s face lit up. “Oh thank you! Thank you!” She cried, throwing her arms around me. “Hey, Rora!” Fliss called, “How’d it go with Princess Corny?” I giggled and released Cindy’s grip. “Fine thanks. As you can see, I got Cindy’s Flying Kit back, that little madam took it from her locker!” “Oh, I can’t thank you enough!” Exclaimed Cindy, excitedly. “Well, at least now you’ll have the chance in Flight class. Come on, let’s go.” I told her, as the group of us walked toward the gym. We got to the gym and got changed into our Flying clothes (bright red smock with black leggings and, of course, wings!) I hooked a pair of patched grey second-hand wings from the Cast-Offs box in the cloakroom onto my back and tied by golden waves back with a ribbon. Then, once all of us were ready, we made our way out to the back field. We stopped and gasped at the sight in front of us. It was a magical obstacle course. There were several wooden climbing frames with old tyres suspended from the centre in a row, a large gym hall beam seven foot from the ground; and worst of all, the swimming pool used by the Merry Flippers Club (the members are all mer-kids) had been dyed an interesting green colour and every so often jets of water shot vertically out of it. “Brilliant!” I groaned, and Flora tutted. She thought I was serious. “Now, ladies,” Explained Mr Dragonsbaine, striding over from the gym store carrying a handful of different coloured batons. “The objective of today’s lesson is to complete the obstacle course and collect the baton from the pool at the end.” “Question, Mr Dragonsbaine?” Cornetia, who unfortunately is a member of our Flight class, raised her hand. Mr Dragonsbaine nodded at her. “Wouldn’t that require us diving into the gunge-filled pool?” “Yes, Cornetia, it would. And you will. That is the task for today.” There were squeals of fear at this. None of the girls in our class like gunge, but the boys, Charmin, Sampson and Philip seemed confident. “You have to be well fit to do this course!” Boasted Philip, throwing on his armour and adjusting his dragon-like wings. “Well, if you are so confident, Mr Samson, then you can go first.” “I doubt if he knows where the start is!” I hissed to Fauna, who giggled. “Ah, Miss Beaumont, you can join Mr Samson!” I opened my mouth to protest although I knew that Mr Dragonsbaine wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Fliss pinched Philip’s mate Charmin as he tried to unhook Flora’s wings. He decided not to try again, either. “Well, Miss Beaumont, we are waiting. Come on!” I picked my way through the crowd to the front, where Philip met me. “Right, on my whistle, begin the course!” Ordered Mr Dragonsbaine, holding up his hand. “3…2…1!” He blew the whistle and we took off. The first lurch into the air is always difficult, and it does make you feel sick, but I was more concerned about Philip and his pompousness. I glided straight through the tyres and dodged the poles with superb grace. Philip seemed determined to beat me. I could hear chants of ‘Go Philip! Go Philip! Go Philip!’ from the crowd behind, and Fauna was jumping up and down waving her scarf in the air. I was so focused on what was going on behind me that I didn’t see the wall and crashed straight into it, my body leaving an imprint. “Oh fiddlesticks!” I grumbled in much more colourful language (too rude to repeat) and fell smack onto a safety mat. The next thing I knew, Philip was standing over me, willing me to wake up. I blinked a couple of times and stared at him straight in his eyes. I’d never noticed just how handsome their colour was. They were the deep blue of oceans, sparkling inside their sockets. “Aurora, you OK?” He asked me. I nodded, and sat up. He took my arm tenderly and helped me to my feet. I didn’t know what to do. Were my wings damaged? Then I felt a prickle on my arm and realised that I’d landed on a thorn. Oops! Quick as lightning, Phil (as I called him) took hold of my arm and pinched the skin. He rubbed the wound with his left hand and as he pulled away, I saw that the skin was completely healed! The boy is a genius! LATER; Well, Flora and Cornetia are so jealous, but come on, he only did what anyone would have done in that situation, so I’m not really that bothered. Fauna had to unhook my wings and throw them away, much to Mr Dragonsbaine’s disappointment. Then Fauna pestered me to go with her to the school nurse to make sure I was totally woundless, but I refused. It was the wrong decision, as Cornetia and her gang caught me by the classroom, and Cornetia threatened to tell Mallory about my accident, making it easier for Mallory to kill me. “So, Rora, how about I tell my Aunt that you don’t fly well, and then I can get you off my back as soon as possible.” My fists clenched. I wanted to tell Cornetia exactly what I thought of her, but I knew that Mallory would be prepared to do anything to kill me, so I didn’t. I turned my back on her and walked off to the cloakroom, where Flora, Fauna, and Felicia were waiting. “You went after Cornetia, didn’t you?” Scolded Flora, with the air of a mother telling off a child. “Yes, I did.” Flora tutted. “We’re meant to protect you, you know!” “I know, and I’m really sorry, Flora, but Cornetia just makes me so angry.” “Don’t rise to her bait.” Fauna cut in, taking her pet rabbit out of her bag and stroking it lovingly. “That’s easy for you to say…” “Rora!” Flora took me by the shoulders and shook me hard. “I’m warning you now. Just think what Mallory could do to you! It’s all very well Felicia’s mother trying to prevent the curse by only making you sleep, but think of yourself. You don’t really want to be asleep for a hundred years when Mallory tries to kill you, do you?” I shook my head. Has anyone given thought as to how I might look in a hundred years? “Flora, you know your mum? You know her gift? Well, does it cover my whole life, or will my beauty die with me?” “I don’t know, Rora, and that’s irrelevant, anyhow.” “I don’t think it is. Who on earth is going to save me when I die, or when Mallory attempts to kill me?” “We don’t know, Rora." Flora answered. "Fliss' mum is trying hard to find out just what will happen, because she's the only one who didn't give you agift before Mallory subjected you to the curse. I don't think anyone knows the real truth behind it all. Anyway, Snowy's been panicking again because she thinks that she might be getting a new stepmother, who she hates, and she keeps having panic attacks. Fauna's been trying to calm her down for the past half an hour, she only came to meet you in the cloakroom because she wanted to pick up Tiffy." (Tiffy is Fauna's rabbit) "Tiffy! That's what Fauna's called the poor rabbit?" I exclaimed in horror, but then it occurred to me that Fauna is the only person who would name their rabbit Tiffy or something equally pathetic! "Rora! Listen to me. Come to my house after school and I'll ask my mum to tell you everything she knows. Your mum works with my mum, so it should be OK to share the secret stuff with you. I could ask Fauna to get her mum..." "No thanks, Flora. Fauna's mum is ok when she doesn't smell of magical creatures and the like, but to ask her a simple question is like asking a unicorn to twist the horn on it's head. It just doesn't work." "Fine. But Snowy's coming back with us. Her possible stepmother sounds really evil. She's called Manzana." Manzana! Mallory's sister! Cornetia's other aunt! "Manzana! Flora! That's Princess Corny's other aunt! Her name means Apple in English. Perhaps that's why Snowy's being so careful with what fruit she's eating." "You think Manzana would try to poison Snowy?" "I think it's possible. Anyone who Cornetia hates, Mallory and Manzana hate. That means that Snowy could be in danger." "Don't be so fanciful, Aurora Beaumont." Flora scolded me in her motherly manner, "I'm sure Snowy can take care of herself. That reminds me, what were you doing with Philip?" "He was helping me out of a little predicament. I crashed into the wall in Flight class. You must have seen me." "No, I didn't. I was behind you, waiting for Mr Dragonsbaine's cue. Still, you didn't waste any time. I think he likes you." "Who, Mr Dragonsbaine?" I asked, pulling a face. "No, Philip." My heart started hammering. Was it possible? "Rora! RORA! Come out of the dreamworld. The bell's just gone. Are you coming?" "Sure." I told her, grabbing my bag from the hook. Snowy and Cindy joined us at Flora's house, which is very much like Flora and her mother; pretty, smart and organised. Everything in the house is covered in frills. Flora's bedroom is at the top of the house. It's pink and white, with rose-coloured curtains and a flowery duvet covering the bed. I threw my bag down onto the laminate flooring and jumped back onto the bed. Snowy perched on the edge of Flora's pink gingham sofa, looking subdued and anxious. Cindy suggested rather shyly that we listen to some music whilst Flora got us some drinks, so I put on 'Once Upon A...Time' by the Dreamclouds. Cindy and I hummed along to the music whilst Snowy sat staring into space. I knew that it must be difficult for her, what with her mother dying and her father suddenly marrying again. Flora returned with the drinks, and we each took a glass full of Flora's mum's famous 'Beautifying Cordial', waiting for Flora to speak. "Well," Began Flora suddenly, "we're here because a: Snowy needs some time to talk with me, and b: because Rora wants to know more about her curse." "You're under a curse?" Cindy spluttered, spilling half her drink. "Didn't you know, Cindy?" Asked Flora, casually wiping up the mess with a tissue. "No, you weren't really meant to know. Don't worry, I'm not a monster or anything, I'm just...going to die." "When?" Cindy continued. "When Mallory Blackthorn tries to kill me. Flora, your mum told you ages ago, didn't she?" Flora nodded guiltily. "I know it's difficult for you, Rora, and I regret to say that my mum has refused to tell me or you any more of the curse. Now, I think we should concentrate on Snowy." This was a blow to me. I really wanted to know about the curse. How Mallory would try to kill me, and what ways I could prevent it. Snowy didn't commandeer the attention intentionally, but I was still annoyed at her because I'd really wanted to talk to Flora in private after what she'd said about Philip. I WASN'T FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM! There, I hope you liked it. Please! Please! Please! Leave me a comment on how to improve. I'd be very grateful. Oh how we writers suffer for our art! :lol: :lol: :lol:

*lilmisswritergal*

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Tue Feb 12, 2008 8:22 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Tue Feb 12, 2008 8:22 pm

Hi everyone, if you just check from where the last sentence left off, I have added some more. Please review and don't forget to SMILE! It just makes me feel much happier after a long and boring day...

*lilmisswritergal* who owns the story

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Sat Feb 16, 2008 2:36 pm

StellaThomas says... · Sat Feb 16, 2008 2:36 pm

I love the symbolism in the bit you just added, of him willing her to wake up...

Very nice way of setting the scene and developing the characters.

"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010

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Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:12 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:12 pm

Thanks very much, I thought it might be better than just letting her wake up on her own. This is the first real link to the fairytale, as Mallory the villainess of teh piece is to come next. Any ideas?

Holly

[i]How we writers suffer for our art-a bump on the head and a mug full of hot chocolate...

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Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:52 pm

Pickle810 says... · Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:52 pm

There were a couple grammar mistakes, and stuff like that, but I loved the parody and backstory log. The setting was well worked out, with no gaps to leave you wondering! : )

I was wondering, though, if you could have written it in slightly different format, because the voice seems awkward, like a diary partly in present and partly in past tense. I think it might've worked out slightly better to have it in third person or as looking back on that day from the future.

me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?

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Sun Feb 17, 2008 12:07 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Sun Feb 17, 2008 12:07 pm

Ok, thanks pickle. I'm not very good at writing in first person cos I get confused. I usually write in the third person, so I think I'll have 'Rora' writing it in the present.
Thank you for spotting that.
*lilmisswritergal*

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Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:20 pm

Pickle810 says... · Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:20 pm

I wanted to add that those old Roman/Latin names added a great mood to the piece, making the Realm it's set in fit together great! Thanks for writing such a fun to read piece! ^_^

me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?

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Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:56 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:56 pm

Hi Everyone! I have added a new paragraph or two if you want to read it!

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:01 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:01 pm

Thank you so much to everyone who's commented or reviewed so far! However I NEED MORE REVIEWS! MORE COMMENTS! ANYTHING! The BIG chapter is coming next so I need ideas and any possible encouragement. The chapter will see Rora finally meeting the woman who has made her the way that she is, MALLORY! Da da daaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good

[i]How we writers suffer for our art-a bump on the head, and a mug full of hot chocolate....

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:10 pm

Teague says... · Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:10 pm

Can you do me a favour, darling? Put a blank line between each of your paragraphs. Your formatting right now is kinda painful on the eyes. X_X

And remember, every time someone who wasn't speaking before starts speaking (does that make sense?) it's a new paragraph.

Let me know when you've fixed your formatting and I'll come back and give this a proper critique!

I wouldn't complain, but my eyes are kind of sensitive and it's annoying to read things that are all blocked together for me. Sorry about that. Heh.

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:

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"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:14 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:14 pm

Hi Saint Razorblade. First of all, what a cool name!

I have now changed the formatting after your complaint (and many others too) and hopefully this should clear up matters. PLEASE give me a proper critique, as I would be very grateful to receive some attention for my work. I hope that doesn't sound too corny. Still, I hope you enjoy the edited version, and WRITE ME A REVIEW or POST a COMMENT! Otherwise I shall go crazy! :elephant:

anyway, gotta go now, see you later :smt006

and THANKS!

*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good (look @ avatar)

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:01 pm

Pickle810 says... · Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:01 pm

everyone's already said what there is to say about the edit, but I'll put my bit in anyway!
Love Aurora, she's not the typical boring princess who requires rescuing, and kudos (is that a word?) with the characters. They feel real!
And I love the extra stuff you've put in! Yeah, that's it!

me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?

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Mon Feb 25, 2008 6:10 pm

*lilmisswritergal* says... · Mon Feb 25, 2008 6:10 pm

Thank you everyone, particularly Pickle 810 and Stella Thomas who have continued to comment and review the story. I'm really enjoying writing the next chapter, if you want to see it, you can find it under Sleeping Beauty-A Twist in the Tale...chapter three. I wanted to write something different, something magical and enchanting. I think I've achieved thus so far. Of course, I have taken everyone's comments on board and made changes to the novel, but I feel that Aurora is becoming totally different to what she started out as. Does anyone else feel the same? Also, the idea of having three fairies seems like a fairy version of Charlie's Angels, they're independent, cool and smart. In some ways, I think I did base my three fairies on them, but now they're coming into their own, I can't stop them. You'll notice that several references in the third chapter are made to the original format of the fairytales, I hope you enjoy this new twist. Sorry, I do tend to go on...

*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good

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bkwrm

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Points 890

Reviews 78

Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:11 pm

bkwrm says... · Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:11 pm

I like your style. It's very chatty and informal, which helps to engage your reader. The story's good, but I'm afraid that you've made a few mistakes.

Felicia, or Fliss as we call her, is greatly fond of sports, and has a hunk of a boyfriend in the shape of the Flight class leader. He’s young, fit and the most startling blue eyes.

‘is very fond of sports’ and ‘He’s young, fit and has the most startling blue eyes.’

Mallory stomped in (probably after several glasses of Whitewash Wine, and tipped some powder into my baby’s bottle.

You’ve missed out a bracket. Take away the comma and put the other bracket in its place, or take out the first bracket and add in an extra comma.

Mallory would probably try and kill me before I was sixteen

Before this, you don’t actually say what the curse is. Your reader just has to assume that Aurora will die when she’s sixteen. You need to actually spell out what the curse is to make it clear to your reader.

She is such a snob, even though Mallory’s very successful, Cornetia gets most of her money spent on her!

This sentence is a little strange – why is it even though Mallory’s successful? Maybe you could say something like She is such a snob because Mallory’s very successful and spends most of her money on Cornetia.

Ellacinda (Ellachinda)

I don’t really understand the need for the bracketed name. Is it an alternative or a pronunciation guide? Make it clear.

Everyone picks on Ellacinda, (known as Cindy at school,) she’s not stupid, as you might think, but she’s very very clever.

Why would we think that Cindy’s stupid? If it’s because she gets picked on then we wouldn’t. After all, it’s fairly common for smart people to get bullied.
Also this sentence is really the wrong place to introduce her nickname. That should have been done when Cindy was first introduced to the reader.

Mum says it’s just an excuse not to work, but what’s the point if I’m just going to die in a year?
Mum shut up after that.

You’ve got your tenses mixed up a little here. If the mother says it then it’s present – implying that it’s what her mum says all the time. However, the second sentence implies that it was just the one conversation. Here’s my solution; Mum said that I’m just using it as an excuse not to work, but I told her that I don’t see the point in working when I’m just going to die in a year anyway. Mum shut up after that.

I keep rambling and its silly.

it’s not its

Cindy can’t help being completely pathetic, it’s her character and I must learn to live with it.

This line seems a little off. Usually people refer to nature instead of character – maybe that’s it? Just fiddle around with it anyway.

For some reason, Snowy has just come to join us, but refused to take some of Flora’s apple when Flora offered it to her.

When you put it like this it seems as if you’re making a big thing out of nothing – refusing to eat an apple isn’t so strange, unless you normally would. If that’s the case make it clear. Also, is it normal for Snowy to sit with Aurora and co? I can’t really tell if you’re saying that it’s strange that she’s sitting with you or just that she’s not eating the apple.

I had to agree with her.

About what?

“Hey, calm down, Flora.” Interrupts Fauna, soothingly.
No one can calm anyone down like Fauna, she’s always so tidy and generous, I can’t even imagine her angry.

That’s it? All she has to say is ‘calm down’? That doesn’t really take much skill. And what has being tidy got to do with calming people down?

You’ve also made a grammatical mistake. It should read “Hey, calm down, Flora,” interrupts Fauna, soothingly.

They won’t get very far.

I think it should be ‘They don’t get very far.’

‘princess’s

You obviously have a problem with apostrophes here. Try italicising it and just putting in the required apostrophe.

I’d rather have them that have your company, with the ragfairies!

I’d rather have them than have your company, with the ragfairies!

“Like you’d really tell Mrs Elixaber.” Jeered Flavia.

“Like you’d really tell Mrs Elixaber,” jeered Flavia.

She howled and sobbed and clutched at her bloody nose, I had somehow managed to make it bleed.

Split this into two sentences and cut out the word bloody.

“Oh thank you! Thank you!” She cried, throwing her arms around me.

“Oh thank you! Thank you!” she cried, throwing her arms around me.

tied by golden waves back with a ribbon.

tied my golden waves back with a ribbon.

“Oh, I can’t thank you enough!” Exclaimed Cindy, excitedly.

“Oh, I can’t thank you enough!” exclaimed Cindy, excitedly.

a large gym hall beam seven foot from the ground; and worst of all, the swimming pool

There’s no need for the semi colon.

“You have to be well fit to do this course!” Boasted Philip

“You have to be well fit to do this course!” boasted Philip

It’s not really boasting – he should say something along the lines of ‘like me’ to qualify it as boasting.

Fliss pinched Philip’s mate Charmin as he tried to unhook Flora’s wings. He decided not to try again, either.

As far as I can see this is completely inessential. What’s the point in saying this?

Phil (as I called him)

No she doesn’t. Why should she start calling him Phil now? He hasn’t asked her to and she hasn’t done so before.

I

wanted to tell Cornetia exactly what I thought of her, but I knew that Mallory would be prepared to do anything to kill me, so I didn’t.

She had no such qualms earlier. Yes, she has just revealed a weakness, but from what I’ve seen of Cornetia’s character she’s the kind who’d tell her aunt even if Aurora didn’t insult her.

“You went after Cornetia, didn’t you?” Scolded Flora, with the air of a mother telling off a child.
“Yes, I did.”

“You went after Cornetia, didn’t you?” scolded Flora, with the air of a mother telling off a child.

She didn’t go after Cornetia – Cornetia cornered her. Or at least that’s what the reader has been told.

Has anyone given thought as to how I might look in a hundred years?

Has anyone given any thought as to how I might look in a hundred years?

(Tiffy is Fauna's rabbit)

There’s no need to tell us this, because Aurora goes on to say so.

"Don't be so fanciful, Aurora Beaumont." Flora scolded me

"Don't be so fanciful, Aurora Beaumont," Flora scolded me

"Well," Began Flora

"Well," began Flora

I was still annoyed at her

I was still annoyed with her

I know I've noticed a load of bad stuff, but really this is a great story. Keep writing,
Bkwrm

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Absynthe

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Points 890

Reviews 32

Thu Mar 20, 2008 12:25 am

Absynthe says... · Thu Mar 20, 2008 12:25 am

Hey, i like you story but.... there are just a few things i dislike.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes,[/u] Cindy. Cindy works for our school magazine, the Sneaky Slipper, as our school is the Ruby Wonder Academy. Fliss, Fauna, Flora and I only belong to the Drama club, and we’ve tried to persuade Cindy to come with us, but she doesn’t like acting, so we gave up.

OK so you say Anyway where was i? oh, yes a whole bunch of times. try to stop saying that, and if you do need to use it, especially more than once, that's a bad sign. its a sign that your straying off the subject.

I'm finding myself getting confused by all of these different names that all sound the same: fliss, flora, Cindy who's name is actually......, grumpy, angry, sleepy.

this whole thing felt like reading a chapter of some girls diary. So, try to write it as if your the persons thoughts, here's my best example:

'We all really didn't want to join anything but drama. But Cindy was in the school newspaper, and we really wanted her to join drama. But she's really stubborn and we couldn't get her to join.'

And if you really want it to sound more realistic:

'"Please Cindy, we really miss you!" Flora begged, giving her big puppy eyes.

"No! For the last time, i don't like acting." Cindy replied curtly.

"C'omon it'll be fun." Fliss insisted

"You will really like it, the teacher is nice, we have cool.." i said but Cindy cut me off with a glare.

"pleeeeaaassse." Fauna whined tugging at Cindy's shirt.

"For the last time NO." Cindy said and turned on her heel to stomp down the hallway.

wow, she is stubborn! i thought bitterly.

see, isn't that better???

Cindy works for our school magazine, the Sneaky Slipper, as our school is the Ruby Wonder Academy

OK don't take this personally, but fantasy just isn't your thing....What you wrote is a little bit like a cookie cutter fantasy. fantasy isn't always filled with pretty fairy's and fairy god mothers.

Randy says: dog.. this isn't you thing man, just isn't it.
Paula says: Well, it was cute little fantasy, but you just need to work on it and keep going.
Simon says: you sounded like some jabbering teenager who wont shut up, *crowd boos* i really don't like it.

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Memento Mori

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Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:36 am

Memento Mori says... · Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:36 am

Although a bit confusing at times, I think it's pretty good.

I'll read the next chapter if I find it.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people who piss you off. Outdo yourself. ^^

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