Unnamed

[pre]If you ask me my name, I will tell you I've none.
A name is but a title, albeit an achievement.
Unearned as of yet, but awaiting.
Resting silently atop a staired pedestal.

A name is but a title, albeit an achievement.
Once received, is it deserved?
Resting silently atop a staired pedestal.
I debate about the climb, doing battle with myself.

Once recieved, is it deserved?
It must be guarded with one's life.
I debate about the climb, doing battle with myself.
When the body is lost, the name shall remain.

It must be guarded with one's life.
Unearned as of yet, but awaiting.
When the body is lost, the name shall remain.
If you ask me for my name, I will tell you I have none.[/pre]

I really like this, but just a few things.

Clockworks wrote:If you ask me for my name, I will tell you I have none.

This line just seems to long. You might shorten a little bit, maybe "If you ask me my name, I'll tell you I have none."

Clockworks wrote:Once recieved, is it deserved?

1. You misspelled received
2. I would get rid of the comma

I would get rid of a lot of the periods at the ends of the lines, they're unncessary and in some cases make the next line not make sense. Especially:

Clockworks wrote:A name is but a title, albeit an achievement.
Unearned as of yet, but awaiting.

I think I would get rid of the comma after 'yet' as well.

You might also want to work on developing a specific rythm. Try reading it aloud, that always helps me. You may find lines that are too long and bog things down, or something that is too short and interrupts the flow, making it sound a bit choppy.

Again, I really like this. I like what it says, the ideas in it. It's mostly just little things that need work. The essence of it is good.


*adna*

Do you know what a Pantoum is Adna? It isn't supposed to flow from one sentence to the next, thus the periods are necessary. I will take one piece of your advice and shorten a line as well as correct the spelling of received.

I know what a pantoum is, and I recognize this as one. But using a particular repetitive format such as a pantoum or a vilanelle doesn't justify a lack of flow. Making each line a sentence is the basic, easy way to do this and doesn't give the poem a lot of sophistication.

It isn't supposed to flow from one sentence to the next, thus the periods are necessary.

Thus this assumption is incorrect. You'll be able to do a lot more with your poetry if you discard that. Don't let your poem revolve around its form!

Ideally your lines will form sentences, not be sentences in themselves. Good poets can give them different meanings each time they are repeated--they may form the beginning or the end of a sentence one time and be a sentence in themselves the next.

Here's an example. This is not a pantoum, but a villanelle, which also has repeated lines. This is a famous poem by Dylan Thomas. He doesn't even play around with the lines that much, but you can see pretty clearly how each repeated line takes on a different meaning. And see how the poem still flows and has a great rhythm?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night,

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night,

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Good luck.
-Colleen

Yes, I do know what a pantoum is, but as Cade already pointed out:

Cade wrote:Ideally your lines will form sentences, not be sentences in themselves.

*adna*

You played about with the title... Unnamed must have taken ages to think of lol

I really liked this poem, its pretty cool!

'If you ask me my name, I will tell you I've none.
A name is but a title, albeit an achievement.
Unearned as of yet, but awaiting.
Resting silently atop a staired pedestal.'

^ My favorite!

Also, I liked to repetition of Achievement, intentional or not, o well!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~