How

[pre]How?

I stroll throughout the halls in quest of your features
longing to suffer in your arms
that effortless glance sends pins along my life
why be so kind?


In no way did I do something to be worthy of you
did not a thing but view you
gaze at you from afar
You ought to think I’m strange

Not by far am I the fairest
I am the frailest
How can you feel affection for somebody like me?
I’m as dull as a ( need help with this last line)
[/pre]

"I walk threw the halls seeking your face" - should be "through". Too simple, a statement that does not grip or provide a question. Unless it is used later to convey a point it is essentially useless.

"Yearning to feel that warm embrace" - besides being cliche, this lacks depth. There is no room for the reader to bring ideas of their own to the poem, everything is simple fact.

"That simple look sends shivers down my spine" - again, cliche; "simple", "look", "sends" are all too bland. Investigate more complex words.

"I never did anything to deserve you" - your poem has fallen into the mold of a sentimental love story with lots of whining.

"I did nothing but observe you
Watch you from afar
You must think I’m bazaar" - very contrived rhyming. Do away with it if it does not flow easily. "bazaar" should be "bizarre".

"Not by far am I the fairest" - contradictory, this means she is the fairest which you clearly did not intend, as implied by "I am the frailest".

"How can you love someone like me?
I’m as dull as a tree" - contrived again, more whining.


Try not to lift phrases out of typical poems/nursery rhymes. Expand the depth of the poem to cause the reader to have to work for its definition, or leave the reader uncertain. Do not explain everything as it is, its boring. Forcing the rhyme ruins any poem, so I would abandon it until you are more confident. Its meaning is not original, or even particularly interesting. However, as a learning exercise, it should be quite effective.

Hi FITS--

Ofour hit on most of this, so I won't repeat his. But, I will add a few of my own!

1. Punctuation!! I am so fed up with reading poems with no punctuation, it is necessary! You have to punctuation in order for a flow to be established. Otherwise the entire poem is read in one breath and I can't hold my breath that long.
2. Show, don't tell. Similies, metaphors, diction, flow, style. All of these help with this.
3. Don't let the rhyme rule the poem. Really. If it interferes then don't rhyme!

Mostly I think maybe read more poetry, decide what you like about it, and then apply it to your own poetry.

Good luck in the future and Happy Editing with this one!

The whole point of this poem is a set up for the last two lines. And that makes me wonder why the rest of this poem is there. Free yourself from rhyming! It will only hinder you if this is the only way to express something.

The other thing is that there's nothing behind the words. It ends with "I'm as dull as a tree" and that's that. There's no commentary on what that could really mean. This results partially from careless word choice and partially from structured rhyme. Think about how many ways you can express what you're trying to say with one poem ^^

I like the way you think, the way you have good rhyming skills and the way you choose precise words to make the reader feel what you want to feel.

It made me want to read more and I think that you should have made it longer.
Really your good and with your type of charm, you can go really far.

Your new right? If you are, then think, you have a chance to become someone new and do what you really like, k?
I think you a have potential and with that you can go far.

Rethink about making the choice to rewrite it and make it longer, add more zip and a lot more passion to writing.

I believe in you, and I know this may sound like a load of crap but it's true, I'm sure a lot of people have told you already.
shanan-cat!

Thanks yea i do need to rewrite this