Stupid

Stupid people
Stupid places
Stupid feelings
Stupid face

Everyone's stupid
Everyone's fake
Everyone's phony

You are

Retarded
Psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic

How come

I want be so close

To someone

who is

Retarded
Psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic

Psycho
Scary
Stupid

Everyone's stupid
Everyone's fake
Everyone's phony

You are
So stupid
I hate
that I want to be where you are

Maybe

We are all
Stupid
Psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic

These are

Stupid people
Stupid places
stupid feelings
stupid faces

I'd cut the repetition as it really doesn't add to this. I'd suggest using punctuation. And I'd kindly ask you not to use the word 'retarded' in your poetry.

You have the emotion, which is a good starting point, but I'd recommend showing rather than telling. Use imagery and create pictures to shoe the reader what you mean. For instance, maybe tell the story of why the speaker likes this person, and what he/she does to make her/him so angry. I'd also recommend reading poetry, as it will really help you.

This doesn't really strike me as lyrics.

"Stupid" and "retarded" are not the same thing as you are using them here. However, they are also not words you really want to use in lyrics in this context.

Also, "stupid face" sounds like what a five year old calls his four year old brother.

The repetition is also not really condusive to lyrics. There are more sections in actual lyrics that are completely different then there are sections that are the same.

and...whats the point to this?

Happy editing!

I didn't like this, but I think if you would have put more thought to it, it would have been good.

You should move this to other poetry.

Adios!!!!!

Lol. I don't think it was supposed to be as funny as I found it, but the first time reading it through I laughed.

I will agree that although personally I don't mind some of the context, you do have to remember that a lot of people would get insulted when you use words like 'retarded', 'stupid', or even refering to Everybody as 'fake' and 'phony'.

I also agree that you should keep the emotion and inspiration, but try finding a different style of writing. Poems / lyrics usually make people feel or think, this does neither.

Better luck next time hey.

And welcome to YWS!

Hey I have some critiquing to do here. So lets get to it shall we. First of all I don't like the repition that is going on here Next stupid and retarded is the same thing like they said up there. Use some different words than stupid or retarded. I like the word moronic. That was well done!!

Just change the words and add punctionuation and you will be fine.

TTYL Gothgirl01

The only thing I like here was "psychotic and mortifyingly moronic". XD That was hilarious.

Other than that...

It wasn't very good.

Your repetitions were...annoying. The rhythm was terrible. And overall it was short and you said the same things over and over again.

I didn't really find it insulting, but many people would.

And

All

The

Spaces

When

You

Talked

Like

This

Were

Irritating!!!!


And there's nothing here but words. All I see is you calling this person an idiot over and over again.

We don't even know who it is!! We don't really know your feeling, and why you feel that way because of the other persons actions.

Seriously, there's nothing here. It may have a bit of potential, but this just wasn't it.

I don't know about the lyrics thing. Maybe try other poetry, because I just can't see this as a song.

I'm sorry that you had to be welcomed to the YWS by me, because I'm pretty harsh. And not just about grammar.

Still, keep writing!!! I think that you can come up with some great stuff if you work with it.

Teh Wozzinator

I really don't see this as much of anything at all. Rather than being crafted verse, it seems that you were angry with some person or some people and then crammed a bunch of words together, throwing in a few weak literary devices to pass off your rage as something poetic. Your words lack subtlety: you can't just come out use the word stupid and retarded. It uses the words incorrectly and is low-grade. I apologize, but you have a long walk ahead of you if this is truly the extent of your skill.

This is fine for lyrics as long as the music is as violent as the words. I like my songs to rhyme, but this is fine. It's okay to repeat words in a song, which seems to be news to some people here.

What's up with all the repetition? If cut that out and add actual content, It would be a whole lot better!
How can this be a song?
Stop relying on repeating. It seems your doing it for emphasis, but it's not working in this case...

The
thing
with this lyrics
is as others
mentioned above:
it's
pointlessly
stupid.

Including
the spaces, and the
idea, and the
telling
not showing.

However, your rhyming
was truly
hilarious.

I read everyone's comments and I'd like to agree with them.

You're just repeatedly calling someone stupid, and the spaces are really bugging me. The beat I imagined is quite catchy, though.

But if this helps, I'll change the lyrics a bit.

Stupid people
Stupid places
Stupid feelings
Stupid face

Everyone is stupid
They are fake
And they are phony
And I hope you are aware
If there's a stupid one out there
I'd say it's you
No one but you
Everybody says it's true

You are retarded
And psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic
How come I want be close
To someone I'd never choose
To be wiiiiith

Cuz you're Retarded
And Psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic
You're a Psycho
And you're Scary
And have I mentioned that you're Stupid

Everyone is stupid
They are fake
And they are phony
And I hope you are aware
If there's a stupid one out there
I'd say it's you
No one but you
Everybody says it's true

I am wond'ring
Why I wanna be
Excactly where you are
Cuz you're stupid
And you're ugly
And to keep the story short
It's you who I wanna court (in background: what the--?!)

Because I'm Stupid
And Psychotic
Mortifyingly moronic
I'm like you
I am a freak
Show me a baby
It will shreik

Stupid people
Stupid places
stupid feelings
stupid faces



Yes, I at least tried to kick some sense into it. And I got tired of typing it. Seriously, what's the point?

While I thank everyone for commenting and the critique, I have to say I'm confused. I've recieved come very contradictory posts, including "You have too much emotion" and "You don't have enough emotion." So I give a hearty "BRAVO" to Queen of Doodles, who was the only one who gave constructive criticism, as opposed to "retarded is offensive, your pain is funny to me, you have too much emotion."

Thanks for nothing, except for Queen of Doodles.

Much peace
-KK

im sorry but this is rubbisng.
Its nobody could sing this,

Could they?

im sorry but this is rubbisng.
Its nobody could sing this,

Could they?