In My Heart (Across the Universe)

I look out to the window out to the sea,
You and me
going across what the mind can see,
Over the moon I can touch the stars,
The feeling of your warmth isn't very far
We're different,
Polar opposites, in fact,
It kinda amazing to know,
in that big crowd I could notice you,
And you with me too,
It's like two trains crossing paths,
So I treasure this beautiful night,
Because the next day you got to take your fight,
Let's go across the universe,
where the sky is down,
and the sea is up
Where the trees grow wild
where the tallest skyscrapers stand
Running through our secret garden,
across the universe,
Looking over the rusty bridge,
where the stream goes down under,
I look at you,
your hair flying in the wind,
you smile at me
you take my hand,
and I take yours,
Trains crash,
and we kiss,
We go through the stars,
across the universe,
you hold me like a jewel,
pretty as can be,

I wake up,
I'm in my bed,
Now you are gone,
Our trains passed,
And we'll meet again,
But I still see the bracelet on my wrist,
from the trip across the universe,
You're still in my heart

Please reply!!!

I liked your content, I thought most of your ideas were pretty original, but I have to say that in some ways it had a stream-of-consciousness, first-draft kind of feel to it.
Some of that could have to do with the confusion of punctuation. Your lines went on and on and this wrecked the flow. For example

We're different,
Polar opposites, in fact,
It kinda amazing to know,
in that big crowd I could notice you,
And you with me too,
It's like two trains crossing paths,
So I treasure this beautiful night,

Would be much better as:

We're different,
Polar opposites, in fact.
It kinda amazing to know
in that big crowd I could notice you,
And you with me too.
It's like two trains crossing paths.
So I treasure this beautiful night.

So far your lines need firming-up or they just sound rambling. Punctuation will help a lot with that.
I'd also suggest splitting the first stanza into at least 2 separate ones. You've got lots of ideas going on in there. Again, don't allow yourself to ramble. Pick out the ideas and surround them with space.

Poems really aren't my thing, but I will do what I can:

I agree with Liz about making the lines stronger. Simple grammar may fix this up, but some of them are unnecessary:

'But I still see the bracelet on my wrist,'

I am unsure about this, it is a bit redundant.

The ending was great, really strong, just add a full stop to make it firmer.

All said, I liked this poem. The rhythm is a bit flat, but add some more puncuation and I think this could really be improved.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

I look out to the window out to the sea,
You and me
going across what the mind can see,
Over the moon I can touch the stars,
The feeling of your warmth isn't very far

First, there needs to be a comma after window. Second, I don't believe that the triple rhyme at the beginning adds to the poem whatsoever and it's supposed to be "You and I" anyway.

Now about line 3 and 5, the rhymes sound really forced. Sure, in poetry you want to sound elegant and such but when it sounds like you spent 10 minutes thinking, "Hmm, what rhymes with starsl...", you know it doesn't work. I don't think 3 and 5 really make sense and in my opinion make the poem sound rather elementary.

Also, try and get some better vocabulary in there. "going" can be replaced with a much better word.

We're different,
Polar opposites, in fact,
It kinda amazing to know,
in that big crowd I could notice you,
And you with me too,

Be sure to make the punctuation fixes that were previously suggested to you but other than that, the only thing I that really sticks out to me here is "Kinda". "Kinda" is slang, the combination of "kind" and "of" and even then sounds blunt and abrupt. Perhaps replacing "kinda" with "rather" would make it flow better. And also, "it" should be "it is" or "it's".

It's like two trains crossing paths,
So I treasure this beautiful night,
Because the next day you got to take your fight,

Lovely figurative language, though the last line is confusing, unclear, and from what I can see doesn't have much to do with the theme of the poem.

Let's go across the universe,
where the sky is down,
and the sea is up
Where the trees grow wild
where the tallest skyscrapers stand
Running through our secret garden,
across the universe,

Oh my, this makes me wish I had written this. I love most everything about this part of the poem. I would only suggest switching "where the sky is up" and "where the sky is down" so that the sky one comes last. Be sure to fix your punctuation!

Looking over the rusty bridge,
where the stream goes down under,
I look at you,
your hair flying in the wind,
you smile at me
you take my hand,
and I take yours,
Trains crash,
and we kiss,

No complaints, a little cliche, but it works.

We go through the stars,
across the universe,
you hold me like a jewel,
pretty as can be,

You can use better vocabulary than "go". What about "We soar through the stars" or "We fly through the stars". Use a stronger verb.

I wake up,
I'm in my bed,
Now you are gone,
Our trains passed,
And we'll meet again,
But I still see the bracelet on my wrist,
from the trip across the universe,
You're still in my heart

A little bit confused about the whole bracelet thing, but it's cool. Strangley, I find that I like the ending line, it really ties up the whole poem nicely.

And I really suggest seperating it into stanzas. Other than that, you're on a great start, but I think this is more like a rough draft of your work.

Here's the revised version:

I look out to the window out to the sea.
You and me
going across what the mind can see,
over the moon I can touch the stars,
and the feeling of your warmth isn't very far.

We're different,
polar opposites, in fact.
It’s rather amazing to know
in that big crowd I could notice you,
and you with me too.
It's like two trains crossing paths.
So I treasure this beautiful night,
because the next day you got to take your flight.

Let's go across the universe,
where the sea is up,
and the sky is down.
Where the trees grow wild,
where the tallest skyscrapers stand.
Running through our secret garden,
across the universe.

Looking over the rusty bridge,
where the stream goes down under.
I look at you,
your hair flying in the wind.
You smile at me.
You take my hand,
and I take yours,
Leaving a stunning bracelet on my wrist
Trains crash,
and we kiss.

We go through the stars,
across the universe.
You hold me like a jewel,
pretty as can be.

I wake up,
I'm in my bed,
Now you are gone,
Our trains passed,
And we'll meet again,
But I still see the bracelet on my wrist,
from the trip across the universe,
You're still in my heart.

I like the edited version much more. It has much stronger lines and the message comes across much clearer for it. Great move with dividing it up into smaller stanzas. You bring the whole poem together better.

Really nice job. I loved the rhythm to the poem. I'm not much of a poetry critic, so I won't say anything more, but I really liked this.

Great, great work. You have talent. Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Great job! I loved your poem, although i think the re-write is much better. I notice you've been on for a while, but you haven't written anything new, and you should!
It seems lke your poetry's got a lot of potential, whatever that's supposed to mean. teachers are always rambling about potential and how we don't use it. But I think you've used some of yours ^_^