Hell's Battlefield (formerly War: a Poem)

Okay, I edited this, renamed it, and made it more about the characters thoughts towards war, instead of just random things about this battle. I've also made it a lot longer. So you can comment again, if you already have, and please tell me if the original was actually better! Oh, and I'll also post the original version down below.

Hell’s Battlefield (edited version of “War: the Poem)

Metal to metal,
Fire to fire,
The description of war,
Which never will tire.

In the midst of a battle,
I knelt alone.
I felt a comrade’s hand…
‘Twas cold as ice; stiff as stone.

I turned, and from atop this ridge, watched the battle rage.
My heart was torn with pain
As I saw the blanket of blood that covered the field.
I knew that always here, death would reign.

I stood, but felt my armor pull me back down.
Reluctantly I followed, too tired to go on.
When I was young, a soldier was my dream
But after two years of war, I was ready to be done.

I hadn’t slept in three days,
And I knew I might never again.
For already I was being chased
By hounds of the Grim.

For never, in war, was anyone safe.
Everywhere there was fear.
Surrounding all were the evil blades
Of sword, arrow and spear.

Every man’s face was covered
In dirt, blood and sweat,
A constant reminder of the pain
He would remember and regret.

I watched as a blade pierced another man’s armor,
A pool of red on his chest… and to the ground he fell.
Another casualty,
Of a war that is Hell.

What use is this war to us?
We kill to gain, no matter what the cost.
We gain some things, but only a very few…
And the lives of many are lost.

As I looked back down at my fallen comrade,
I thought, It will never change,
Always, this is the way war will be,
A terror-stricken carnival of death and of pain.

Hi Woz!

The first thing I noticed was your rhyming scheme, and overall, I think it kind of weakened the impact of the poem. The rhymes are too far apart to do much for the poem, and thus detracted. And, in addition to that, the rhymes seem a bit forced, and even a little inconsistent? Yes, you definitely need to work on the rhyming aspect.

In the midst of a war,
I knelt alone,
And felt a friend warrior’s hand…
‘Twas cold as ice,
And as stiff as stone.

My first comment on this stanza: Ditch the first two commas. It will make it seem smoother. Again, the rhyming is a bit weird, and still the wording is strange, too. By "war". I think you meant "battle", or "battlefield"? Also, "friend warrior." I would suggest getting rid of that and using "comrade" instead.


From atop a ridge,
I watched the battle rage,
Nothing good was there,
Death always would reign.

I like this stanza a lot, for some reason. Hm. Nehoo, the rhyming drops out again. Maybe you should try free-verse? But consistency is always a good thing. Again, lose some of the commas. The rule of natural grammar dictates that when you would stop to breathe, place a comma or period. XD

Something else, you jump around in places, if you know what I mean. One stanza you're kneeling by a fallen comrade, the next you're watching the feud from afar. Maybe an entire scene would be more powerful? Something to consider, at any rate.


Everywhere there was fear,
Never was anyone safe,
From the evil blades
Of sword, arrow and spear.

Dump the first comma. XD
Yeah, this one is kind of funky. I think you should just ditch it, because it doesn't really do anything for the rest of the poem.



Every man’s face was covered
In dirt, blood and sweat,
A constant reminder of the pain
He would come to regret.

Some people actually urinate when they die. You might want to include that to bolster the whole dirty impression of war you're giving. Anyway, the only thing I have to say about this is to add another word to the last line, maybe something like "He would always remember and regret."


Metal to metal,
Fire to fire,
The description of war,
Which never will tire.

Ditch this.


I watched as a blade
Pierced another man’s armor,
And to the ground he fell.
Another casualty,
Of a war that is Hell.

Mmmm, this is not good. You've got this four-line stanza system all nicely set up and then you spring a five-liner on the reader. Consistency, my man, consistency!
And even then this isn't that great of a line. Not powerful, moving, or anything: Because you're telling and not showing.


As I looked back down at my fallen comrade,
I thought, It will never change,
Always, war will be this way,
A terror-stricken carnival of death and pain.

Er, yes, you're doing the jumpy thing again. I think you should try one scene and build off of that, instead of lurching about to random times. CONSISTENCY VIGILANCE!
Other than that, I have no comment on this part.

Lots of work ahead for you, Woz! Hop to it!

And I'll get around to the Chocolate thing eventually... >.>"

Haha. XD
~sumi

Hello (two) Woz!

I don't know about anyone else, but I really bloody loved this poem. And I only say bloody when I get really excited about something creative so you're on a win already. The rhyming scheme isnt fantastic, but the imagery and gut wrenching feel of the enitre thing is just superb. Well done you, and PM me when you write some more stuff, please!

Eimearxx

Sumi H. Inkblot wrote:Hi Woz!

The first thing I noticed was your rhyming scheme, and overall, I think it kind of weakened the impact of the poem. The rhymes are too far apart to do much for the poem, and thus detracted. And, in addition to that, the rhymes seem a bit forced, and even a little inconsistent? Yes, you definitely need to work on the rhyming aspect. I know, I had trouble deciding with the rhyming, but I'm not that good at making a poem flow unless it rhymes.

In the midst of a war,
I knelt alone,
And felt a friend warrior’s hand…
‘Twas cold as ice,
And as stiff as stone.

My first comment on this stanza: Ditch the first two commas. It will make it seem smoother. Again, the rhyming is a bit weird, and still the wording is strange, too. By "war". I think you meant "battle", or "battlefield"? Also, "friend warrior." I would suggest getting rid of that and using "comrade" instead. Actually, I can make the last two lines one line, which would make this a four liner. I was thinking about saying "comrade", but I didn't know if it'd sound bad since I say it in the last paragraph. I was debating this, but if you agree, I'll do that. Oh, and I'll fix the commas. And I'll change it to battle instead of war.


From atop a ridge,
I watched the battle rage,
Nothing good was there,
Death always would reign.

I like this stanza a lot, for some reason. Hm. Nehoo, the rhyming drops out again. Maybe you should try free-verse? But consistency is always a good thing. Again, lose some of the commas. The rule of natural grammar dictates that when you would stop to breathe, place a comma or period. XD I liked this stanza too.... Free-verse? I dunno...I'm not any good at that.

Something else, you jump around in places, if you know what I mean. One stanza you're kneeling by a fallen comrade, the next you're watching the feud from afar. Maybe an entire scene would be more powerful? Something to consider, at any rate. He's on top of a ridge with another soldier, and he watches the battle from there....


Everywhere there was fear,
Never was anyone safe,
From the evil blades
Of sword, arrow and spear.

Dump the first comma. XD
Yeah, this one is kind of funky. I think you should just ditch it, because it doesn't really do anything for the rest of the poem. I know that this one was awkward. Actually, I'm trying to come up with a way to make the first line the second line so the rhyme will be like the others.



Every man’s face was covered
In dirt, blood and sweat,
A constant reminder of the pain
He would come to regret.

Some people actually urinate when they die. You might want to include that to bolster the whole dirty impression of war you're giving. Anyway, the only thing I have to say about this is to add another word to the last line, maybe something like "He would always remember and regret." No.... I don't think I'll do that. XD It'd be kind of hard to incorporate into here anyways. And I liked the flow of the last line....


Metal to metal,
Fire to fire,
The description of war,
Which never will tire.

Ditch this. Hmm. You think? Originally, this wasn't part of the poem, but I added it on there. I liked it... ah well.


I watched as a blade
Pierced another man’s armor,
And to the ground he fell.
Another casualty,
Of a war that is Hell.

Mmmm, this is not good. You've got this four-line stanza system all nicely set up and then you spring a five-liner on the reader. Consistency, my man, consistency!
And even then this isn't that great of a line. Not powerful, moving, or anything: Because you're telling and not showing. Argh. I liked this line too! Lol.... I'll combine the first two lines, maybe. And I'll see if I can show more.


As I looked back down at my fallen comrade,
I thought, It will never change,
Always, war will be this way,
A terror-stricken carnival of death and pain.

Er, yes, you're doing the jumpy thing again. I think you should try one scene and build off of that, instead of lurching about to random times. CONSISTENCY VIGILANCE!
Other than that, I have no comment on this part.

Lots of work ahead for you, Woz! Hop to it!

And I'll get around to the Chocolate thing eventually... >.>"

Haha. XD
~sumi

hmm. Well, this is my first poem, so I do need work.

Actually, I wrote another poem. I don't like it as much because I don't like the overall plot, but I think that it might be a little bit better.

Maybe.

Lol!

Teh Wozzinator

I'm glad that you addressed this subject from one person's point of view...too often poets are tempted to write about broad subjects, i.e. war and love, in abstract terms rather than looking at it from a unique perspective.

Still, I think you could get more specific. There are places like these:

It will never change,
Always, war will be this way,
A terror-stricken carnival of death and pain.

...where you get too much into the abstract and the inevitably cliche. You'd be best off sticking to this one speaker's thoughts and experiences. What does he see? Hear? Do? Feel? Your reader wants to see him have a different experience, a unique experience. Your speaker is a bit too generic for my tastes right now. He's the stereotypical unhappy-with-war soldier...what makes him special? I want to know more about his story.

I don't know if I'm a fan of the rhyme. I don't think it was pulled off so well--sounded a little forced in some places, didn't work out with the rhythm in others.

Also, regarding the use of archaic language. You'd be better off in this poem with "normal" or more modern speech.

-Colleen

So here's the original version of the poem:


War (temporary title): a Poem

In the midst of a war,
I knelt alone,
And felt a friend warrior’s hand…
‘Twas cold as ice,
And as stiff as stone.

From atop a ridge,
I watched the battle rage,
Nothing good was there,
Death always would reign.

Everywhere there was fear,
Never was anyone safe,
From the evil blades
Of sword, arrow and spear.

Every man’s face was covered
In dirt, blood and sweat,
A constant reminder of the pain
He would come to regret.

Metal to metal,
Fire to fire,
The description of war,
Which never will tire.

I watched as a blade
Pierced another man’s armor,
And to the ground he fell.
Another casualty,
Of a war that is Hell.

As I looked back down at my fallen comrade,
I thought, It will never change,
Always, war will be this way,
A terror-stricken carnival of death and pain.