sly as a fox

Johnny was then roughly tackled down by two or more thugs, who had shown up out of nowhere. Hitting his head on the floor, Johnny was knocked into unconsciousness, fading into the depths of a shadowy morning.

Johnny woke up with a screaming headache and a sharp pain in his left arm. He looked around to find he could see nothing but darkness. Figuring he was still at home in bed, he leaned over to find himself bound to a mattress. Struggling to get up, he would twist and turn with no success, then after what seemed like forever, he finally gave up.

Something caught his eye.

It was a shadowy figure, over towards the other side of the room. Even though the room was dark, he could still see shadows, thanks to the little bit of light coming from a very small window in the far croner of the room.

I'm sorry, but I'm not even going to bother with an in-depth critique for this. There are so many typos in just four short paragraphs - it gives me the impression that you spent all of five minutes writing it. You obviously didn't proofread, which you should.

Firstly, you need to capitalize Johnny's name, because it is a proper noun. Also, run this through spell-check. Or proofread - you'll probably be able to catch all your mistakes.


Secondly, what is this? The opening sentence didn't catch my attention, I'm sorry to say. Is it a chapter in a novella/novel? Flash-fiction? It doesn't really have an ending, and there is basically no substance. I, as the reader, don't feel anything for Johnny. You gave me no reason to care about him, and you didn't make me relate to him.

Anyways. I'll come back for a better crit once you've fixed the spelling mistakes and all. Sorry for the harshness, but this needs a lot of work.

Feel free to PM me with any questions or comments!

- Camille

Spell checker, spell checker!

Sorry :p You have three errors in your first two sentences. On YWS you can get some merciless critiques, and making simple spelling errors like these will instantly give the audiance the impression that you haven't worked hard enough to make it worthwhile reading.

For the first two paragraphs there is only one character, so you should be fine repeating 'he'. So long as it isn't repeated at the beginning of sentences or clauses, your reader won't care. Overusing character names can make your writing rather dull.

'Screaming headache', I like that description, it not only gives the impression of pain, but confusion as well.

In the second paragraph, you've started two consecutive sentences with verbs. This is never good. Maybe you could have a play around with your sentence structure, it adds great variety to your work.

'He would twist and turn', your use of 'would' implies that this is a regular thing, so perhaps that would be better changed to 'He twisted and turned'.

I would recommend sitting down and brain-storming this scene, see what ideas you can come up with before fitting them together. Also, come up with something interesting about these 'thugs'. I like your ideas, but your writing here lets you down a fair bit.

Better luck next time yeh. Let me know if you re-write it or post the next part.

ok i hoped that helped....oh ayra that was just a piece of it i havent finished posting all of it...i didnt have alot of time...but i hope that help..