Trail Mix

I wrote this in English class, surrounded by Ralph Waldo Emerson, Walt Whitman, and Emily Dickenson...


Trail Mix

1.
He complained of the mosquitoes,
Over ridges,
Under trees,
"Why hike," I wondered,
"If you can't see
the forest for the fleas?"

Number 2.
Number 3.
They have no direct connection to each other. Only a common theme.

I love its subtlety and delicacy.

I think enjambement would work better rather than the dash:

"If you can't see
The forest for the fleas?"

The entire piece seems symbolic, which I also like.

Well done. 8.5/10

Actually I quite like this. It's short (and the fact that I like that is incredibly odd) yet to the point.

I think, though that the last line should be reworded:

"If you can't see -
the forest for the fleas?"

I guess I'm not really getting what you are trying to say with these lines? Maybe something a little more direct would help it out.

Good luck!

I love it! Simple, elegant, packs a lot of meaning into the short space. It does remind me of Emily Dickinson.

Small suggestion - change "the fleas" to "its fleas" as this better suggests that the fleas are a natural part of the forest.

Fairly awesome, smorg! I'm a fan.
-Colleen

Nothing better than rolling around in Romantic Transcendentalism!

I really loved this. Real Dickinsonesque, with simple speech. Just like her, it hides behind "Oh, well, there are fleas..." but then after a while you see the true message, and wallow in the amazement.

Keep it up. I like Cade's suggestion about its fleas, as well, although I think it would work either way.

Thanks so much for the critiques!

- I wonder, rereading some of the responses if some people didn't pick up on this?

Gahks, I added the dash because Dickinson always seems to end lines with a dash. It's one of those things, it could go either way I guess.

To be honest though, aside from the dash and the sparse-ness, i'm not sure how much it shares in common with Dickinson. I'm sure she could do better, if she had written it, you know she would have made bolder choices than "ridge" and "complained".

- Suzanne, have you read the poem beginning with "Apparently with no surprise"? That's my favorite.

Cheers!

EDIT: Very well Suzanne, the dash is gone...

I hadn't read that one before, but it is a beautiful poem...

I added the dash because Dickinson always seems to end lines with a dash. It's one of those things, it could go either way I guess.

This makes me uncomfortable. I think you should add a dash because it works, or the poem needs it and without it, the poem would be less full. Not because Dickinson had a love for bizarre punctuation.

I think it shares with Dickinson the surface simplicity, and yet it has the strong meaning behind it. And, you need not be entirely like Dickinson. To quote someone you seem not to like as much as I (heh), "Imitation is suicide." - Emerson

Written during UShistory while thinking about John Muir...

2.
I stare through the photographs I took,
Into a snow dusted clearing
Surrounded by trembling cedars
And vaulted by ursa major
Where a gentle wind filters through the pines
and whispers subtle hints
to lonely impressions left behind
of abandoned footprints...

I actually like the first one better, but the fact that I like either is almost surprising to me, because normally I can't stand anything as short as your first one. It always seems to lack depth and be meaningless, even when other people hail it as some of the best poems.
But I really like this, it was to the point, but it had symbolism and meaning...
It had perfect rythm, perfect everything, and I applaud it:)

And I do like the second one very much too! I just find I have less to say about it... it's all good:) Sorry if this isn't exactly the most useful, but I don't know what would be since you don't need to change a thing.
*applauds*


~adna~

It's actually very interesting. When I first looked at it, I thought, "Uhoh, another short, short poem."

However, when I read it, I actually like it, a lot. It's humorous, and it doesn't need to be long to get it's point across.

Splendid. Kudos to a well done poem.

-Pros

that was a fun poem. It was cute and to the point. It stops and makes you think. I was unique. Good job.

3.
There's a bed of moss
Soft as feathers
Which lies
Two ravines and
Three Hills
From an overgrown trail
That meanders back
To the Junction
Where it meets the brief swath
Cut to reach the scenic view
And beyond there,
The visitor's center

Perhaps we don't know what we've got
When the road to paradise
Runs through the parking lot.

I love it! My only question is do i have to read 2 and three to complete the story? I started reading the second but its a completely different setting. Do they tye together or are they just different works you've done. I loved the thought process and it was really good. Good job can't wait to see more.