In absent mind you will typically find a worthless thought a phrase forgot a neverending trail of hope that's so frail. You see fear within action even one small transaction.A prisoner cellbound so alone and unfound
First, take the smileys out. They don't belong there.
Second, huh?
That's quite honestly the reaction I get from this poem. It's not just the lack of line breaks and proper punctuation. It's just...random, that's about the only word I have for it. What are you trying to say? Try to express it in more concrete terms...it's hard to visualize abstract concepts properly unless you use imagery to your advantage.
You might also try line breaks.
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Firstly, I'd like to welcome you to the site. Secondly, I'd like to let you know that we have a 2:1 ratio rule here - so that you critique two other works before submitting your own. Thirdly, this does not look like a poem. The smileys need to be taken out, and some line breaks wouldn't go amiss either - you need some structure. If it was my poem, I'd do something like this:
In absent mind
you will typically find
a worthless thought
a phrase forgot
a neverending trail
of hope that's so frail.
You see fear within action
even one small transaction.
A prisoner cellbound
so alone
and unfound
Just a suggestion of course, but already you see by structuring it like this it is a lot more readable. The writing itself shows potential. I look forward to reading more of your work.
You need to put structure into your poem, and please get ride of the smiley faces, they are very distracting. This didn't feel like a poem, and I think you spent about 5 minutes on it.
I have to echo everyone else on this... The smilies really do not belong there.
I think I may have some inkling of what you are trying to say, but I am not sure. There is little to go on. Your language is pretty, but it really isn't saying much. We get fleeting images, but then nothing. It ends before it gets rolling.
Structure. Cancel out smilies. I like your writing, it is just not formatted correctly and could be longer.
Good luck. You have potential. Find it and work with it.
Yoiu've got something here that could be quite nice and open rhythmically...almost like song lyrics. i'm not a very good writer but here's my suggestion. you have to be careful and thoughtful when you put a delicate and brief piece like this together. try to think of how it would sound if someone were to sing it. measure out rhythm and syllable usage.
i hope this doesn't offend you but if it was laid out like this it might have a tighter feel and more of an impact upon the reader:
In an absent mind
we typically find
a worthless thought,
a phrase forgot,
a never ending trail of hope.
Fear within an action
Even one transaction.
A prisoner cellbound
A prisoner alone, unfound.
and even this seems somewhat unfinished rhythmically. it needs a fifth line that flows with or even echoes the fifth line from the previous stanza. like: a never ending song of loss.
