Sunday Morning Death Parade

here's a more polished product...thanks all for the reviews.

CL

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It’s a Sunday Morning death parade
With its monatomic rumblings echoing off the spare walls
Drumming against my brain like all the previews we watched
High in the citadel, alone and wild in our intimacy
Taking every chance we had to run rapid through life

And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms

I see London, I see France…

Torn petals crinkle under my feet
There once wine complexion stolen
In the moments between “Hello” and “Goodbye”
I shuffle them away as I pass into the eternity that once was
Careful recorded memories, now everything is such a blur

And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms

I see London, I see France…

I force fed myself so many times
I lost all feeling especially in my thumbs
As I pick up your foreign cigarettes and half empty scotch bottles
That aren’t there
That smell of sandalwood and fresh dewed grass
Is stinging my lips once again

And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms

I see everything, we left to chance…

It’s a Sunday Morning death parade drumming in my ear
Rumbling with the palpitations of my heart
Deafening and sobering all at the same time
Grabbing my lifeline: the bottle that always freezes my fingers
I seep into the land of drunkenness
Slowing slipping away into amber liquidity

I see London, I see France…

This reminded me of another poem on here... it had to do with a death parade too...

"I grab the bottle and seep into the land of drunkenness"
The rest of the poem was more of a dreamy mood. This line brought the action back to the present.

I really liked the poem besides that... and the similarity between your poem and the other one is still bugging me.

I really like it. Personal and yet universal. Cool title and original images and analogies. Good work.

Hey, this was really well writing. Kinda reminded me of a nice, kinda jack johnson style, song. I really liked this part it seemed good to me.

Torn petals crinkle under my feet
There once wine complexion stolen
In the moments between “Hello” and “Goodbye”

Espiacly the last line in that stanza. Good job, keep on writting in the free world.

Um... this was pretty and interesting, but I wrote a poem in the dramatic poetry called Death Parade ...
It might just be coincidence that our titles resembled each other (even though my poem was about something different), but I suggest you be more careful next time about resembling other titles. *smiles* This was pretty though. Nice description though the italics were a little weird. Nice adjectives and flowing. I think I got the point. very pretty

so sorry hon, when I posted this I had no idea that our poems were linked by titled. sorry about that.

thank you guys for all the reviews.

cheers CL

Loved this. Loved it, loved it, loved it.

I usually give more comments, but, lost for words.

This is a good poem but I didn't LOVE it. But I did like it, the italics inbeetween the senteces I liked the most, i've done something like that before in one of my poems...
But I think it would flow better if you didn't capitilized the beginning of every line, but it could be just my personal prefrence. Here is some more things i've noticed:

"It’s a Sunday Morning death parade<<<<Nice beginning
With its monatomic rumblings echoing of the spare walls<<<<<OFF the spare walls
Drumming against my brain like the all the previews we watched<<<<Take out the 'the' after 'like'
High in the citadel, alone and wild in our intimacy<<<<Love this line very nice
Taking every chance we had to run rapid through life"

"And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms"

I like these lines here, very nice.

"Torn petals crinkle under my feet
There once wine complexion stolen
In the moments between “Hello” and “Goodbye”
I shuffle them away as I pass into the eternity that once was
Careful recorded memories, now everything is such a blur"

This stanza is near perfect in my ohpinion, very good imagry. But the second line is choppy and confusing, don't know hiw you would fix it though.

And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms

I see London, I see France…

"And I’ve force fed myself so many times<<<<<Take out the 'and', it will sound better
I lost all feeling especially in my thumbs<<<<I'VE lost all feeling especially in my thumbs would flow better
As I pick up your foreign cigarettes and half empty scotch bottles<<<< Nice line, good imagry
That aren’t there, and that smell of sandalwood and fresh dewed grass
Is stinging my lips once again"<<<<Maybe seperate this line into two, like this
"That aren't there
That smell of sandlewood and fresh dewed grass
Is stining my lips once again

And I keep thinking you’ll come back
And sweep me up in your arms

I see everything, we left to chance… <<<<I like how you change this from "I see Londonm, I see France..." but it rhymes with "I see London I see France..." very nice

It’s a Sunday Morning death parade drumming in my ear
Rumbling with the palpitations of my heart
Deafening and sobering all at the same time
I grab the bottle and seep into the land of drunkenness
Slowing slipping away into amber liquidity

I see London, I see France…

I love the ending, how you change the the first stanza slightly and out it at the end and then do "I see London, I see France..." again. Very good job, excelent.

thank you dear. I'll see to the editing.

CL

edited finally!

CL

i really liked your poem.

i really liked "I see London, I see France", at first it was a little confusing but after the last stanza it all comes together and it's very strong as the last line.

"and i keep thinking you'll come back
and sweep me up in your arms" this kinda kept it on track, i can't explain it, it like keeps the poem in touch with reality because the peom is kinda dreamlike, at least it was for the first half, and then it became very blunt at "i force fed myself so many times", i personally like the second, more blunt part of the poem better, i feel like it's very strong.

i really like
"i lost all feeling especially in my thumbs
as i pick up your foreign cigarettes and half empty scotch bottles"
it's very different and creative.

the last stanza is very strong and "it's a sunday morning death parade drumming in my ear" has a nice rythm to it.