The Mutilations of the Male Against the Female

She wore a white dress.
Fair locks flowed
Down her slender back.
Songbirds woke her;
Squirrels tied her bow.
The sun shone just for her.

Then girl met boy.

He wore a leather jacket.
A dark ponytail hung
Below his motorcycle helmet.
She gave him her soul;
He took it and ran.

Today she wears a black dress,
Black heels, black tights.
In silence she clips back
Her short brown strands.
It’s raining;
The Hirsch pulls up.
She climbs in clumsily,
A deep voice speaks:
“Who died?”
Brown eyes stared
At the casket:
“Me.”


He could have at least sent flowers.

Waoh Via, this is really great. I really love it. I'm not sure about "slender back." It sounds a little odd...maybe "narrow" may work better?It's a tough one... I also think I'd put "down" on the same line as "flowed".

I love "He took it and ran." It's great how you isolate lines. It really increases their power.

I'd change "today" to "now", for no reason that I can explain... I'd also change "strands" to "hair" or "locks", as I think it's odd for the sentence to stop at "strands". Actually, now that I think about it, today seems to work...but maybe try;

"Today she's wearing a black dress."

I love the ending, and the last line is brillaint.

Hope this helps.
Jas

I like it, but it isn't one of my favorites by you. Not at all. What is poetic about it? It's like a story in verse. And sure you can write stories in verse, but you're poetically amazing--why not make this poetically amazing, too? I think it's too simple [for you]. You're an amazing poet, but this doesn't show your talent. It just shows you can write a kind-of sad story in verse. I think you should consider ways for you to be more poetic with this, or at least make the idea less...bland. I love the end of it, with her being the one who died, but I think it is just too simplistic, and almost cliché, although not entirely. And we don't even know how she died, which is annoying IMO. And the line "Then girl met boy" is also cliché.

It isn't that you're a bad poet! It's that I know you can do better.

Hey, Via!

Well, I'm usually not one to read/crit poetry, but this caught my eye. After reading it, I really liked it. You have great talent for poetry.

Today she wears a black dress,
Black heels, black tights.
In silence she clips back
Her short brown strands.

for some reason, brown needs to be changed. You are talking about black, black, black. This would be much more dramatic if you change 'brown' to 'black'

But of course, that's all up to you.

"Then girl met boy" is also cliché.

Can't say I agree too much with Suzanne on this one. Yeah, it's a little over done, but it really fits in with the poem.

All in all, there is not much more that I can say. It was really good, and I'll be looking out for more!

Keep writing!

BBB

Nice. Great idea.
I did find it was overloaded with adjectives, for example:

Fair locks flowed
Down her slender back.

This just weakened the poem for me. The first stanza seems kind of bland. Try and make it more engaging, or cut it.

Then girl met boy.

Ah...awkward. The cliche doesnt really work here.

She gave him her soul;
He took it and ran.

Again, I'd love something more original to get a real feel of the characters. To me they seem like cardbord cut-outs so the ending wasnt as dramatic as it could have been. I wanted to be more empathetic.

She climbs in clumsily,
A deep voice speaks:
“Who died?”
Brown eyes stared
At the casket:

I found here the side-notes (adjectives and adverbs for example) weighed the poem down. Your message is obscured by things like telling us how she climbed in, what the voice sounded like and they eyes were like. If you want adjectives you could make them stand out more, because how many times have you read about a "deep voice" and "brown eyes?"
Loved the last couple of lines.

I absolutely love this! The last line ties the entire poem together. Great job.

I love the idea of her seeing her own coffin, and of how he "killed" her. Amazing.

At first I wasn't sure I liked it, but when I read the last line, it made the whole thing. The only line I think you really need to change is:

Then girl met boy.

because it makes it sound almost... corny? Not quite sure if thats the right word....

Anyways, with a little work, I think this could be really good! Not that it isn't already, but it could be much better.

Hirsch. . . do you mean Hearse? As in the wagon/car that carts around the coffins?

Otherwise, I liked this

- jai -

Yeah, I think so.

This is an extraordinary poem. Incredibly rich and subtle. I like the way you subvert the cliche "Then girl met boy." And of course the bitter irony of the last line.

You could, as other reviewers have said, make it less of a story and more of a poem. Make your imagery more poetic.

Otherwise, excellent. 9/10

Normally I am not a fan of poetry written in this style, but I think you pulled it off. Though this has already been pointed out many times, "Then girl met boy" has to be... revised, I think. For some reason I also was not a big fan of the last line, "He could have at least sent flowers." I don't really know but it does seem to kinda ruin the subtlety you have going.
I do think you could have fleshed it out a bit more if you had wanted to, however your ability to tell a story in such a small poem is amazing.

Wow, Via - this is so good.

I have read poems on this subject before, but you managed to write yours in a cliché-free way. So kudos on that. ^.^

But...
As others have said before me, I think that the adjectives you used were really simple and that you could make this even more powerful by adding more poetic language.
... then again, I have read your other poems (although I didn't comment) and so I know that you are capable of more complex imagery - maybe you chose such a simplistic style to represent the characters? I don't know...

She wore a white dress.
Fair locks flowed -
Down her slender back.
Songbirds woke her;
Squirrels tied her bow.
The sun shone just for her. - Aww.

Then girl met boy.

He wore a leather jacket.
A dark ponytail hung
Below his motorcycle helmet.
She gave him her soul;
He took it and ran. - Bastard.

Today she wears a black dress,
Black heels, black tights.
In silence she clips back
Her short brown strands. - Her hair got darker?
It’s raining;
The Hirsch pulls up.
She climbs in clumsily,
A deep voice speaks:
“Who died?”
Brown eyes stared
At the casket:
“Me.” - I wanna get it so badly but i don't!!!!


He could have at least sent flowers.


OH!!!
It sounds so deep and I want to understand the last few lines!!! Did she really die... or what? I'm so confused. Oh.. This should be in narrative poetry though, because it tells a story It was good, I liked it.

KEEP WRITING!

In this poem you successfully achieve a powerful contrast and for that I think you should be commended. However my main quarrel with this work is that the whole idea of "BAD BOY MEETS GOOD GIRL" is cliched and rehached constantly in popular culture. In other words, there is absolutely nothing strikingly original about this poem.

In the first stanza you offer the reader a simple, yet evocative image of the girl. We know this girl and therefore we can empathise with her. (WELL DONE) Likewise the image of the boy is vividly expressed. HOWEVER- It reeks heavily of the off broadway hit "GREASE".

It is the final stanza and line of this poem that let it down. While the danger of such a romance is evoked, it is hard to deduce what (if anything) is going on! The poem suddenly takes a turn and becomes a sattire of sorts: "He could at-least have sent flowers"???? Leave it out and do the poem a favour please!

Woot! I only need four more crits to get 75. Thank you so much! *huggles*

*gasp* Oh wow! I really like this one. So simple and yet so powerful. Elegantly written. I really enjoy this one. *must remember to give a gold star to*

This is great. Full of emotion and so much yumminess I could eat you right now. ^_^

This is a wonderful poem, Via. Be proud of yourself. I really like this one.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate