Mixed up emotions....

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Moe_Moe17
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Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:14 pm
Moe_Moe17 says... · Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:14 pm
As I look into his eyes
All I see are Lies
then I look again and
I see all the love we use
to have for one another...
I want to hate him'
for everything he's put me through
but something inside of me wont
every time I try to put my feelings aside
they never seem to subside...
even though he's broke my heart
repeatedly but still the pain he's
caused can't seem to block out
the LOVE I have for him...
Last edited by Moe_Moe17 on Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rydia
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Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:39 pm
Rydia says... · Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:39 pm
*Moved to Other Poetry.*
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
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Jasmine Hart
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Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:12 pm
Jasmine Hart says... · Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:12 pm
Hi. The emotion which you express here is good, but I think that you can channel it differently. I'll get back to this in a minute, for now I want to look at what you have here in and of itself.

I wouldn't capitalise the "l" in "Lies" as this would only really be neccessary if you wanted to expand on the personification.

"All the love we use
to for one another"
doesn't make much sense...did you mean "used to have for one another"?

I think the apostrophe after "him" was a typo...and you need oen in "wont".

I'd change "broke" to "broken."

I'd also put a full stop after "repeatedly."

I wouldn't capitalise "love" as you really don't need to.

Now, I'd suggest using imagery. Show, don't tell. At the moment, this is very cliche. It can be difficult to make love poetry your own, as it's such a common theme, so you really need to look at making your statements fresh.Maybe freewrite around this for a little, why you love him, why it can't work, and how you feel about that. Little details will work wonders.

Hope this helps.
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
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[deleted2]
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Thu Feb 21, 2008 1:58 am
[deleted2] says... · Thu Feb 21, 2008 1:58 am
As I look into his eyes
All I see are Lies
then I look again and
I see all the love we use
to for one another...
I want to hate him'
for everything he's put me through
but something inside of me wont
every time I try to put my feelings aside
they never seem to subside...
even though he's broke my heart
repeatedly but still the pain he's
caused can't seem to block out
the LOVE I have for him...


i liked it :D ! But this part dosen't make sence:
to for one another...


you should try to make this flow a bit better too. look at some other peoples work and see how they made there poem flow.

- Alone_But_Surrounded :smt061
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Adnamarine
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Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:44 am
Adnamarine says... · Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:44 am
Moe_Moe17 wrote:As I look into his eyes
All I see are lies
then I look again and
I see all the love we used
to have for one another...
I want to hate him
for everything he's put me through
but something inside of me won't.
Every time I try to put my feelings aside
they never seem to subside...
Even though he's broken my heart
repeatedly but still the pain he's
caused can't seem to block out
the love I have for him...

As you can see, I made a few changes above that I think you should put in. You need to use more punctuation.

"even though he's broke my heart
repeatedly but still the pain he's
caused can't seem to block out
the LOVE I have for him..."

These lines don't make sense, where you connect 'broke my heart' and 'still the pain he's caused' with 'but'. That doesn't make sense. 'Even though...but'? You need to clear that up somehow.

You need to work on clarity, and try to put a little more imagery in it too.
This has potential, but it definately needs more work.

Always, keep writing.


*adna*
"Half the time the poem writes me." ~Meshugenah
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shanan-cat
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Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:55 pm
shanan-cat says... · Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:55 pm
I had afew problems with your poem:
[quote]but something inside of me won't.

This line doesn't make sense. Maybe something like:

But something inside won't let me part, for i still love you so as I remark.

Other than that, it was god with the rhyming, but the ending wasn't very good 'cause it wasn't solving any problem and really wasn't ending your poem.
Edit it again then I'll review it again, okay?
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown
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emo_dude100
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Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:00 am
emo_dude100 says... · Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:00 am
Moe_Moe17 wrote:As I look into his eyes
All I see are Lies
then I look again and
I see all the love we use
to have for one another...
I want to hate him'
for everything he's put me through
but something inside of me wont
every time I try to put my feelings aside
they never seem to subside...
even though he's broke my heart
repeatedly but still the pain he's
caused can't seem to block out
the LOVE I have for him...
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shanan-cat
Gender Female
Points 2258
Reviews 135
Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:40 pm
shanan-cat says... · Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:40 pm
Hello again!
I just wanted to say, emo_dude100, this is not a review. To review, you have to actually give the person that wrote the poem your opinoin of the story, not just a copy and paste then not write anything back or give no comment.
You can't get far like this... so maybe you should rewrite your review?
Rememeber what U said the next time that you do a review, okay?
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown
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Rei
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Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:44 pm
Rei says... · Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:44 pm
I have one problem with this poem in the way it sounds. Yes, it does need some visuals, you know, "Show, don't tell." But what stood out for me is that you have two randomly placed rhymes and the rest has no rhyming at all. For my own preferences, I like to see consistency in rhyming or none at all.
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