♥ Art Boy

Kadie · 2008-01-26T22:17:57Z

Ok, this is just really a bit of cute, fluffy fun, it isn't supposed to be that great, but i would still like opinions on it, and suggestions on how to improve it. Thanks. ♥ Art Boy He has brown hair. Not dark brown, not light brown, something-in-the-middle brown. It’s not very long, but it’s not short either. It’s just long enough to be considered shaggy, or floppy even. It doesn’t have a particular style. It just kinda sits there, on top of his head, sometimes hanging in front of his eyes. I love his hair. His eyes...well...to be honest, I’m not the best person to describe them. Unfortunately, I’ve never been in the position to study them like I really want to. From afar, I can tell you, that they look green. Not really a magnificent shade of green, actually it’s kind of dull, from afar anyway. His lips are thin, the bottom one just a little more plump than the top. His smile though, is stunning. Not that I’ve seen it that often. He has two perfect rows of perfect white teeth, not a single one crooked or out of place. His face is, in a word, beautiful. With a complexion paler than milk, and the angled jaw of a high class model, he never fails to take my breath away. I suppose I should be embarrassed that a guy can affect me that much, but what the hell, it’s not like he notices. For a whole year now we’ve been going to the same school; taking the same classes; even catching the same bus, and not once has he talked to me. It doesn’t bother me much, I’ve never made the effort to talk to him either. That’s where I am now, on the bus, with him sitting at the front facing me, while I sat in the middle staring out of the window, sneaking subtle glances at him every now and then. He always sits in the same seat at the front of the bus, one of the seats that face the back while the majority of the others face the front. It used to make me kinda nervous because I’d always get the feeling he was watching me. I needn’t have worried though, he was always to busy drawing to notice me. Every day he’d get on the bus, sit in the same seat, pull out his sketch book and draw for the entire thirty minute journey. God knows what he would draw; I doubt he got much inspiration from his surroundings. But sure enough, his pencil would keep on flitting across the page, only to stop when the bus was approximately one minute away from his stop. He’d pack up, get off the bus and leave me to wonder what it was that he’d drawn that day, until it was my turn to get off the bus, just one stop after him. I wonder where he lives. It obviously can’t be that far away from me, but then again, I never see him out and about. I never bump into him on the way to the grocery store, or see him hanging around with friends when I’m out hanging around with friends. He has a lot of friends. Well, fans really. He’s not the most popular guy in school, but he certainly has a solid fan base. Us girls just love the quiet, mysterious type, and he’s the epitome of quiet and mysterious. He hangs around with a couple of loud jocks, but he’s known for being the more reserved one. It’s kind of weird who he chooses to hang around with really. He’s not a jock, he’s not loud, he’s not a player. Or at least, I hope he isn’t. And if he is, I’d rather not know about it. I’m not sure I’m ready for my delusions to be shattered just yet. I looked at him. His legs were propped up on the empty seat in front of him, his sketch pad resting on his knees as his hand, comfortably holding a pencil, moved swiftly across the page. His eyebrows were drawn into a slight frown, and I wondered what was wrong. Maybe his picture wasn’t going right, or maybe he’d used the wrong pencil for a certain part. I shook myself from my thoughts, looking back at his face, and—oh crap, he’s looking right at me. I tried to act nonchalant as I turned my head to once again look out the window, but I’m pretty sure the blush quickly forming on my cheeks was giving me away. I was mortified. He’d caught me staring at him! I’d been getting the same bus as him for over a year and not once had he noticed me! Now he’d caught me staring he probably thought I was a freak or a loser or something. I groaned. I just wanted to get off the bus and never have to see him again, but I’d only been on for fifteen minutes, so there were another fifteen left. Turning to look around the bus, I tried to act casual, but when my gaze landed on him for all of one second, I knew that he’d seen right through me. He was still looking at me, and he was smirking. He’d caught me staring, and now he was smirking at me. Ass hole. He couldn’t just forget it could he? No. He has to make me even more embarrassed. I decided to stop being such a wimp about it. He’d caught me staring, the damage was done. But he was not gonna sit there, smirking at me, making me feel like an idiot. I was not gonna let him get to me. Making eye contact, I narrowed my eyes at him and scowled. I was sending him lots of angry vibes and mental messages, telling him to stop looking at smirking at me. It didn’t work. In fact, my plan had the opposite affect. He broke out into a fully fledged grin. Not a smile, a grin, and an arrogant one at that. I gave up, sinking lower into my seat, and once again turning to look out of the window. I was mentally scolding my self for getting caught in the first place, when movement caught my attention. He was picking up his back pack from the floor and standing up. This wasn’t his stop, was it? No. He hadn’t even pressed the bell. Everything was suddenly made clear when he caught my gaze, smirked once more, and started moving up the aisle, towards me. My eyes widened as I started to panic. What the hell was he doing?! This isn’t how it was supposed to be. He was just supposed to sit there drawing while I watched him from the corner of my eye. He wasn’t supposed to acknowledge me! And he certainly wasn’t supposed to plop himself down right next to me, which is what he just did. I didn’t look at him, I just glared out of the window as my cheeks grew hotter and hotter. He cleared his throat. I ignored him. He did it again, twice as loud. Breathing deeply, trying to control my racing heartbeat, I slowly turned my head towards him. “Can I help you?” I wanted to smack myself. It was supposed to some out strong and uninterested, not weak and quivering! The grin was back, and I could tell that he was dying to burst out laughing. “You were staring at me,” he said bluntly. I wanted to die. This was not happening! “I..I—no I wasn’t!” I protested hotly, although I knew full well that I was. “Yes, you were,” and again with the bluntness. What is up with him? He’s supposed to be all quiet and reserved, not arrogant and confrontational! “No, I wasn’t,” I said, sounding a little more confident. “I zoned out while I casually glanced at you,” I said, giving a small nod, as if it would hinder any further argument. “Casually glanced, huh?” He said, wearing a small smile. “If that’s the case, then why are you blushing so bad?” I glared daggers at him. I’d forgotten about the blush, I thought I’d talked my way out of a majorly embarrassing situation, but no, he just had to bring up the blush! “I was not blushing! I was just...um...I was just cold!” It was a good job that there was hardly anyone on the bus, because at this point I was slightly hysterical, and my volume level was perhaps a little too high. “Yeah, I can understand that, you know since it’s the middle of summer and all,” he smirked, giving me appointed look. Ok, maybe lying isn’t the best option with this guy. “Ok ok! I was staring at you, happy now?” The huge grin that made it’s way onto his face confirmed it. “I don’t get why you’re being such an ass about it. Just go away.” “I’m not being an ass, I just wanted to know why you were staring at me,” he said lightly, not taking offence at all to me calling him an ass. Ok, think! Think damn it! You can’t tell him you were staring at him because you think that he’s really really hot and that he has nice hair that you want to run your fingers through and that you want to study his eyes... “I was just wondering what you were drawing, that’s all,” I said, as if it was obvious. “Oh,” his smile wavered. He looked away for a moment, before turning back and giving me a small nervous smile. Why was he nervous? He wasn’t the one who’d been caught staring by a really hot guy who they’d been crushing on for a year! “You wanna see?” he asked, gesturing to his sketch book with his hands. “Um...ok,” I said a little hesitantly. What was with the sudden change? One minute he’s teasing me and acting all arrogant, the next he’s acting all nervous and letting me look at his art. Maybe he’s bipolar. He handed me his sketch book, and if I’d have been paying more attention, I probably would have noticed that he was being a little reluctant about it, but I didn’t. I took the book from him, placed it on my lap, flipped the cover open and gasped. Well, I wasn’t expecting that. I studied the page, the soft, elegant pencil lines. The amazing details. The small signature in the corner of the page. It was amazing. I flipped the page, and let out another soft gasp. He was certainly a brilliant artist. Flipping through the pages, I found that they were always of the same thing, just in different positions and poses. I came across the last page, the unfinished drawing from today. It was almost complete, which was remarkable, since he’d only been drawing for fifteen minutes. The only part of it that wasn’t complete was the eyes. My eyes. The sketch book was full of drawings of me, and nothing else. I couldn’t think, and so I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. “You never even look up.” He’d been watching intently for my reaction, and was a little taken aback, but smiled none the less. “And how would you know, unless you’ve made a habit out of staring at me?” My eyes widened and I shook my head a little forcefully, about to protest. “No—“ “It’s ok,” he said, for the first time giving me a warm friendly smile. “I stare at you too. I just try and be discreet about it.” I scowled at him, before the meaning of his words actually hit me. He stares at me. He stares at me, while I stare at him, because I like him, and he...he likes me? I looked up at him, the question in my eyes. Do you like me? He was still smiling slightly, as he gave a small nod of confirmation. I broke out into a huge smile, before telling him to finish the picture. Today, I didn’t get off the bus at my regular stop, I got off at his stop, because he wanted to walk me home. When I entered my house, over an hour later, it was with a huge grin on my face and slightly swollen lips. The guy with the brown hair, the green eyes, the perfect smile, was now my boyfriend. He was finally mine. My art boy.

Kadie

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Points 805

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Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:37 pm

Kadie says... · Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:37 pm

I'm sooo happy with the reviews for this. I havn't edited it yet but when i get round to it i'll be sure to post it. You guys are so helpful

You're awesome, thankyou

And bookgeek, your critique was very in depth and positive and it really made my day. Thanks.

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Leja

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Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:12 pm

Leja says... · Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:12 pm

The one way to guarantee I (and, I assume, many others) don't want to read something is to put something cutesy in the title. Like a heart. Especially in Romantic Fiction. Just thought I'd let you know :wink:

And, sorry to harp on formatting things, but it's really better if you just post in normal text. The bolded words go kinda hard on the eyes sometimes.

He has brown hair. Not dark brown, not light brown, something-in-the-middle brown. It’s not very long, but it’s not short either. It’s just long enough to be considered shaggy, or floppy even. It doesn’t have a particular style. It just kinda sits there, on top of his head, sometimes hanging in front of his eyes.

At the beginning of this I wanted to groan and say "just define his hair and move on already!" But then it ended with it just sitting on his head, and I thought that was cute, so I guess I'll leave off it. I will, however, say that the continuing description of every single facial feature this boy possesses is rather trying on one's patience and without it being interspersed with something tangible, like character development relating to personality or action, it reads exactly like an info dump. A well worded infodump, but an infodump all the same. I see you've ended it with "I suppose I should be embarrassed..." and that is nice in that it gives a reason for all that description, but I think it would be more effective were the description to be integrated into the story. Say there's a scene where she's watching him in the lunch line. That gives a reason for her to be noticing all these things because he's right in front of her. Anyone might have noticed him. But! she'd be the one who notices him the longest, who memorizes his every detail. And that would give description and character development while layering over story. At the beginning here, there's just the description, nothing to hang it on, you know? So I begin with the "why do I need to know this?" thought instead of the "man, that girl's obsessive" thought I think you were going for. Also, just his face is described? I don't know whether he's now tall or short or thin or stocky; if the narrator noticed all these things about his face, it would seem she'd notice other characteristics about him as well.

For a whole year now we’ve been going to the same school; taking the same classes; even catching the same bus, and not once has he talked to me. It doesn’t bother me much, I’ve never made the effort to talk to him either.

This is a summary paragraph. As such, it does nothing to advance the action or the story. I vote you scrap it and integrate the feelings and ideas of it into the paragraph that follows it, where she's watching him on the bus. Actually, while she watches him on the bus might be a good time to introduce all that description about his physical features.

It obviously can’t be that far away from me, but then again, [s]I never see him out and about.[/s] I never bump into him on the way to the grocery store, or see him hanging around with friends when I’m out hanging around with friends.

Be careful about being redundant! The struck out phrase above just reiterates what the text around it shows. And it's always better to show rather than to tell!

In the part where she's sitting on the bus and he catches her looking at him, the pacing is perfect ^^

Everything was suddenly made clear when he caught my gaze, smirked once more, and started moving up the aisle, towards me.

You might want to take another look at this sentence. It has passive voice in the "was suddenly made clear" phrase. I'd take the "made" out of that phrase as it's unnecessary and plodding. You might also want to break this into two sentences, the break coming between "caught my gaze" and "smirked once more" to increase the tension.

This section also includes a nice blend of dialogue and description/dialogue tags. I only wonder why no one else on the bus is watching this exchange? In my experience, when something like this happens, everyone wants to chime in. On characterization, the boy seems a little too prince-charming. Ex:

“I’m not being an ass, I just wanted to know why you were staring at me,” he said lightly, not taking offense at all to me calling him an ass.

(take out "at all" because it's cluttering the strength of the sentence) He speaks lightly and is unoffended. Both those things are fine, but the impression given is that he just brushed them off, like he's too perfect to care about either of those things. It makes him seem haughty, and like he isn't a real person. Personally, I'd use a different word than "lightly" and I'd show how he didn't take offense. Maybe he rolled his eyes because he thought she was too juvenile for it to matter, maybe he shifted his posture to show that that was more important to him than replying to those statements. Both those things are 'tangible' visual ways that the reader can see he didn't take offense.

“Um...ok,” I said a little hesitantly. What was with the sudden change? One minute he’s teasing me and acting all arrogant, the next he’s acting all nervous and letting me look at his art. Maybe he’s bipolar.

Lose the rhitorical question of "What was with the sudden change?" and "one minute.. the next" part. They're both cliches and as such, the narrator's voice becomes lost. The reader is taken out of the story.

He handed me his sketch book, and if I’d have been paying more attention, I probably would have noticed that he was being a little reluctant about it, but I didn’t.

If she didn't notice, how can she later know he was reluctant?

And how did she know they were her eyes? I don't think I'd recognize my eyes. A whole face, yeah, or if there was some scar or birthmark on her eye, but just an eye? I don't know 'bout that one...

How was the boy taken aback? How does she know this?

"It's ok," he said, for the first time giving me a warm friendly smile. "I stare at you too. I just try and be discreet about it."

End his phrase with "I stare at you too". The rest takes away from the impact. Don't overexplain the simplest things!

I scowled at him, before the meaning of his words actually hit me. He stares at me. He stares at me, while I stare at him, because I like him, and he...he likes me?

Take out "the meaning of". It's overexplination of something that's understood.

How does he know she's asking "do you like me?" just by looking in her eyes? Maybe he had a pimple on his forehead or something

The ending was too rushed. Here, before, there was all of this lovely description and such, and then it's like "okay, plot resolved, let's make out!" It's too rushed. I think an ambiguous ending might be better, actually, something like "... because I like him, and he... he likes me?/ Today I didn't get off the bus at my regular stop because he wanted to walk me home, the guy with the brown hair..." because the point is that they've realized they like each other, and you now want to finally resolve the conflict.

Yes, it's fluff, but it's actually pretty well written fluff, much better than I've read elsewhere! ^^

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GryphonFledgling

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Reviews 922

Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:24 pm

GryphonFledgling says... · Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:24 pm

There were quotation marks... Just not around the thoughts...

Awwwwww.... That was my first reaction to this story. It is definitely rather fluffy, but those are always good to read once in a while.

This was really cute. I've had my experience with staring at guys, and I always wished that this scenario would happen to me, but so far it has not. Lucky girl with her art boy. *pouts*

Great story. My only complaint is - echoing what everyone else has said - that the end came really fast. Noooo!

~GryphonFledgling

I am reminded of the babe by you.

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fallenangel

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Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:43 pm

fallenangel says... · Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:43 pm

This is so cute! Oh my heck I love it. I could really see what was going on in the story, it has great potential. Please keep writing! Great job.

He does not weep who does not see. -Victor Hugo

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Foreseer

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Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:51 am

Foreseer says... · Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:51 am

Definately cute! I liked it a lot! It was pretty funny in some parts and that was good. Art guys are definately the best, as well as mysterious and quiet.(Two nice descriptive words, by the way.) I thought it was kind of short, but bus rides are always short.

Besides that I don't really have anything else to add. :wink:

*~*Foreseer*~*

~*~It's Not Faith If You Use Your Eyes ~*~
- Miracle by Paramore

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casey_kent

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Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:23 am

casey_kent says... · Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:23 am

i love your story!

i love the way you describe the boy!

i bet he is really hot.

i wish this happens to me or something!

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Kalliope

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Wed Feb 13, 2008 6:59 pm

Kalliope says... · Wed Feb 13, 2008 6:59 pm

Hey Kadie,

you absolutely saved my day with this! Now I feel all fuzzy inside.
I don't feel like going through this again and spoiling the fun of it by searching for errors and I didn't find any right away. I love this. Really.
I guessed, that he was drawing her pretty soon, but that didn't spoil it at all, because there was this moment of doubt, when they started talking to eachother. Wow. I really like this

Keep it up!
~Kalliope :wink:

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cloudy.skiesx

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:55 pm

cloudy.skiesx says... · Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:55 pm

This is amazing! I stumbled across it and was like oh... right, but loved it! It's really great, honestly loved it! But I spotted this...

"he was always to busy drawing to notice me."

Shouldn't it be "too busy drawing.." I'm not sure though because I ALWAYS get mixed up with too and to, :S

But anyway amazing , really:)

Cloudy.skiesx;*

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saves

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Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:28 am

saves says... · Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:28 am

Beautiful Story.

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ReasonIsTreason

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Sat Mar 01, 2008 2:16 am

ReasonIsTreason says... · Sat Mar 01, 2008 2:16 am

aahh I love this (:

The title didn't attract me that much, just to tell you, but the end of that first paragraph completely changed my mind.

I related so much to that character xD

Cutest story.

"Oh my God. I care so little I almost passed out."

-Dr. Cox

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casey_kent

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Fri Mar 21, 2008 9:05 am

casey_kent says... · Fri Mar 21, 2008 9:05 am

Again.. I loved it so much. I cant stop reading it over and over again!! ♥♥♥

Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship.

I may not be perfect but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

"Let's destroy these little darlings..."- W.Beckett

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Echolair

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Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:55 am

Echolair says... · Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:55 am

AH! *motions for you to come by* *HUGS*

Such a butterflies-in-tummies initiator.

Swear I almost....almost fell for your art boy. Nice job at writing.

Hats off!

=maybe you could come by mine and R&R my works? ;p not a promising writer i am, but what the hell..

=

In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25

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Lyrical Anatomy

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Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:40 pm

Lyrical Anatomy says... · Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:40 pm

I really love this story, I added it to my favourites on FP.

I love your description of "Art Boy", he's adorable. This story is adorable.

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Kadie

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Points 805

Reviews 39

Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:05 pm

Kadie says... · Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:05 pm

I guess you guys must really be into fluff huh? Since you keep commenting

Well thanks, i appreciate it. Tis a real confidence booster.

I'm working on my first serious full length novel at the moment, the first chapter/prologue should be posted soon.

It will contain lots of fluff and lots of funny scenes so i think you'll like it.

I'll let you know when it's posted :p

Thanks again.

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summergrl13

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Sat Mar 22, 2008 4:11 pm

summergrl13 says... · Sat Mar 22, 2008 4:11 pm

You write stories like this and you've only got one star?!?!?! I loved your story and I think you should be at least a speaker of the forum person;)!! Seriously loved this story! You need to continue to write more of this! 0(o.o)0

I will review for you! PM about it if you need one!

Come check out my new story at topic53543.html

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