Everytime....

Every time I suffer it feels like forever. Every time I suffer you are playing and moving around freely. Everytime I suffer every minute feels like it goes on forever and ever. Evertime I SUFFER you only care about yourself and no one else. Every time I suffer I could be dying slowly. Everytime I suffer well....... who knows what will happen.

Can poetry really be structured like that?

I liked your repetition to begin with but it seemed overdone and artificial by the end. I like to use the rule of three (triplets) when I repeat things. If you are going to use the same phrase more than three times, try to vary it. E.g.: "Every time you make me suffer"; "When I no longer suffer" etc.

You could do with setting it out like a proper poem. Otherwise, not a bad start!

I thought that the way it was presented was okay. Poetry DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WRITTEN IN LINE FORM. It doesn't take away from the poem.

Hello Cutestuff--

Welcome to the YWS. Please take a moment to look over the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you make at least 2 reviews of others work before posting anything of your own and that the ratio remain 2:1. Thanks!

Now onto the poem...

Although this is structured as prose poetry, the content is not really prose in the least. "everytime I suffer" is bored, overused, and really kills the poem completely. There has to be something else in the poem to make the meat. It's boring to start every line/sentence with the same words.

My suggestion would be to scrap this and go read more poetry (professional poetry) before writing anything else. When you have read loads of poetry and you feel ready to attempt another poem, start with a mimic of a poem you like. Then eventually you can venture off and make your own forms.

Good luck!

Firstly, Welcome to YWS! Now for the critique. The first thing that I noticed what that you had absolutely no format. You must have at least some flow and format or else your poem looks like a simple paragraph of rants and a lot of readers just skip over it in dismissal. Here it is in said format:

Every time I suffer,
it feels like forever.
Every time I suffer,
you are playing and moving around freely.
Every time I suffer,
every minute feels like it goes on forever and ever.
Every time I SUFFER,
you only care about yourself and no one else.
Every time I suffer,
I could be dying slowly.
Everytime I suffer
well. . .
who knows what will happen?

Okay, now that it's in some sort of format... the review.

Every time I suffer,
it feels like forever.

**Okay, not bad but it really tells us nothing. It's sort of vague and we can't get real feeling from it. You need to add a more poetic voice so that the words aren't well...just words.

Every time I suffer,
you are playing and moving around freely.

**Playing and moving are simple words. They aren't really as effective or as serious as I think you're trying to be in this poem. Try something that will grab the reader so that they continue to read like "Every time I suffer, you are whistling a sweet tune joyfully" or something of that nature considering that even that sentence doesn't tell much. But you see what I mean. More feeling.

Every time I suffer,
every minute feels like it goes on forever and ever.

**...you've already said this in the first two lines. Don't repeat yourself. It doesn't make the line any better when you add an extra ever on the end. Do something new.

Every time I SUFFER,
you only care about yourself and no one else.

**Putting the word suffer in all caps does not make it any more effective either. It wouldn't matter if you even put it in italics. If you thought that the word "suffer" was getting boring and needed to be amped up a bit...then that means it's time to use a different word. Starting ever line with "Every time I suffer" gets boring after a while and soon I just forgot about that line all together and just read every other line. You have to find different words to explain different meanings so that every line is a new surprise.

Every time I suffer,
I could be dying slowly.

**I sort of liked these two lines because anything about death almost proves to get interest... but not if it's cliche. I don't think that this was completely cliche but it could use a little more description. Saything that your narrator could be dying only makes your readers want more...but then you blew it off and went to the next line so it seemed a bit pointless. Expand. Why could she be dying? What's causing all of this suffering?

Everytime I suffer
well. . .
who knows what will happen?

**This was a good ending. That's all I can say about it though. The rest of the poem didn't quite work up to the ending so it seemed a little out of place. We're left wondering.

****Okay, overall the poem was alright for an outline. Now you need to expand and reach between those surface feelings and bring out what you really mean. I know that you have it in you. It'll just take some editing. Bring some similies and metaphors into the mix, change it up and make it fun. It might turn out bad and it might just turn out wonderful PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

P.S. Try to keep your post ratio to two reviews to ever piece of literary work you post, 2:1. Thank you!

Keep it up!
~Rieda