Tribute to Breathing

Tribute to Breathing

Checking out of routine
I postpone the hour to dream.
At about eleven thirty;
Dark, cold, night;
Only streets streaming light.
Walking out to the gate,
Prepared,
In the shoes of the shoeless man.

Callous feet,
Toes and heels shocked to the bone
Through the skin from the stones,
Pacing rhythmically
Out of time to the metronome,
Breathing in blurs
Stiching a path from home,
Down the road
Existing in illumination,
Sewn to the river.

I set back from the wharf,
Muscles inflated,
be-lated,
Excuses created;
Adrenaline rush, Endorphins flush
Through my body
And restores me,
Floods grey matter;
A healing pain
Filled with breath,
Convinced,
To sharpen up and run again.

Your rhyming isn't helping you, it's forced and often awkward.

Anything in orange is a line that you ought to think over and replace. Either it's a forced line, or any awkward word choice.

Checking out of routine
I postpone the hour to dream.
At about eleven thirty;
Dark, cold, night;
Only streets streaming light.
Walking out to the gate,
Prepared,
In the shoes of the shoeless man.

Callous feet,
Toes and heels shocked to the bone
Through the skin from the stones,
Pacing rhythmically
Out of time to the metronome,
Breathing in blurs
Stiching a path from home,
Down the road
Existing in illumination,
Sewn to the river.

I set back from the wharf,
Muscles inflated,
be-lated,
Excuses created;
Adrenaline rush, Endorphins flush
Through my body
And restores me,
Floods grey matter;
A healing pain
Filled with breath,
Convinced,
To sharpen up and run again.

SO what you've got here is a tidy little poem, but it's shallow. You're telling what happened but not why. Both are interesting to the reader, and good poems will address both. The reader needs to come away with something, and so you've got to tell them why running is such a joy. I think also, that you've got a bit of spill, you could cut this down a tiny bit if you want to.

To interject a thought here: You say that I should include a "Why," such as explaining why running is such a joy.

Adrenaline rush, Endorphins flush
Through my body
And restores me,
Floods grey matter;
A healing pain
Filled with breath,
Convinced,
To sharpen up and run again.

I am the writer but I'd assume that this quite well explains the "why." Adrenaline rush, Endorphins, the restoration of execise that is healing, and the sharpening up of the brain (grey matter) through oxygen flow, which all up "convinces" one to "run again."

I do appreciate your feedback, but would like to go one better and maybe ask to explain the awkwardness of the orange lines. You see all the writing I've posted on YWS, has been, sort of, stream-of-consciousness and has taken under a minute each to write. Thus, nothing is forced. This may sound ignorant or stubborn but what it is, more so, is that it makes sense to me and I need to understand the flaws through a readers eyes.

Also what is meant by spill?

Thanks, all appreciated.

It's not that the lines are wrong but you've just chosen the wrong word. E.g. "postpone" in "I postpone the hour to dream" sounds forced and artificial. Similarly, "shocked" in "shocked to the bone" doesn't feel right. Think about what sort of effect you want to create, if that word conveys that effect perfectly and whether any flowery language you use doesn't jolt the audience - it should flow with the writing.

On the other hand, I do commend you for your original subject. But as smorgasborg said, the poem needs more depth in the character. Why has the narrator decided to create a tribute to breathing, not crocodiles for example? What has made your character so passionate about the process of breathing. I do appreciate what you said about the adrenaline rush, endorphins etc. but I think this needs to be made more explicit.

8/10

Reko Black,

You have a right to ignore your critiques, but you do so at your peril. This website is remarkable for the plethora of honest and accurate critiques available to members who ask for them. Not just me, but everyone on this site has something to offer that you cannot give, and I strongly advise you to pay attention.

Criticism is by no means a referendum on you or your writing ability. Criticism is meant for improvement, there is not a person here who likes to read anything short of excellent poetry, and thus we all have a vested interest in helping people improve. Your response causes me to believe that you are under the impression that the site is meant as a praise-gathering mechanism. I would like to clarify that this is not the case.

in the future, if you disagree with a particular comment, it's best to PM the person and explain why you feel you cannot take their advice. But be open to debating the subject with that person. It often helps to understand certain choices you make unconsciously while writing, I have been greatly benefited by having to explain my rational to critics. It helps me understand the validity of my choice.

***

Regarding my critique, I believe that all my original comments still hold up. The portion that you claimed to answer the question "why" reads to me like any other portion of events. See, I think if I asked someone "Why do you eat cheeseburgers?" and they responded "Because I'm hungry", that would be a poor explanation. Why not hamburgers? Why not steak? In the similar vein, I want to know "Why do you run? If it's solely to get the adrenaline rush, then I could suggest you play basketball instead.
- What about running is so appealing? Is it the solitude? Is it getting up early mornings? Is it the scenery?
Thats what I mean when I say you have to answer: "why?"

I appreciate gahks for articulating nicely what my response would have been. I add that you might want to spend more time with your rhymes, I find forced rhymes come much more out of a quick decision then over-thought. Lines like "I postpone the hour to dream" are good examples. Say this line out loud to yourself. It doesn't sound right to me, because no human being says "I think it's the hour of dreaming now". They say "It's bed-time". So this sounded unnatural, and anything that sounds unnatural and rhymes is by definition forced. It means that the poet deliberately twisted normal english to achieve a rhyme.

Spill meant that you had a bit of redundancy, a tad of recursiveness, and some repetition to top it all off. Once you fix the most major issues in the poem, (as I've tried to outline) I think you could go over it and take out the lines that say something already said, and the lines that really aren't that important. It's important to hone your words so that you say exactly what you mean with the minimum amount of words. Make it trimmer.

This is not the worst poem I've read on this site by far. On the contrary, it's closer to good then not. But you need to be willing to take advice. Need a second opinion? There are plenty of people here who would be more then willing to add their input.

Hello! Welcome to YWS!

Checking out of routine
I postpone the hour to dream.

**I don't think that this was forced. It looks like is should be but once you find the beat to it its flows nicely.

At about eleven thirty;
Dark, cold, night;
Only streets streaming light.

**"Dark, cold, night;" seems like it should be more detailed. Those words are used to often. I like your last line, but again, more description.

Walking out to the gate,
Prepared,
In the shoes of the shoeless man.

**Nice metaphor at the end. It makes you wonder "How could you be prepared in the shoes of a shoeless man?" or no shoes. Which in metaphoric terms would usually represent being unprepared. I like your contradiction, especially when you continue the idea on to the next stanza.

Callous feet,
Toes and heels shocked to the bone
Through the skin from the stones,

**"Toes and heels shocked to the bone" doesn't seem like it fits here. I don't know if it's just the word shocked that seems sort of alien or if it's the roughness of the word bone. Hmm, I'll type out my thoughts. "Toes and heels shocked to bone." or "Heels and toes, shocked to bone." I think it does better if you put a comma after toes, and then make the third line into two separate lines. Like so:
"Toes and heels, shocked to the bone
Through the skin
from the stones,"
*I'm not sure why, but it seems more effective to me that way. Like there's a greater impact. The last line flowed really well.

Pacing rhythmically
Out of time to the metronome,
Breathing in blurs
Stiching a path from home,
Down the road
Existing in illumination,
Sewn to the river.

**I really like this picture you've created. It flows awkward when you read it at first though. It isn't the words you use, it's the way you placed you line breaks. Also, I think you need a period after home.

I set back from the wharf,
Muscles inflated,
be-lated,
Excuses created;
Adrenaline rush, Endorphins flush
Through my body
And restores me,
Floods grey matter;
A healing pain
Filled with breath,
Convinced,
To sharpen up and run again.

**Those first four lines were brilliant. I also liked the ending, but from the first four lines until the ending it all seems rushed. The rest was full of such beautiful metaphors and then here it turned into something a little cliche. "restores me" "healing pain" "adrenaline rush" It's all been done before. I think if you just made this whole stanza one big metaphor and stuck with that idea throughout, it'd be better off.

That's it! You're idea was great. All it needs is a better flow and transition from one line to another. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Checking out of routine
I postpone the hour to dream.
At about eleven thirty;
Dark, cold, night;
Only streets streaming light. - Nice rhyme.
Walking out to the gate,
Prepared,
In the shoes of the shoeless man. - that sounded funny (funny - haha)

Callous feet,
Toes and heels shocked to the bone
Through the skin from the stones,
Pacing rhythmically
Out of time to the metronome,
Breathing in blurs
Stiching a path from home,
Down the road
Existing in illumination,
Sewn to the river. ... Wow. Deep

I set back from the wharf,
Muscles inflated,
be-lated,
Excuses created;
Adrenaline rush, Endorphins flush
Through my body
And restores me,
Floods grey matter;
A healing pain
Filled with breath,
Convinced,
To sharpen up and run again.

Wow. I liked it - I really liked it. The rhyming scheme was awesome and I liked the 'walking in the shoes of a shoeless man.' even though it wasn't supposed to be funny.
So deep. So poetic. Your a freakin' awesome poet
KEEP WRITING!