A Message (WARNING: if you dont like the truth, read this!)

A message,
to the world
full of hate
that rages throughout
us all.
Causing
wars that go on eternally.
Famlillies destroyed.
Separated,
for life.
Hearts broken.
Tears shed.
Lives lost,
and blood spilt.
What has this
world come to?
Fights and death,
cover us all.
The blood on your hands,
leave stains,
that cannot be washed away.
Your hate of one another,
has destroyed
our love.
Your war together,
will NEVER be won!!!!

Ooh, that was so good until the last line! >.< I'm not sure if this was part of the poem or just something you said yourself. But...

-and thats the truth!

...kinda ruined it for me.

Lol. Not by much, but it threw off the balance a little and didn't exactly fit quite well with the poem. You kept me entertained the whole time, but something about that just... didn't fit. That's saying if that was even part of your poem. If it wasn't, then I thought you did very well.

Good job with expressing yourself! Best wishes.

~*Syd*~

I think you did a good job, but the rhythm was off again. That's the only thing that needs work--I think that your subjects are really good.

But I do agree with Syd, is the very end part of the poem? Because if not...good, if so, get rid of it

I liked the starkness of your poem, however I really wanted you to prove what you were saying. Good poetry should fill the reader with a picture of the hopelessness, the stupidity even of the situation. You just stated it like fact. The closest you came to giving me a picture was the blood stained hands part, but even that picture is so overused that it doesn't really work. So in conclusion, I think you are on to something here, but I think you need to flesh it out.

thanx...that last part wasnt part of the poem i was just sayin what i was thinkin....

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I liked the poem, last line and all.

Keep up the good work fellow Georgian.

This was quite beautiful, with its stark simplicity. I liked it, but I do agree that the last line threw off the balance. It was still a nice poem with it, but I think it could be a bit stronger without it.

Lovely job. Keep writing.

~GryphonFledgling

I can sum this entire poem up in one word: Bland.

I didn't like it at all: the idea is overused, the rhythm is virtually nonexistent, and it just sounds terrible. And by sounds, I mean that literally -- reading it aloud would be a painful experience.
You have way too many things going on, here: Take an idea and run with it.

For example: Instead of a poem whose subject is too broad to be covered in one poem, focus on the separated family, the feelings of a soldier who has killed, or the simple foolishness of battle.

Hearts broken.
Tears shed.
Lives lost,
and blood spilt.

Never ever, and I mean ever, use lists like this in poetry. Why? Because you're telling and not showing. And that's what I mean by take an idea and run with it. (See above.)

Also, just a little bit on subject: Wars have always been around. Fighting is nothing new to the human race. 'What has the world come to' is just lame when you consider how many bloody eras the human race has endured.

Speaking of battles, while you're running with an idea, be sure to put in details of what battle or era you're using. A Civil War battlefield is sure to be quite different from one in Iraq 07, yes? Each has their own trials, which is good for us, the angst-lovers of poets.

You also need to scrap the last line, which detracts from the already nonexistent impact of the poem.

So:

-- Show and don't tell! Take an idea and turn it into something wonderful.
-- Don't list things in poetry.
-- Use metaphors and language. And by that, I don't mean cusswords. It's always easier to trim down the purpleness of a poem than to add more on.
-- Don't be afraid to find one subject and zero in on one PART of that subject. War is too big. A battle isn't.
-- Find your own creative expressions. "Blood leaves stains that can't be washed from hands" is probably one of the oldest poetic devices EVAR. Bah.

In a nutshell? Ditch this thing. Home in on something worth writing a poem about and take it as far as it can go.

Best of luck,
Sumi

I really like this poem, and as for the crtics saying you need to show rather than tell. I believe in some poetry imagery is not needed!!

This poem is strong and significant. The last line could go but if that's how you feel and a line you would like to keep then leave it.

Well done.


Dofs...

I like this poem. It says it like things are. You are straight out about your feelings for the topic, and i admire you for your bravery.

T

TY!
(thanx)

Hi,
I really liked this poem. You told the truth about war. I honestly do not get the point of war. It's completely stupid.

My favorite line was:

The blood on your hands,
leave stains,
that cannot be washed away.

Very good imagery and I know what you mean by it, whatever you have done can never be forgotten, well that is what I get from it.

Really good looking forward to more of your work

Love,
lg*

Hey,wow this is really refreshing because you wrote it from the heart, and it vibrates throughout the entire poem, giving me as a reader a deep insight into your thoughts and feelings. So nice one.

Also, the theme of war is explored in your own unique way, albeit if there are a few cliches here and there, but its darn almost impossible to be completely free of them.

I especially liked this line, which was (excuse Northern Irish word) class:

The blood on your hands,
leave stains,
that cannot be washed away.

The ending is also almost dripping of emotion, which I experienced as I read:

Your war together,
will NEVER be won!!!!

PM me when you post more, I love to read it.

Eimearxx

thanx....hey what the heck is a CLICHE?

A cliche is something that has been really, really overused and is completely blah now. Completely unoriginal.

A better explanation.

*goes back to lurking in the Poetry forums*

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate