Oh, I Loved that Dog

Pablo was so great,
I know to be with him was fate.
His sweet brown eyes,
and the way he had content sighs.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Pablo was so good,
He did the best he could.
His fluffy waving tail,
And the way he'd never fail.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Pablo was so jolly,
Well, he was a Border Collie!
His long, lolling tongue,
And the way his bark just sung.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Pablo was the best I ever had,
He never ever made me sad.
He was my buddy--my friend,
And I know my heart will never mend.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Hm. I suggest you reveal more feelings here. Make us feel what you feel. Other than that, cute.

my edits in bold (and since i don't think i've edited your stuff before...get ready for me to be harsh [probably])

ana_is_a_banana wrote:Pablo was so great,
I know to be with him was fate. This was a good rhyme, didn't seem too forced.
His sweet brown eyes,
and the way he had content sighs. This line just didn't flow well, and the wording was really awkward too. "the way he had content sighs"? No. I don't know what to change it too, but that needs fixed.
Oh, I loved that Dog. Why do you capitalize "dog" here? You don't in the other stanzas.

Pablo was so good,
He did the best he could.
His fluffy waving tail,
And the way he'd never fail.
Oh, I loved that dog. This stanza was great... I guess the "could" with good did seem a bit forced, but other than that I liked it.

Pablo was so happy,
And he wasn't really scrappy. No, I think that this rhyme is forced. It just sounds odd in the song.
His long, lolling tongue,
And the way his bark just sung. I really liked this line.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Pablo Was Was doesn't need to be capitalized the best I ever had,
He never ever made me sad.
He was my buddy--my friend,
And I know my heart will never mend.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Overall...I think that it's cute, but you only talk about the dog, not your feelings for him. Your rhyming is very clever, and except for the once in the first stanza your rhythm was pretty much perfect. With rhythm and rhymes such as yours, you pull the reader farther into the poem all the time, which is very good. It's a cute poem, and with a bit of work on the grammar and a couple times with the wording, this could be a really good poem.

Oh, and let me say... I can critique poems pretty well, but I couldn't write one half as good as this.

Keep rhyming!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

The best thing you can do for this poem is try writing it without the rhyme. Why? Because it dominates the poem. Because that's all I can concentrate on. When I have lost all interest in what the poem is actually saying, what the point of it is, to focus on the rhyme scheme, the poem in itself has become rather pointless. Yes, we can see that the technique of rhyming has been mastered, now move further. Use it to your advantage.

An analogy (because I love analogies ^^): you wouldn't make a whole cake out of frosting and sprinkles because while it would be yummy for the first bite or two, by the time you finished your whole piece of cake, you wouldn't feel very good. Why? because there's not enough substance beneath all the frosting to keep it going. The frosting has become the main focus of the dessert rather than something yummy to add on top.

... anyway ^_^

Try to be a little more specific in the description of the narrator's affection for the dog. Right now, you could say "Oh, I loved that dog" and get the same effect without even reading the poem. Zoom in more on why Pablo was such a great dog.

Hi! I thought this was very cute; it makes me miss my dog, who's at home in the USA while I'm in Mexico!

But I do agree with Amelia to scrape off all the frosting. The rhyme just doesn't flow...ever. Sorry, but rhyming happy with scrappy is a pitiful last resort. On the positive side, this was easy to read and very heartwarming. Perfect for animal lovers.

Keep writing and good job.

Pablo was so great,
I know to be with him was fate. Aww, that lines flows so good with the poem
His sweet brown eyes,
and the way he had content sighs.
Oh, I loved that Dog. This is an awesome stanza. The dog sounds so loving and special - it makes me miss him to



Pablo was so good,
He did the best he could.
His fluffy waving tail,
And the way he'd never fail.
Oh, I loved that dog.
Wow. It flows together so beautifully - nothing forced. Great job!

Pablo was so happy,
And he wasn't really scrappy. Scrappy was pretty forced. You should of used some other word besides happy so you weren't obliged to rhyme with it.
His long, lolling tongue,
And the way his bark just sung.
Oh, I loved that dog.

Pablo Was the best I ever had,
He never ever made me sad.
He was my buddy--my friend,
And I know my heart will never mend.
Oh, I loved that dog.

All in all, wonderful poem. You expressed your feelings so freely. In my opinion, you would have been better off not rhyming, but you did a great job of it!

Wow thanks everyone for all your great crits. About the "scrappy", part, yeah... I'm changing that... Well thanks!!! It really helps!!!

Hi again Ana. I really like this. Pablo was a good dog. I miss him too. I'm sure he would be very happy if he heard this poem!
The only thing I found was that in some parts you could use diferent words to make the rhyming more natrual, but its fine as it is too. Really, really good job!

P.S. Hows Brownie? And Kuma and lola? And everyone else?

Adorable, a very loveable poem, and the dog sounded lovely. Some of the rhyming sounded a little forced, like "the way he'd never fail" - what does that mean? Also, instead of "and the way he had content sighs", I think "and his content sighs" would sound nicer. Great job, ana.

Thanks guys!

Sonni: Yes pablo would love this poem! Everyone is good. Brownie is old, Kuma is wild, and Lola is still very small...

Matt Bellamy: Thank you, I'll try to fx the rhyming!