Mental Masturbation

Molestation of the mind,
Brought to you by God, the father.

Driven into you by non-other then who?
Non-other than the sight of Catholicism.

What is this "Sunday School"
I spit upon the mind melting induced,
Corrupt morals, feeding lies of the past to make history.


Rating changed for word use in title -- Mesh

Alright, well, I'll get past the fact that I'm insulted and try to critique this.

Why not, instead of preaching to your reader, you try to present to them why you believe this? Then maybe they will believe you. Also, it is just my opinion that ruling out a large chunk of your audience (anyone who believes in God) isn't good for your writing.

Agreeing with Suzanne completely.

Ok, for your first piece of writing, it probably wasn't the best choice for you to post something like this. It's a bit (well not even a bit). It is insulting to the people who believe in Catholicism.

First impressions and all.

It's perfectly alright to express your emotions and feelings, but it isn't so when you're simply preacing to your audience about how you feel about a certain religion. Why should your audience care about how feel on the subject? What makes you think we want to read this? Give us a reason to understand you and how you feel. You tell and don't show, which is a big no-no when writing poetry. Give us some details or something that will help us try to picture what's going on in your head.

I'm sure you didn't mean this in the way it sounded (or I at least HOPE you didn't), so you may want to edit this and re-post. Not really the best way to display yourself to us as a new memeber.

Also, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but we have a rule here that states you must critique at least two other pieces of work before posting your own. Then, after that, you should critique two things for every one thing that you post. This will keep reviewing and writing in a 2:1 ratio. Also, it is polite.

Best wishes.

~*Sydney*~

While I applaud the general ideas (I wrote the biggest piece of blasphemy ever to grace a teenage forum just last night) this is little better than a church sermon. I take it you think religion just makes one believe without question.

Well, this poem does the same. Tell me.


Molestation of the mind,
Brought to you by God, the father.

Oh? It's brought to me? Are you sure it's God and not the idiots who rape his name until they make this perversion called 'religion?' Because that's what I think and you've done nothing to try to convince me otherwise.



Driven into you by non-other then who?
Non-other than the sight of Catholicism.


Should be 'none-other.' Also, the kathy word is a very clunky word to use, it does nothing for the poem but to make it trite.



What is this "Sunday School"
I spit upon the mind melting induced,
Corrupt morals, feeding lies of the past to make history.

You're asking me a question. Rhetoric, bah. This is boring. I suggest offering a sonic drive to keep me interested, offering a 'situation' to it, some interesting non-adolescent thoughts, or some better imagery.