so this is what its like to be in love

my heart aches,
as i gaze up into your beautiful eyes.
my heart skips a beat
my face,
flushed of all color.
i stutter
whispering your name,
i think to myself
so this is what its like to be in love?
i shudder
trembling like a rose shaking the morning dew
off its petals.
sighing
i cling to you,
never wanting to let you go
your kiss is like that of a sunset
creating joy so wonderful
that swells up inside of me!
so this is what its like to be in love?
big deal.

does any 1 know what im talking about?...help...

Eep! keep in mind that bumping up your posts isn't good!


This was OK. I loved the imagery you used with the rose shaking off its dew, but the ending was kind of drab. It had all that lead up and then you said "big deal" which makes the poem pointing's.

I can't figure out if you are trying to say "big deal" to love, or that it is something good. Make up your mind, and try to make more sense out of it. Also, keep in mind you want to make your reader feel, not just you.

my edits are in bold

wolvesofthenight wrote:my heart aches,
as i gaze up into your beautiful eyes. this line was good...
my heart skips a beat
my face,
flushed of all color. this last sentence was good, but you need to capitalize each letter of each new sentence.
i stutter stutter sounds wrong, that definitely jumped out at me
whispering your name, this flowed well...
i think to myself
so this is what its like to be in love?
i shudder again, shudder was odd...(and you need to capitalize "i" too) I'd find something else...
trembling like a rose shaking the morning dew cut this line off at "rose", make it two lines
off its petals.
sighing,
i cling to you,
never wanting to let you go
your kiss is like that of a sunset get rid of "that of" "your kiss is like a sunset" is fine, and sounds much better.
creating joy so wonderful
that swells up inside of me!
so this is what its like to be in love?
big deal. what?!?!?! you totally ruined the poem with this line. it was good till this. get rid of that like a...a...i don't know what, but get rid of it fast!

ok, i'm not going to post all of the times when your rhythm was off, but it was quite often. most of the time it had no rhythm at all, which doesn't make a good poem. you really need to work on your rhythm, and also your grammar. Capitalize the things that need to be capitalized! (i know i'm not a good example...). and that last line was terrible. it's like your whole poem is leading up to something, and you say "big deal"??? sorry, but i really didn't like the ending. a lot of work is needed, but this does have potential. it's just that you need to get some rhythm, and better--rhyming! also get some better words for some spots. it sounds like a weirdly written story more than a poem sometimes. work work work and these could be good.

sorry i have to be negative...

Teh Wozzinator

thanks...that helped.... well the poem really wasn't a rhyme poem it was more free verse i guess....i just write down what ever comes into my head and continue from there.....anywayz...thanks again for the advice...my poems may be al little confusing at times....even for me!