Goodbye

I just made this up right now and thought I should post it. It's not that great, tell me what you think of it! I haven't written a poem in awhile and I just had to write something...

Goodbye

You follow me,
from behind I see.
Through the
corner of my eye
it’s true,
I can see how
I still love you.
But you must go
as I can see.
You're too much
of a problem
to be with me.
You're disappearing
into the night.
A shadow no longer
I fill with fright.
That your gone
it’s all my fault.
But it was meant
to be.
For you to never
be with me.

I thought it was ok. Not the best, but still pretty good. The first thing that I want to point out as that you need to change all of your "your"s to "you're"s. You are trying to show suggestion, so the proper word is "you're". ^_^

I don't really have much to say, other than one of your lines confused me a bit:

A shadow no longer
I fill with fright.

It may be because of a lack of punctuation... but are you trying to say:

A shadow no longer.
I fill with fright.

As in two seperate sentences? If it's meant to be one sentence, it doesn't make too much sense to me. lol Otherwise, this was good.

Best wishes!

~*Syd*~

This poem isn't very original and there's nothing in it that I've never seen before. It actually would work well as song lyrics, but as poetry it's just mediocre. I know how hard it is to write a rhyming poem, I've tried many times and I've never been able to write a good one. You should try and write some free verse, so you can expand yourself creatively and use more metaphors, imagery, and creativity.

Well, it was not great but it was good.
I don't really know how to describe it since I am very bad at reviews...

well.......i dont know what to say....it was ok i guess....

It was very good except for a common mistake "your" should be you're. Good job!

Nice little simple piece.


I feel like..


It needs more.


It's good so far; but you need to build on it.


My favorite line was:

But you must go
as I can see.
You're too much
of a problem
to be with me.

Your hook at the beginning (the first 2 lines) is very well wirtten and should be kept in.

However there areparts that could be deleted and places where more description could be added. Make me feel what you're feeling.

With this;I didn't feel much emotion.

Add more. Dont be scared to take lines out.

If you need help, PM me and I will give you a hand.

Cute job
7.5/10

I think I need more description. Tell me everything you can. I didn't really do much visualizing with this piece. I need much more. Use adjectives and emotions. Let us feel your saddness and love.

The way you show me your point of view is very good but I can also tell that you're just a growing writer because of the simplicity of this piece.

This was VERY similar to how I wrote poetry at first too.

Such a lovely poem, dear! With all of the above, I would like to add that, in the first two lines, it seems like you have a "dangling modifier" (I believe that's what it's called). It appears that, in the first two lines, your back has eyes, looking at this other person. Do you see?

"You follow me,
from behind I see."

Try rearranging it so that it doesn't sound like you're twisting your head in a very painful position! =P
Or, maybe you could just add a comma after behind?

And don't forget to punctuate!

not too bad. I like its simplicity. The beginning had a bit too much repetition of "I can see/I see" -- repetition is not always bad, but with such a short poem, you'll really want to be concise and remove what doesn't ADD something to your piece.

At the end I felt like your message may have been made a slave to your line breaks... searching for tiny phrases that will fit into one line. Make sure you don't let structure govern your word choice! Also, punctuation towards the end got a little lazy. Not thinking about the line breaks, just read each sentence to yourself and ask yourself where there should be commas and periods, and if the sentence is complete. fragments make an ok poem; complete, developed thoughts make great poems.

Not bad though! Keep writing; I love those little creative urges :]
all the best,
s