Twilight Park

This is something I've written for GingerLizzy's "Describe the Scene" contest.

Twilight Park
The sun has finally set, dipping below the horizon like a spoonful of lava. From there it slowly boils and dies, shooting sprays of orange up the wall of the sky's dome. A copse of trees creates an eerie silhouette against the washed out sky. Bare branched and naked, they cast their own shadows on the ground, jumping onto the virgin snow. A winter wind drives by and rattles the tree branches together, causing the shadows to dance on the white lawn.

A doe appears out of the copse. She stands still, nose held high, and sniffs the air. Pausing like a statue, she surveys the park. It is silent, deserted in the nighttime of December. Sure of her solitude, she steps out and places the first mark on the snow. She walks across the open field where two soccer goals stand as sentinels on either end.

The lava has cooled, and now the sky is black. Clear, bright stars shine above. As light as day, yet as dark as night, the twilight covers the park, where only the doe moves on the sparkling snow.

On the edge of the park is a wall of evergreens, their treetops biting up at the sky. A branch heavy with snow snaps, breaking the secret quiet with a crack and thump. The doe leaps up and sprints past a park bench to the evergreen forest. With a flash of her white-tail, she passes like a ghost out of the park's memory, her tracks the only testament to her passing.

The sun had finally set, dipping below the horizon like a spoonful of lava.

'had' should be has, because the rest of the piece is written in the present tense.

Bare branched and naked, they cast their own shadows on the ground.

I'm not sure about the 'they cast their own shadows on the ground' bit. I mean, who else's shadows would be casting? You might be beter off to say 'they cast skeletal shadows on the ground' - use an adjective to describe the shadows, you know?

From the moonless void, they send their light to make the snow sparkle.

I think you should say 'they send down their light to make the snow sparkle'. I dunno; it could just be personal preference, but I think that sounds better. ^.^

On the edge of the park is a wall of evergreens, their treetops biting up as the sky.

Biting up as the sky? Typo, or something?

A branch heavy with snow snaps, breaking the secret quiet with a crash.

I've never really thought of snow as landing with a crash...somehow it just doesn't seem to work. *shrug* But maybe it's just me.

With a flash of her white-tail, she passes like a ghost out of the park’s memory.

I don't think 'white-tail' needs to be hyphenated...nice ending line though.


Overall, this is very pretty. You have vivid, engaging imageyr, and the pacing is good. I've read the rules/expectations for GingerLizzy's contest and this doesn't seem to be lacking any of them - I really have nothing to say. This seems like it could be a prologue for a book, or something of the sort.

Very nice! Good luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Camille

Wow! This piece is stunning! You capture the peaceful solitude of winter (not to mention the brittle serenity of a doe) beautifully! Really, I noticed very few mistakes... good job!

The sun had finally set, dipping below the horizon like a spoonful of lava..

Why is this sentence in the past tense? Just change the "had" to "has" and you'll be good. Also, this is completely your choice, but when I first read this I thought for a split second that it was "The sun had finally set, dripping below the..." I thought that was kind of cool--of course, "dipping" is lovely too...

Bare branched and naked, they cast their own shadows on the ground. One of them jumps onto the virgin snow.

1st sentence: I think it would go better if you hyphenate "bare-branched"
2nd sentence: I was disappointed in the flow of this sentence. The "One of them" part sounds weird and I got a little confused when I read it... I think you should be more clear that you're talking about a branch (which, after a few read-throughs, I assume it to be) , because otherwise it seems like maybe you're referring to a shadow or a whole tree or something.

From the moonless void, they send their light to make the snow sparkle.

I wasn't impressed with the flow of this one either... maybe you should say something like, "...send their light down, making the snow sparkle."

On the edge of the park is a wall of evergreens, their treetops biting up as the sky.

Nitpick: I thought the choice of "treetops" was kind of awkward... maybe "...their pointed tops biting up at the sky" Oh, and I assume you mean "at" rather than "as"

With a flash of her white-tail, she passes like a ghost out of the park’s memory.

I liked the idea of this, but there's a minor thing wrong with it: the doe would have left her tracks, wouldn't she? So then she wouldn't have passed COMPLETELY out of the memory of the park... unless it was blizzarding or something. Just something to think about.

Other than that, really nice piece! It was a joy to read.

Let me know if I was unclear about anything!
~Azila~

EDIT: man, Camille! Did you have to post a critique at the same time as me? And we pointed out a lot of the same things, too.

Glad you both liked it! Wow, I'm surprised at how much you found in such a small piece, but I'm glad you did because that' \s the type of nitpicking I need. I'll go edit now.

A great piece of writing. I don't think I could have pulled off this level of description. One of my few qualm is the first analogy--"like a spoonful of lava." Maybe it's just me, but I had trouble visualizing this and comparing it to a setting sun, though I do appreciate the later allusion to it ("the lava has cooled").

She walks across the open field where two soccer goals stand as sentinels on either end.

This sounds eloquent, but does it really make sense? Think of your word choice--specifically, "sentinels." For me, this sentence sticks negatively out from the rest of the piece. But perhaps it is because it mentions, for the first time, the scar of the manmade amongst the natural.

treetops biting up at the sky

This brings a negative connotation to the trees, which is fine--if this is what you are trying to express. Furthermore, "biting up at" is choppy, consider simply "biting the sky" or "biting at the sky."

A branch heavy with snow snaps, breaking the secret quiet with a crack and thump.

Whoa, great sentence. Consider putting an "a" before "thump" for rhythm.

The doe leaps up and sprints past a park bench to the evergreen forest. With a flash of her white-tail, she passes like a ghost out of the park's memory, her tracks the only testament to her passing.

Now I'm just being picky. But after the reading the first sentence here, my mind believes the doe has now left the park. But the second sentence sees the doe passing through again.


I make these points only because I'm forced to be super-critical in a desperate effort to give some constructive advice. In truth, though, I didn't think of any of these suggestions on the first read. That said, I'm very impressed.