Love poem.

This is one of my first poems.

I had an empty heart and that made me blue but not anymore.

You’ve opened the door to my heart and filled it with love.

Baby, when I’m with you, I’m no longer blue.

I want to be with you forever.

I think that you are as pretty as an eagle’s feather, that I’ll keep in remembrance of you, because I love you.

Hey, it was ok. Which poetry isn't my strength, so i can't really talk. Although, it didn't seem to have a sence of rythym, which poems need.

I'm in the same boat as Sabrina up there. I'm not a poetry critic, but I thought this was pretty. The rhythm was great. The eagle's feather was an unexpected image, but it somehow fit. Congrats on originality.

~GryphonFledgling

Okay, this is sweet. It obviously has feeling in it, and I realise it is your first poem.

Your problem comes thusly:

You're telling more than showing. Showing can come in through some description and expansion of the poem. So, the narrators heart is blue because it's empty, what colour blue? How does it feel?

You could play nicely on the concept of being blue, and how it would really be in contrast to the healthy red that hearts are expected to be. An extended metaphor of sorts that could tie in nicely with your image of the eagle feather, perhaps letting colour be a theme of your poem.

I think you have a good base, it just needs some extras to make it into a good poem, allowing for the reader to feel the narrators emotion, his pain at having an empty hear, and his joy at finding his love.

Pm me if you edit this, I'd like to see what you do with it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

it wasn't bad, but it needs better rhythm, and it was a little short too...i think it needs more detail. that's just me. (i, also, am not normally a poetry critic)