Lake Girls

Hey, so this is the first part of my novel that I'm writing. I know there are two parts there, but I'm trying to decide which one is better. So if you could please tell me which one you like better, or if you think I should change it completely. PLEASE REVIEW!


Lake Girls

Number One:

Okay so here we go. You’ve just picked up the book “Lake Girls” and what a lucky duck you are that you came across this book period. (Consider you’re next two days, or however long it takes you to read this, occupied and your sleep pattern put to a stop until you’ve read to the end.)

I hope you are taking this seriously because the book in your hands right now isn’t just your normal teen book, and it’s no Nora Roberts novel either. In your hands you hold a book that should be worth gold (not to be vain.) This is the queen of all teen books, and if you put it down, chances are the rest of your life will be shit, with a capital S-H-I-T. Okay, before you read on look down the page a bit until you see a big STOP! Written on the page. See it? Okay, make sure you stop when you get there you’ll know why soon.

Before you read any further then where it says stop, there are some simple rules you must follow. First of all WARNING! This book is rated R, or R-K-A-B for “Raunchy Kick-Ass Book.”

Rule 1: If you’re under 13, put this book down now, this is not fit for you.

Rule 2: If you’re a guy, put this down, Girls only, boys.

Rule 3: If you’re someone’s wrinkly old grandparent, put this down (I will not be responsible for your heart attack)

Rule 4: If you can’t take the words like “penis” and “vagina” seriously…omg, put this down and go get laid already.

Rule 5: Parents cannot read this…or you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. The most important rule of all

Rule 6: If you have read this far into the book and you’re still not interested, I’ve given you the label RETARD, so put this down and go get help retard!

STOP!

Just kidding, I want people to buy my book, if you follow these rules correctly then I have given you the golden pass to keep reading and if you can’t and you’re still reading, then STOP!








Number Two:

Before you read any further then where it says stop, there are some simple rules you must follow. First of all WARNING! This book is rated R, or R-K-A-B for “Raunchy Kick-Ass Book.”
Rule 1: If you’re under 13, put this book down now, this is not fit for you.

Rule 2: If you’re a guy, put this down, Girls only, boys.

Rule 3: If you’re someone’s wrinkly old grandparent, put this down (I will not be responsible for your heart attack)

Rule 4: If you can’t take the words like “penis” and “vagina” seriously…omg, put this down and go get laid already.

Rule 5: Parents cannot read this…or you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. The most important rule of all
Rule 6: If you have read this far into the book and you’re still not interested, I’ve given you the label RETARD, so put this down and go get help retard!

So, the opening part is cute, I guess, but isn't actually a story. I mean, introductions are usually written AFTER you write the book, but you can do things however you want. I liked the first part better, if I had to choose. I just... I don't know. I don't think you should start a book like this, especially if isn't even a book yet. I will be interested in reading the next parts, because the way you've described it makes it seem interesting.

I'm sorry, XD. It just kind of seems very juvenile.

This is... not a novel. It's just you insulting people, really. It's not interesting so far, and if the whole thing is like this, it won't be interesting at all.

This is a writing website, where people can post their stories and poems. This is neither.

Aww... now I have to go get laid and put your book down since I'm a boy...

I liked the second one better, with the exclusion of numbers five and six.

This is kind of like a girl's version of Richard Marcinko. You could do some research and read an intro to one of his books to get a feel how to do a good RKAB intro.

Since I liked number two more than number one [hee-hee, no pun intended], I'll do a critique of it; and no, I did not miss the fact that number two was just the second half of number one.

Before you read any further then where it says stop, there are some simple rules you must follow. First of all WARNING: This book is rated R, or R-K-A-B for Raunchy Kick-Ass Book.
Rule 1: If you’re under 13, put this book down now, this is not fit for you. Rule 2: If you’re a guy, put this down, girls only.
Rule 3: If you’re someone’s wrinkly old grandparent, put this down (I will not be held responsible for your heart attack)
Rule 4: If you can’t take the words like penis and vagina seriously…omg, put this down and go get laid already.
Rule 5: If you've gotten this far and still aren't interested, you're a RETARD.

Thanks.

That's how I'd put it. But, yeah, well, I'm just an un-laid boy so what do I know?

Sweetheart, this is no way to start a novel.

A guaranteed way to get a publisher to say "No way. What are you, on crack?" is to start off with something like this. You never want to:

-Plug yourself
-Establish rules
-Tell your reader they aren't allowed to read something. That makes a lot of people angry.
-Be patronising.

And you, my dear, have done all of the above. I'm sorry, love, but you're just going to have to start over.

When you start a novel, you want to hook your reader. You want to introduce the story, the characters, the plot, etc. in a way that will make your reader keep going. At this point, I don't know any of this information and to be perfectly honest, if I were an inexperienced reader and I just happened to pick this up in a bookstore, I would write you a very angry letter telling you how pretentious you are.

But! I am not an inexperienced reader out to make you feel like a horrible person. I am an Instructor here on YWS, and it is my job to help you improve.

So what I want you to do is this: go find your favourite book and read the first couple chapters. Take careful note about how the author introduces the characters, plot, etc. in an interesting and creative fashion. Why? Because the best way to learn is by example.

And no-one likes an egotist.

If you have any questions or would like further help, feel free to send me a PM! I'm here to help.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

P.S. Also, you need to do two critiques for each literary work you post on YWS. It helps keep things fair so that everyone gets a critique.

Hey Nicole!! It's Kelsey!! Lol.
Well first off I'd like to say what in the name of cheesemuffins do these people know how to start YOUR BOOK. They are like a years older you at the most. I'm sure they had sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much exprinces.
And to that YWS Priate, your 15 how the dandelions do you no what publishes want??
It's her book, she can write the opening any way she wants!
It's called BEING CREATIVE!!!!!!!

Call me Nicole when you see this!!
Later belle! xox

Mod Note: Please use civil language in critiques.

If you can’t take the words like “penis” and “vagina” seriously…omg, put this down and go get laid already.

You're incredebly, horrendously patronizing, like Saint said.

All I can do is make a list of suggestions, starting off with, read. This reminds me (in the slightest, smallest way) of If on a Winter's Night a Traveler because that book started with, "You are now reading Italo Calvino's new book If on a Winter's Night a Traveler." Of course from there, the book stops focusing on the book, and on the reader which is only one of your problems.

Rule 6: If you have read this far into the book and you’re still not interested, I’ve given you the label RETARD, so put this down and go get help retard!

If that is the case, I must be the biggest retard alive. Huh, I never knew that about myself.

I highly suggest you go read a book and stop thinking that writing a book as all about you. Writing a book is about the reader, and a writer should remove his/herself from the book. The writer does not exist with the book, the book may exist by the writer, but they are not interconnected. And do not tell your reader, "this is a great book" show it to them by exhibiting your skills with characters, and dialogue, and complete mastery of the English language.

Really, though, go read something. You will never find a book that starts like this, and though Calvino's book may start out as mentioned above, he may be the only author who can write a book in second person and be so captivating.

Also, please, for everyone's sake: do not use "OMG" when writing. It's childish, and your reader's will realize this quickly.

I would chose the number one.
i thought it was good.
I wan't to see what the rest of the story is like.

Hey. Personally i thought that the beginning was quite funny. I, don't know bout the rest of you guys, wanted to keep reading. I want to know what this strange book is about. :p I understand what Saint Razorblade said tho. I have never seen a book started in such a fashion. Its unique, different, a bit offensive (just a bit), but it is intriguing. I mean, what could be so astounding about it that it could give a persona heart attack? Eh? haha. Anyways I WOULD read the seond part.

Oh and i preferred the second part.

Oh and another thing, Kelsi222, dunno if you'll read this or not, but critisizing another critic is rude and arrogant. They are merely voicing their opinions as a critic and furthermore as a writer. If you have your own opinions, then voice them as much as you want, but make sure that it is on wat the writing is about, instead of wat another critic has said, unless it is something postive such as, "oh yes and i agree with what Razorblade has to say.. etc." What you did was boosting someone up, while putting another down and that is the wrong way to handle things.

Anyways back to you lakegirls. keep writing, i'd like to see where this goes. i am intrigued.

pm me back if you need anything.

chayonz