Share the Journey

Share the Journey

I wanna go on an acid trip with you
Swinging back and forth
Sitting in the sand,
running through my hands
You always open my eyes,
a new way every time
I imagine the beauty in your eye,
a twinkle when you smile
Thick thoughts gather in your room,
living in your mind
I want you to share these things with me,
osmosis though our hands




I like it... Tell me what you think!
~Yoyo

I liked it a lot, but it seems like it could be better. Some lines could express your, or whoever the poem is referring to, feelings a lot better with some stronger description. Not saying that what you have isn't already good, because it is, but I just think you can really blow your readers minds if you go above and beyond with your creativity/imagination... if that makes any sense. lol

Best wishes with your writing!

~*Syd*~

Hmm.

I think my only real problem with this poem was that it was over too fast. Sorry. Let me explain. I had to read it three times before I really grasped it, not because the poem was conceptually difficult but because there was nothing to savor. In my opinion, poetry should be like good chocolate. It should melt in your mouth, you should savor it. This was kind of like M&Ms. Nothing wrong with it precisely, just. . .
I think it needs more. More. . .chocolate.

Thanks Syd and aussie. Hehe... me likes choloclate. *wipes up drool* Um, yeah I know what you mean about extending this though. I typically do short poetry like this, but I think this one could be longer. I'll try to work on that. Thanks.

~Yoyo

Anyone else?