Young Writers Society

Monotonous drumming echoes dismally
As the soldiers march through the once cheerful streets
Feigning a precious solemnity
Though their hearts are beating
In unison to a bleak trudge
Beating in unison to the labored cries of their loved ones
Who are losing them
To their deaths
To the knowledge that their fate is at hand

Distraught faces contort in anguish
Staring down at the sight
The flower petals strewn across the cobblestone streets
Appear withered with agony
Ruined by the armies’ death march
Without their satin texture or cheerful air of majesty
And the banners suspended in the heavy morning air
Present the portrait of a country writhing in terror and fear
Music seems to fade from eager ears
And is transformed into the song of bitter defeat

The crowds silently wonder how you mourn the not yet dead
How you strengthen them though you know there is no hope
And everyone knows at that moment
That the triumphant times come after the storm
After the death and anguish
When you do not have to behold
The terrified expression on your loved one’s face
Or wonder in the presence of suspense where your loved one is

And everyone recognizes that it will be after the death
That the satin adornments will bloom with beauty again
That the banners will be thrust into the air in victory
That the music will sound in majesty
But such goodness cannot be
Not until the blood of those who sacrificed their lives
Intermingled with salty tears
Covers the hearts of the people
And defines the countenance of glory

(I would highly value some crit)

Wow, this was a really good piece.

The only thing I have to say is that the first word should be "monotonous," because you're trying to describe something.

This is really great. I thought it really captured the feelings you were trying to express here, and what it;s like to be in this situation. All the images used were very strong.

Suggestions for improvement:

(1) Some words are repeated. Try changing the words where they appear a second time.

(2) And the banners being suspended and waved in the air

This line seemed a bit long to me. I would shorten it to "The banners suspended in the air".

(3) Intermixed with salty tears

Didn't really like the word used here. I'd suggest changing it to "intermingled".

Great work, Writersdomain!

Thanks so much for your suggestions! I edited it to them. You two have helped me a lot.

As for the title, I know you said you weren't sure about it. Not particularly creative, but it suits this one poem just fine.

I liked how u put this to gether u might want to come up wthur own title that shows how u fell about this piece of writing.

I have to disagree with the above comments (don't I always?).

First, I want to say that I've read orange peels more interesting and more engaging than this. BUT don't let me criticism keep you from continuing to write in this style, because I'm not a "published" (in that I do not have a book of poetry out on the market) poet. This was, in all honesty, boring. Yawn. ZzZzZzZz. Yeah, like that: b - o - r - i - n -g.

Your imagery has been used countless times. While reading the poem, my mind constantly flashed to scenes from "Mulan" and "Nausicaa," which is never good, both for your ability to manipulate the empty words given to you by a schizophrenic culture and my dwindling sanity. I would suggest a revision to the n-th degree, because, frankly, this poem could have been said in one stanza, and the appendages of others only bogged the poem down in laborious repetition and monotonous chunks of "this is war."

I think if you would have done a better job of purveying a perhaps more original, philosophical view of war, and not the cause-and-effect side (which is done ALL the time), I would have liked this better.

Thanks Yoshiarmada and Reichieru. Thanks for commenting

Thanks, Incandescence. Yes, I tend to make things too long, I agree, I'll take a shot at shortening it soon.
I just had one question on what exactly you mean by a more philosophical view of war. I understand the more original (though I haven't read a lot of poetry so I probably wouldn't know most accurately what is original and what is not) part, but am not sure about the philosophical aspect of things.

Why is there conflict? Why is there war? Why is there this war? Why must people kill other people?Who is fighting? Why? Why are they really fighting? Does the government have a hidden agenda? Why? Who are these people? Who are their mothers? Who are their families? Do they agree with the conflict? Why? Why not? What is the conflict? What is the nature of the conflict? Could it be resolved without fighting? Does there have to be war?

Consider and perhaps write down the answers to all these questions as you revise. Please, keep writing!

Critiqued something old of yours. WAs left out on top. Feel bad. Here's a real one.

"Monotonous drumming echoes dismally

As the soldiers march through the once cheerful streets

Feigning a precious solemnity"

Seems here that you've accidentally cluttered yourself with useless words and failed to fully give me a pigment, a prime feeling of the situation you're attempting to convey. Upon closer observation, most of this falls to redundancy. Observe. Monotonous and dismal are commonly attributed to each other. To hint at the streets once being cheerful begs for a further explanation, but also for you to scrap the next few following lines.

We get it, sad streets. Bring us to the streets, invite us to the gutter. "he streets were once cheerful, dressed in bouquets and streamers, the news broke like waves of white noise into the city street
now we're stranded on a pavement beach, alone."

Blah blah blah. Catch my drift? Your verbs should move with the picture, as the picture, through the picture. Lines like "bitter defeat" actually tell me NOTHING! Bitter, an emotion, like a color. how do we connect? My red may be your green, my sadness your ecstasy. They work in context. If you set up a flavor metaphor, then bitter defeat helps to tie your piece together.

Right now, it's clumsy. If you're confused on exactly what I'm getting at, send me a PM, I'm more lucid in private.