Gone

I turn and see the look in his eyes,
The words he speaks I can't deny.
The world slows down, all is still,
Our hopes and dreams we'll never fulfill.
Everything goes into slow motion,
My world is torn, my sweet devotion
For you I said would never end,
Not just my lover, you were my friend.
I can't believe you will never be here,
To hold my hand, chase away my fears.
Now you are fading away into dust,
I will never forget you, though I know that I must.
Life ain't all joy, it's not all that it seems,
I love you, I'll see you in my dreams.

This is just something I wrote today during english class...It's about the same guy in my previous poem, To Cameron. The beginning is where the guy tells "me" that he's dead, and the rest are just "my" feelings. Critiques would be most helpful!

I really like this. It's very very sweet and painful at the same time. My only suggestion is to make this longer!!! It's really good. Erm...I think that's it. You're spelling and grammar was good and it was just...Good!

Great job,
Nariel

TheForgottenAuthor --

This is good, in a simple kind of way. You rhyme well and the grammar is good, but it isn't my kind of poetry.

I like poems that have hidden meanings, beautiful imagery, and subtle emotion.
I'm sorry to say that this has none of those things.
There is little - almost no - imagery, and that alone is enough to make me dislike it. There is obviously emotion but it's rather self-centered: Why should I care about this? You need to consider the reader's feelings and entwine them into this poem, though I understand how this would be hard when you have confined yourself to rhyming every line. ^_~

As far as hidden meaning go, this is barren. There's nothing to hint at hidden links; it's just a standard representation of your feelings for some guy.
But not all poems have to be sophisticated and subtle and deep. Yours is simple - I know some people prefer that kind, but I don't.

I would suggest reading some poetry both on YWS and from published books.
On the site, here are some outstanding and inspirational poets: Cade, Incandescence, xanthan gum, whence, Amelia. Read some of their work, and be amazed.

I know this review sounds harsh, but hopefully it will help you improve your poetry. As I said, this isn't bad. It's just not my thing.
You might see this in a picture book, or a magazine for budding poets. More the first than the latter, though.

I started off with rhyming poetry too - and even though my poetry now is still rather horrid - I've found that by breaking free of it's restrictions, you can express yourself more clearly and include more imagery.

Good luck with this, and feel free to PM me with any questions and/or comments! :}

Hope this helped,
Camille

I love it, I think it's beautiful. I think what makes writing most beautiful is when it comes from a real experience and it gives it much more "umph" and power. Keep writing ^_^.

It's a very nice poem, it has a beautoful sound to it. ^_^ I enjoyed reading it.

The world slows down, all is still,
The hopes and dreams we'll never fulfill.

Changing 'our' to 'the' is my only real suggestion. It's the only thing that stood out to me.

Keep it up!

Thank you everyone!
The "our" suggestion made a good point...and I had originally made it "the" but I wanted to make it sound like it was both his and my "hopes and dreams".
I'm really glad you guys like this!