Anna

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The woman paced on the street corner, her high heels clacking against the hard pavement. The sky was clear, and the star shined their faces down on the people. Night was beginning to spread its shadowy wings, and a different breed of people was coming onto the streets.

The difference was in their faces. In the daytime, you could see kindness on anyone’s face. At night, though, after the sun went down, then things began to change. People didn’t try to conceal their true selves any more; you could see their souls through the eyes.

Anna was dressed in a short skirt and a low cut top. They had been cheap, and suited her purpose perfectly.

She wasn’t worried about the police coming for her. They had long since stopped patrolling for women like her. It seemed as if they were above suspicion in the investigations. That suited her fine.

As she strutted up and down the sidewalk, she resisted the urge to take the packet of cigarettes from her pocket and smoke one. A man wouldn’t even spare a second glance to a woman who smoked; not a man with the usual tastes, anyway.

Even as her hand began to creep down to the pocket which held her lighter and the cigarettes, a car began to slow down. Anna strutted over to the car as the window began to roll downwards. “Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” said the man. He seemed to be sweating. Anna smiled; a businessman. They were always the most nervous around her. He was wearing a suit, and kept pulling at the neck of it.

“What’s your name?”

“It- it- it’s Ryan.” The man managed a nervous smile, and she returned it to him.

“All right, Ryan. You’re looking for a good time, aren’t you?”

Ryan gaped at her for a second, and then nodded.

“Well, how about we go to my place then? I’ve got it set up all nice and special. I’m sure you’ll get what you deserve there.” She licked her lips, and he swallowed.

“Okay,” he said.

She walked around to the other side of the car, swinging her hips from side to side as she did. His eyes followed her movements, and she relished the attention. Pulling open the door, she got inside the car. “Well,” she said, and began to laugh.

He laughed as well, but she could hear his nervousness. “Is this your first time, honey?”

“N- N- No! Of course not!” The man looked indignant now.

She grinned at him, and his anger dissipated. “Well then. Let’s go my place. I’ll give you directions.”

Ryan started to drive as she told him which way to go. As he concentrated, she put her hand on his leg and began to stroke it. He jerked in his seat, his eyes flickering from her hand to the road. Then he relaxed.

“Your house is out of the city?” he asked, when she directed him past the city’s outskirts. “Then why were you so far in?”

“A girl has to work, you know.”

“I guess so.” His nerves seemed to be going away, so Anna tried to continue the conversation.

“So, what do you do?”

“I’m a businessman.”

“Oh, really? What sort of businessman? Turn left.” She pointed as well.

“I work at a car company.”

“That must be interesting.”

The man laughed. “Yeah, sure it is.”

“See that side road? Yeah, that one. Go up that, and then turn down the driveway.”

They went up the driveway, and then both got out of the car. “Why do you live out here? It’s so isolated.” Ryan looked around at the trees which surrounded both sides of the road.

“I live out here because it’s isolated.”

“I can understand that.”

“Let’s go in.”

The two of them walked into the small house. “Sorry about the lack of – everything,” Anna said, and laughed.

Ryan laughed. “It’s all right. I know how hard it is for women to live by themselves.”

Anna shot him a sideways glance, but didn’t reply for a few seconds. “The bedroom?”

“Yeah.”

She walked in front of him, guiding him to the room. When they entered, he looked around in astonishment. The furnishings were even more sparse than in the other rooms. The only things in the room were a bed and a small chest of drawers beside it.

Ryan breathed in. “Do I smell smoke?”

“Probably. I’m always cooking. I just can’t seem to make the smell go away. Is it bothering you?”

“No, it’s a nice smell.”

“Maybe you and I can do our own cooking?”

“Maybe.”

“Right. Lie down on the bed. We’re going to play a bit of a game.”

Ryan lay back on the bed, and Anna took a pair of hand cuffs from the drawer. At the sight of them, Ryan sat up, but she pushed him back down. “It’s all right,” she said. “This is going to make it fun.”

He struggled for a moment longer, but she leaned down and kissed him. All resistance went out of him, and he lay back down.

She stretched his arms out and cuffed each one to a bedpost. Another pair came out of the drawer, and she cuffed his feet to the posts at the other end. “Now,” she said. “I need to be getting back to the streets.”

Ryan laughed a little, although the colour had begun to leave his face. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Of course not. I’ve got work to do!”

“But – you have to untie me!” He tried to sit up, but couldn’t. The cuffs were too tight.

“Why?”

There was silence for a few seconds. Then, “Because I told you to!”

“What difference does that make?”

“They’ll find you! They’ll put you in jail!”

“Don’t be silly. This isn’t my house. It’s been abandoned for years.”

He began to pull at the handcuffs. The bed posts rattled, but held firm. “Help! Help! Please, let me go!”

“You’re so noisy. I’m worried that someone might find you. Oh, I know!”

“What?” the man asked in a pathetic voice. He didn’t try to struggle any more.

Anna didn’t say anything. She pulled the lighter from her pocket, and moved closer to him. Leaning down over him, she pressed the button and a flame emerged, dancing in the slight breeze of her breath.

“How can you do this?” he said.

“Well, it does get quite annoying. You don’t know how many duvets I’ve burned before. And they’re getting so expensive!”

The remaining colour drained from his face. “You’ve done this before?”

“A million times. And it’s all because of assholes like you, who think that they can just do what they want with women.”

His eyes bulged. “But-“ He began to scream for help again.

“Don’t be so dramatic. In a few minutes, you won’t feel a thing.” She lowered the lighter to his shirt, and watched a tongue of flame began to lick at his shirt, spreading fast. Ryan’s screams became shriller, and tears poured from his eyes.

Anna took the packet of cigarettes from her pocket, and then pulled one out. She put the tip to the flame that was even now lighting the duvet on fire. Putting the cigarette in her mouth, she left the room, heedless to the man’s screams.

As she smoked, she watched to see if any traffic would go by. She didn’t need any prying eyes. None did, though. It was after midnight, and people rarely ventured out of their houses, let alone the city, at that time.

After she had finished, she went back inside. The man’s screams had stopped now. He had been engulfed by the flames. The duvet was on fire, and the mattress below was smoking.

Anna pulled a fire extinguisher out from the chest of drawers, and put the fire out. She touched a figner to the corpse, and winced at the residual heat. Picking up the extinguisher again, she sprayed him until the heat left his body. After touching him again and discerning that he had cooled down, Anna carried him into the lounge and sat him in the one chair that inhabited the room. “Poor guy,” she said, and smirked.

She went back to the bedroom and gathered up the duvet. Now, she had work to do.

Anna picked up the rubbish bin, brush, and shovel. She took them to her room, and swept the ashes into the bin. Then she took the mattress cover off and put it into the washing machine. After turning it on, she stood up and smiled.

Anna unhooked the hand cuffs from the bedposts, and after washing them under the sink, put them back into the drawer.

She walked to the driveway and got into the man’s car, grateful that he had left the key in the ignition. The radio was tuned to a country music channel, and she searched until she found rock music. She sang all the way into the city. No one crowded the streets now. Darkness had shown its face, and the people had retreated.

She drove the car into an alleyway far from her own corner, and then pulled a pair of gloves from her other pocket. Putting them on, she rubbed any places down that she had touched. She left the car, and began her walk back to the usual spot.

When she got there, she waited to see if there would be any more customers tonight.

xD Well, this popped into my head when Suz said there's a lack of women killing men in stories... So I'm not taking responsibility for it. :P Kidding.
Last edited by Insomnia on Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:13 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Interesting. I liked it, I've read loads of stories about prositutes, but this was very original.

The women stood on the street corner, her high heels clacking against the hard pavement.


This needs the either be, The woman, or their high heels.

read


road

I need to be getting back to the street.


This bit bothered me. I think you should say streets, instead of street.

"Of course not. "I've got work to do!"


"Of course not. I've got work to do!"

Aprt from those things, it was good. The plot was really intriguing, I would love to know more about this woman. She's very mysterious.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Very interesting. I liked this. And yes, I agree with chocoholic: this is very original.

The difference was in their faces. In the daytime, you could see kindness on anyone’s face. At night, though, after the sun went down, then things begun to change. People didn’t try to conceal their true selves any more; you could see their souls through the eyes.


I really liked this part. Very good description.

I don't really see anything wrong with this. You describe your characters perfectly, except maybe you could do a little bit more description on your main character.

Otherwise, very good and I'm sorry for the short critique. :)

Nariel
It's the very witching time of night.




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That was a very, very good story.

However I would say that after three minutes I highly doubt a man would have become ashes. My guess would be a skeleton with charred and blistered skin covering large portions of the bone.

Other than that, excellent!




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*creeps out of the depths of the poetry forums*

Love the surprise ending, I must say. I love stories where women kill men. I think you run into some problems when it comes to realistic dialogue and characterization.

Storm clouds were gathering overhead, and occasionally, an ominous rumble sounded.
Possibly one of the most overused expressions/images EVER in literature. I say, get rid of it. Find a new way to express impending doom.

a different breed of people were coming
Breed is singular, so you ought to use "was" rather than "were".

then things begun to change
Began. I know second-graders who wouldn't make that mistake.

A man wouldn’t even spare a second glance to a woman who smoked.
Why? Maybe some men like nicotine-ridden prostitutes...this needs to be explained.

She sung all the way into the city.
I think this ought to be "sang."

Dialogue. The first conversation between Anna and Ryan-the-businessman is too predictable. We've all seen the same thing happen exactly like that on TV. Prostitute approaches nervous businessman, she says something sexually provocative, etc. While this does build up to the surprise ending, I'd like something that didn't come straight out of SVU.
The conversation that follows--from the car to Ryan's death--doesn't do much either.
I want realistic conversation, I want unique conversation, I want conversation that says a lot about the characters. Ryan is too flat...he has a generic personality. I don't think he reacts realistically to the situation. The one thing I like about his speech--when he says, "Because I told you to!" That shows a lot about how he feels in relation to her. That she is below him even when she has complete control over him. Good.

Characterization. Anna is a more interesting character, but that only means you need to develop her more. What are her insecurities? Why might she do something like this? It's fine and dandy that she kills men and all, but why? What's in her past that drives her to do it?

Being realistic...the house. How does she get in if it's been abandoned for years? Why doesn't anyone notice? How does she burn people without setting the rest of the place on fire? If the house is abandoned, why are there lights (?) and a working washing machine? How can she burn a guy on the bed and keep the mattress cover intact? (She puts the mattress cover in the washing machine, so I'm assuming it's just dirty, not burnt.)
Also, I find it unlikely that Ryan would have become a pile of ashes that quickly.

-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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Lol, this wasn't bad. It was certainly unique, but it reminded me a little of that movie, Monster.

xD Well, this popped into my head when Suz said there's a lack of women killing men in stories


Would you say that there are a lot of stories with men killing women? *Only teasing* I think most of the stories are just men killing men. Anyway, it was pretty original. It read a lot like a prologue.

If I was going to use this as a prologue to a serial killer novel, I would have it from the man's point of view. You wouldn't want to learn so much about your killer this early in the mystery, it would spoil it.

I have to agree that the dialogue is a little unrealistic.

“All right, Ryan. I think I know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for a good time, aren’t you?”


Cut out the "I think you know what you're looking for". It's extraneous.

That one line there was the worst part. All in all, it's not horrible, it's just not excellent. *Trying to put that gently*

As far as the guy burning up in 3 minutes went... I don't think there's a way in hell someone would be in ashes in just 3 little minutes, short of being tossed in a furnace.

Of course *thinking originally* if she doused him and the bed with something like Everclear -available in 190 proof-, gasoline, or kerosene he would go up in flames pretty fast.

*Gets disturbing thoughts*

As he concentrated, she put her hand on his leg and bean to stroke it.


I think you meant to say "began to stroke it."

Anyway, other than the dialogue, it was excellent: Top notch.
'Merikuh!




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very well done. I am afraid to say that this touched my inner evil and had me giggling. I liked this a lot.
The only bad thing I found about this was that it wasn't long enough...I just wanted more XD I would like to see more of this.




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Thanks for all the crits, guys. I actually did have more of a reason why she does what she does, but I'll detail that further when I do more on the story. I've edited the spelling and grammar things, and I'll work on the dialogue soon.

The problem with that is, I don't know how they would actually talk. >.< I've never actually seen any of the shows like SVU, but I'll try to do my research and make this a bit more realistic. :)




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The woman paced on the street corner, her high heels clacking against the hard pavement. The sky was clear, and the star shined their faces down on the people. Night was beginning to spread its shadowy wings, and a different breed of people was coming onto the streets.

I liked the imagery in this first piece. But star should be stars ^__^

Overall, i enjoyed reading it. But Mat... The detail kind of makes me wonder about you :lol: What exactly aren't you telling us?? :shock:



"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore