Tree

This is my first poem posted, hope you like it! Please tell me what you think! I'm not very good at writing poems on the side like most people do so if you have any suggestions about that tell me! So here it goes...

"Tree"

Buds then leaves
are on your
limbs,
all falls off and you turn thin.
But in the spring
comes buds a new, hoping
that it will turn
to you to give it life
and fall again
comes the cycle that will
never end unless you cut that
poor tree down. Say
good-bye until it's found
a seed that fell on to
the ground. Now say hello to
the little leaf that will
be a tree, giving air and a
home to breath for
the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without
the bark. The tree
will never grow, so please don't
chop our trees done, your
actions will surely show.

For a first poem this isn't bad. I think that it can be edited.

For example:

'Buds then leaves
are on your
limbs'

AND

'all falls off and you turn thin'

Can be put into one verse. Mind you I'm not good myself but I know a good writer when I see one.

Keep writing!!

~ Loz

I agree with Lauren about spacing.

Hm.
First off, your message is a bit muddled. I can't tell if you're talking about the Circle of Life, or Save our Forests.

Think about what you want to portray here. What do you want me to think? To feel?

Your flow is off. At the end of the first verse and the midsection of the poem, it sounds forced. This makes it difficult to read, especially with the odd punctuation and breaks between lines. Towards the end it gets better though.

Overall, I think you can be very creative with this. Think of the message you want to send us, and then do it. :D:D:D I suggest writing this down on paper, asking other people [besides us] what they think, and then post. :D:D:D
PM me if you need anything
<

Ah... your title... *rubs back of neck with arm* I can't help but feel like I'm being shouted at. No worries though. Um as for the poem it was OK it didn't really stick out to me so uh... Sorry.

Alright. This isn't... horrible. It's just kind of... ehh.
1. Please fix your title. "Tree" would suffice, but "Please Read My Work!!!" doesn't work.


"Buds then leaves
are on your
limbs,"

Try using a period at the end, rather than a comma.

"comes buds a new, hoping"

I think it should be more like: "come buds a new, hoping".

"that it will turn
to you to give it life
and fall again
comes the cycle that will
never end unless you cut that
poor tree down."

Whoa. Can you say run-on sentence?

"a seed that fell on to
the ground."

on to=onto.

The rest of the poem was fine as far as punctuation goes, if my proof-editng skills serve me correctly. The whole thing was kind of... blah. You could make it more poetic by using more describing words. Don't tell me, show me.

On the other hand, you write incredibly well for an eleven-year-old, so don't worry. I hope you'll keep writing, and working on it. You have a lot of potential.

--Quippie.

Thank you iQuippie for noticing that I'm 11 and my work isn't going to be as great as someone that is older. I have asked other people what they think and they said they liked it.
Actually I did write it down on paper, except it was shaped like a tree. So it looked better on the other one. If anyone can tell me how to write it on the side then please tell me.

OMG! This is really good! I loved it!

I liked it, good job on imagery. But you do need to break it up, perhaps into sesons.

interesting......

my edits are in bold

kittykat wrote:This is my first poem posted, hope you like it! Please tell me what you think! I'm not very good at writing poems on the side like most people do so if you have any suggestions about that tell me! So here it goes...

"Tree"

Buds, then leaves
are on your
limbs,
all falls No "s" on "falls" off and you turn thin.
But in the spring
comes buds a new, hoping
that it will turn shorten this line
to you Split this line here- make it "turn to you," and then another space to give it life
and fall again
comes the cycle that will
never end Split the line here unless you cut that
poor tree down. Say
good-bye until it's found
a seed that fell on No space needed between "on" and "to", make the word "onto". to
the ground. Now say hello to
the little leaf that will
be a tree, giving air and a
home to breath for And a home to breathe? Change this to "Giving a home, and air to breathe, for all the animals that will need."
the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without
the bark. The tree
will never grow, so please don't
chop I would put a comma here because it makes the poem flow better, even though it wouldn't make sense in a story our trees [s]done[/s]down, your
actions will surely show.

I thought that it was a nice poem with a good message, and when you sometimes rhymed it worked really well. The rhythm was off in a few places, but mostly I'll leave that up to you. This is how I would edit the poem (the poem according to Teh Wozzinator!!!):

Buds, then leaves,
are on your limbs,
all fall off and you turn thin.
But in the spring,
come buds anew! Hoping
to turn,
to you.
To give it life,
and fall again,
comes the cycle,
that will never end,
unless you cut
that poor tree down.
Say goodbye until it's found,
a seed that fell onto the ground.
Now say hello to a little leaf,
that will be a tree,
Giving a home, and air to breathe,
for all the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without the bark,
The tree will never grow.
So please don't chop, our trees down,
Your actions will surely show.

I really liked your rhyming, how sometimes it wasn't really there, sometimes you could barely tell, and sometimes it was prominent. Your rhythm was a bit off, but I edited some (if not all) of that out... at least, that's what I think. I really liked the poem, it's very good, and has a good message.... It could be a really good poem with some edits. If you did at least some of the stuff I posted I think it'd be better, but that's just me....

I really liked it, so keep writing!!!!!

Your weapon maker...

Teh Wozzinator

It was cute. I remember when I was 11, 6 years ago.

Anyway, that's not true. Just because people are older, doesn't mean that their poems are going to be better. I have wrote some crappy poems, but you learn from them.

Good work!

Hey there, kittykat!

I am very impressed that you can write things like this at eleven (I don't even think I could write poems a year ago... and I'm still an amateur now) but as a poem, this has lots of room for improvement.

Firstly, I think you can use more interesting language. It's hard to rhyme using metaphors and similes, but I think your adjectives could be more colourful. For example:

Say
good-bye until it's found
a seed that fell on to
the ground. Now say hello to
the little leaf that will
be a tree, giving air and a
home to breath for
the animals that will need.

You could replace 'good-bye' with 'farewell' and 'little' with 'small' to make it sound less childish. Also, 'on to' is just one word.

Anyways. This is cute, but kind of shallow. It's very simple - no hidden meanings, but taking into consideration your age, that's fine. You have lots of potential and keep writing poems - one day you'll be great, with practice.

Cheers,
Camille

[quote="kittykat"]This is my first poem posted, hope you like it! Please tell me what you think! I'm not very good at writing poems on the side like most people do so if you have any suggestions about that tell me! So here it goes...

"Tree"

Buds then leaves
are on your
limbs,
all falls off and you turn thin.
But in the spring
comes buds a new, hoping
that it will turn
to you to give it life
and fall again
comes the cycle that will
never end unless you cut that
poor tree down. Say
good-bye until it's found
a seed that fell on to
the ground. Now say hello to
the little leaf that will
be a tree, giving air and a
home to breath for
the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without
the bark. The tree
will never grow, so please don't
chop our trees done, your
actions will surely show.[/quote]


This needs some edititing but i will help with that first of all is,

Buds then leaves This should be in one line.
are on your
limbs,

If it is a poem make it look like a poem this is a kind of narrative.



Well thats all for now happy writing Gothgirl01

"Buds, then leaves,
are on your limbs,
all fall off and you turn thin.
But in the spring,
come buds anew! Hoping
to turn,
to you.
To give it life,
and fall again,
comes the cycle,
that will never end,
unless you cut
that poor tree down.
Say goodbye until it's found,
a seed that fell onto the ground.
Now say hello to a little leaf,
that will be a tree,
Giving a home, and air to breathe,
for all the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without the bark,
The tree will never grow.
So please don't chop, our trees down,
Your actions will surely show. "

Using the editted form by Sir Wozzell here. Though

"So please don't chop, our trees down, "

Shouldn't have the comma after "chop". Say it out loud and it doesn't make sense.

"Now say hello to a little leaf,"
A leaf is not a seed, so that line is just awkward.

Meter doesn't follow at all. It just randomly jumps without basis or reason.
Imagery is good.
Motive is obvious and the emotion is as well. Since it was supposed to be, that's good, but it would be more intriguing if you dropped:

"for all the animals that will need.
You cannot have leaves without the bark,
The tree will never grow.
So please don't chop, our trees down, "

With some other edits I've not detailed I've rewritten a piece, corrected for logic and tried to leave you with a more powerful poem piece:

"Leaves, then buds
are on your limbs,
all fall off and you turn thin.
But in the spring, you renew
come buds anew!
The cycle that will never end,
Say goodbye until it's found,
to a leaf that fell to the ground.
Now say hello to a little seed,
that will be a tree,
Giving a home, and air to breathe,
Your actions will surely show. "

For an eleven year old, this is quite good; however, please pay attention to where you break your lines. There should be a reason for everything in a poem--every single comma, one word instead of another synonym, and yes, even (and especially) the line-breaks. They seem rather random here, especially since if you broke the lines in other places this poem would have quite a nice rhythm, and maybe even a bit of a rhyme scheme. Keep up the good work--remember, it's better to overthink in the beginning than it is to underthink! If you have any questions, you know where to find me.

Emer