Forbidden Fruit

My waterfalls,
My dripping, lazily
In a forest of cumquat trees.
Lips moist with anticipation.
Waiting for the arrival of your
Poetic tongue.
Starving for a string of words
To lather on
My lyric taste-buds.
I sit still,
Beneath the shade of a branch
Birthing that of the forbidden fruit.
And stir slightly, when the air
Is disturbed.
My ears perk
My mouth dries.
I smolder you
with a look of longing.
But you keep silent
And reach into the branches
And hand me the fruit.
The notes of your
Descending down my hill.
Leaving my forest.
Still remain
a song to my ears.

---
Okay, I'm trying to get something out... but I can't. So...yeah.

You have all these beautiful images, but what is the subject of the poem? It is like the other one. It is beautiful, but what point are you trying to make? I haven't a clue. You can use all the pretty pictures to further the subject, envelop the subject. I think you could use more senses than just the eyes, as well, if gets a bit bland to only be seeing things.

Perhaps Rieda should read some poetry? Longfellow is someone I'm in love with right now, haha. It might give you an inspiration, and a better idea of what you are trying to get out.

(likewise, you seem to have the same problem as me. You know what makes good poetry and you can critique poetry, but you cannot write it how you would like.)

Your poem is very moving, but I couldn't see the main idea. Is there some central point?

Imagery- Your imagery is nice here, but like Suz said, maybe less visual imagery would serve you well. I would also cut down on "poetic tongue" and "lyric taste-buds". While they sound cool, you have nothing concrete to give them life.

Line Breaks- Line breaks are not something that should be taken lightly, and in this poem, I think you use them too often, detracting from their effect. Since you seem to be using the words to a romantic or sexual effect, I think maybe slowing things down in the right places would be appropriate, and the best way to do that would be to make your line breaks in the right spots.

Done before and not really working- "My ears perk", "my mouth dries", "a song to my ears". These phrases are so overused that they mean nothing anymore. I would drop them and find another way to describe them, something more original.

Er... hmm. If anything, I would have said, "What, dirty Bible scenes? What?" It sounds pretty, but you're right -- there's no connection, at least not the connection I think you're trying to make, which isn't the one I made. Right? What were you attempting to convey, here? Maybe we can help?

Okay, what I was trying to say was while she's in this beautiful place she's still waiting for this guy to come and...seduce? I don't really want to use that word because she takes it willingly. More like, just he himself is being compared to poetry. The way he speaks, moves, everything... (if this isn't making sense tell me lol) and she's developed a need for it. So, let me start over, with that in mind: She's in this beautiful place, with all of the temptations around her (Hence: forbidden fruit) and yet she needs something else to quench her thirst. Which is the guy. The temptation is apparently no match for what he is. So she waits here for him to come again. But when he does he drops the whole act and just hands her one of her many temptations and leaves. The whole point of this was to convey the message: You can have better, so why have me? type thing. But when he leaves she doesn't feel bad about it she just sees it as a kind gesture, like: Thanks for telling me. So, as you can see, the message was poorly portrayed. I think I actually wrote it for myself and that's why the message is only clear to me. I'd love to fix it though so that others could see what I was talking about. Any suggestions?

~Rieda

Riedawriter23 wrote:Okay, what I was trying to say was while she's in this beautiful place she's still waiting for this guy to come and...seduce? I don't really want to use that word because she takes it willingly. More like, just he himself is being compared to poetry. The way he speaks, moves, everything... (if this isn't making sense tell me lol) and she's developed a need for it. So, let me start over, with that in mind: She's in this beautiful place, with all of the temptations around her (Hence: forbidden fruit) and yet she needs something else to quench her thirst. Which is the guy. The temptation is apparently no match for what he is. So she waits here for him to come again. But when he does he drops the whole act and just hands her one of her many temptations and leaves. The whole point of this was to convey the message: You can have better, so why have me? type thing. But when he leaves she doesn't feel bad about it she just sees it as a kind gesture, like: Thanks for telling me. So, as you can see, the message was poorly portrayed. I think I actually wrote it for myself and that's why the message is only clear to me. I'd love to fix it though so that others could see what I was talking about. Any suggestions?

Clarity. I'm not entirely sure I understood your explanation, much less the poem. I think your problem is that you have this story all laid out in your head, but when you try putting it on paper, you can't get other people to see the image the way you do.
I feel unwelcome in the poem, almost as if I've stumbled into the speaker's expression halfway through and I don't know what's going on. The way the speaker addresses "you" isn't exactly warm to the reader.

Flow. Try not to jump around so much. It's difficult to picture things when you are either switching rapidly from one concrete image to the next or just speaking in abstract phrases or metaphor, which is dreadfully unfun for the reader.
Also, the piece doesn't have that finished, natural rhythm...part of this is the awkward line breaks, which don't really seem to serve much of a purpose in the choppy way you've used them here. And the sentences themselves...they often end on the wrong note, as though they should finish, or at least flow better into the next phrase, like each was written separately and then they were spliced together. Loosen up...let your sentences come naturally and work on eliminating the uncomfortable rhythm by speaking them aloud.

Other than that, I second Suzie and Trident. Good luck!
-Colleen

I'm wondering have you ever read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer?

Well...if you have it sounds like it...

Anyway it's a great poem that can have a lot of meanings...I thought it was about a bot the girl couldn't have..."I think it's better without knowing the meanings...it let's the reader give a little creativity." says my friend bethanyoverload...she's a neewbee

See what I mean?

I really liked this! it was very...forbiddenish? lol

Stephanie Meyer is like my favorite author! I didn't realize that the story I was trying to portray was like that of Twilight until now...or more so like eclipse I think. Anyways, the only reason I gave an explanation of the poem is because I'm trying to get help on how to portray it better. I realize that it's good for the reader to unfold the story...but my poem isn't quite good enough for that to happen just yet . Thanks everyone!

Riedawriter23 wrote:My waterfalls,
My dripping, lazily
In a forest of cumquat trees.
Lips moist with anticipation.
Waiting for the arrival of your
Poetic tongue.
Starving for a string of words
To lather on
My lyric taste-buds.
I sit still,
Beneath the shade of a branch
Birthing that of the forbidden fruit.
And stir slightly, when the air
Is disturbed.
My ears perk
My mouth dries.
I smolder you
with a look of longing.
But you keep silent
And reach into the branches
And hand me the fruit.
The notes of your
Descending down my hill.
Leaving my forest.
Still remain
a song to my ears.

---
Okay, I'm trying to get something out... but I can't. So...yeah.

I really liked this Rieda. This seems as if you're in a dream and is with someone you really shouldn't be with. I really liked the details into it. Keep up the excellent work Rieda!!

-Rick

the part about "my dripping, lazily" that doesnt really fit in

lulu

I liked it but i had trouble understanding what your main point was, I only read it once since its late but it didn't click for me sorry,

Stephanie Meyer is like my favorite author? Dear God how stupid was I in 2008? Was my brain completely detached from my body? XD ahhh I hate twilight so much, it insults literature.

The imagery in this poem is great however it is a bit unclear what the point of the poem is?