Burn #1

Chapter One
Maria



The baby let out a screech and was suddenly engulfed in flames. I screamed as the fire burned my hands. I instantly laid her on the floor and held my hands in pain. I stared at the baby, frightened, as the fire that engulfed her grew in size as some of the furniture near her started to catch on fire. I threw open the door and ran outside, looking frantically around in the dark for something to put out the fire. I spotted a bucket that was collecting some of the rainwater by the door. Snatching it, I turned, caught my foot on the step and tripped. The bucket landed on its side, inside the house, as the water escaped, spreading towards the…fire baby.

I watched as the water reached the edge of the fire, thinking that it would start to burn out the fire. I was wrong. The water continued deeper into the fire without burning it out. I tilted my head in confusion wondering why the water had no effect on the fire. As soon as the water touched the baby, she started to quiet down and the fire disappeared into smoke. I let out a relieved breath and carefully made my way towards the baby who was now quiet. I peered at her cautiously, expecting her to burst into flames again. She was fast asleep.

* * * * *

My surroundings were now cool, but I was still sweating from the fire. I looked down at the sleeping baby that was still on the floor. I was too afraid to pick her up after the baby burned my hands. I looked down at my burned hands with disgust. I tried to move my scorched fingers. I could somewhat wiggle the tip of my fingers, but other than that my hands were useless. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall as I replayed how I came to obtain this unusual baby.

* * * * *

I had made my self a cup of tea when I heard a single knock from the front door. I wish I never answered it. I had quickly finished sipping my tea as I slipped my feet into my warm slippers. There was another knock, louder this time when I reached the door, my hand on the door nob. I recall wondering who would come this late at night to visit. I threw it open and gasped in surprise as the cold, night air blew the heat from my face and caused my eyes to water. I blinked through the tears and jumped back in surprise when I realized a woman, about my age, was standing right in front of me.

"May I help you?" I asked. The woman ignored my question and studied my face. I squirmed uncomfortably under her inspection. The woman gave a nod then placed something quiet large and heavy in my arms. I looked down.

"They will not find her with you. Keep her safe," whispered the woman sadly as I studied the odd bundle.

"Her?" I asked confused as i felt a light breeze. I looked up to see that I was alone.

"Hello?" I called into the night. I squinted looking for her, but it seemed like she had disappeared with the wind.

I had walked back into the house with the bundle, still in my arms. Then I made my way towards the couch and was about to sit down when the bundle moved. I yelped in surprise and threw it onto the couch. The bundle moved again and a small white arm shot out thought the opening. I stared, frozen in place as another arm shot out. The small chubby fingers played with each other before sliding back into the bundle.

I don't know how long I stood there staring at the bundle, but after a very long time I took and deep breath and slowly made my way towards the bundle. When I reached it, I looked down at it, not sure what to do. Then curiously, I started to unwrap it.

A baby, with the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen, stared back at me. It was a girl, I could tell, by the pink bib she had on. I blinked rapidly in shock. The baby, just stared at me curiously. Then without reason, she probably found out that i wasn't her mother, and started to wail. Her eyes were shut tight and were able to squeeze out tears. I quickly picked her up and tried to shush her, but her wails grew louder and out of control.

"I'm sorry, I am not your mother, but you have to stop crying!" I shouted in frustration. I groaned when I made her wails turn into earsplitting screeches.
Then without warning she stopped and opened her eyes. I gasped in surprise. She was glaring at me and the color of her eyes were now a bright red. The baby let out a screech and burst into flames.


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OK, I am not sure if i made it any better.

Good technical use of grammar and punctuation; I spot no major structural flaws save for some missing commas. However, the story is a laundry list. "I did this. Then he did that. Then I did this." Look for sentences you can connect together, and look for unnecessary descriptions. You don't have to fill in all the details; readers can fill in a lot of them with their imaginations. Don't be afraid to get creative with actions. Find new ways to express things.

I tilted my head in confusion wondering why the water had no effect on the fire.

For example, in this sentence you have three things expressing the same concept. The tilting of the head, the word "confusion," and "wondering why." It's not necessary to include all these in one sentence. Using only one, the other two become implied. The reader knows that fire would react to having water come in contact with it, so you don't have to spell that out. Even simply "I tilted my head and stared," is just fine, because the tilting of the head naturally implies confusion, and the staring gives it a sharper, focused feel. Read your work a few times aloud, and each time plug in new phrases to use and see which one "flows" better.

Seems to be an interesting story. I'm definitely wondering who this lady was and who was after her baby. Be careful with "baby on doorstep" kind of introductions; they're used quite often.

Keep it up, Paw! And I give you a late welcome to the site! Keep writing and have fun!

This is hard trying to change it so that it does not sound like a laudry list, like you said, (talking to Doc. Kitty)

Well, I will try, but it might take me a while.

I agree with Doctor Kitty on the bit about: baby on the doorstep being used a lot. It has been used a lot, so it's kind of annoying seeing that at the beginning of a story. Also, the woman in the black cloak was a bit cliche too. I think it was a clever twist when the baby caught on fire. That was very original. Maybe you could put that first in your story and then go to explain the whole being left on the doorstep by a mysterious woman.

Also, if you put the baby burning first, it will draw readers in more and make them a lot more interested. The baby being left on the doorstep coming first could drive readers away becasue it's been used so much.

So again, my advice would to put the burning baby first, then maybe you could tell about where the baby came from.

Instead of having the woman wear a black cloak, maybe you could make her normal looking, but have her dissapear right in front of the main character when the baby is handed over.

Just some ideas. Good start though and PM when you write more please.

Nariel

i agree with doctor kitty. you might be able to improve it by changing the point of view to third person and giving names, but more than anything smooth out the sentance structure.

So much better. Thanks for editing. It drew me in right from the beginning and it made me want to continue reading. I was disappointed when it ended.

"I'm sorry, I am not your mother, but you have to stop crying!" I shouted in frustration. I groaned when I made her wails turn into earsplitting screeches.
Then without warning she stopped and opened her eyes. I gasped in surprise. She was glaring at me and the color of her eyes were now a bright red. The baby let out a screech and burst into flames.

I especially liked this part.

Good job and please continue!