Rain Dancers

Rain Dancers in a pool of echoed water waves.
Splashing, splashing, ricocheting beats in bubbled caves.
Drumming, pulsing, swaying, bursting, lolling all around.
Feet are tapping, rythyms lapping, heads twirl to the sound.
Sparkled sequined gowns of silver reflecting concert light.
Spilling into unison, the dancers fray the night.
And leading to the final act, in which they all refrain.
Settling into a puddle
until they
meet the
Drain.

-----------
Something that I wrote that didn't have to do with death...for once. Hehe, tear it apart as needed.

Your imagery is beautiful, and I liked the ending. I think that the second line is too long. Try reading this aloud to get a better sense of the rhythm. The rhyming is a little forced and I think that this detracts from teh overall beauty of the poem. Maybe try this again minus the rhyme, I really loved:

"Sparkled sequined gowns of silver reflecting concert light.
Spilling into unison, the dancers fray the night."

The idea behind this is really lovely. I noticed that you use a full stop at the end of every sentence until the end. I think that, since this is a poem about rain, enjambment would work well as it would mirror the flow of the rainfall, so I'd give that a try.

Hope this helps.

Riedawriter23 --

This is beautiful. Your imagery is fantastic, and this a lovely and original theme.

I agree with JasmineHart that the second line is a bit too strong, though. But that's the only negative thing I can think of for this piece.

Congrats on a wonderful poem!

- Camille =9

P•S•- Sorry for the useless critique! xD

Great job! I too, love the imagery you used in this piece! I for one don't have much critique to gives, however, I would like to see a little break in the rhyme scheme. With joining the last couple lines together, it is currently the simple AABBCCDD scheme. I think if you added in a little short lines to interrupt the scheme a little, you'd add interest and keep people reading with a bit more attention, for instance:

Rain Dancers in a pool of echoed water waves.
Splashing, splashing, ricocheting beats in bubbled caves.
Drumming, pulsing, swaying, bursting, lolling all around.
Feet are tapping, rythyms lapping, heads twirl to the sound
All night until the dawn

Just that one line added alone I think adds a bit more of an edge to it. Granted, that's not what is needs to be, it could easily vary in length and meaning and whatnot, but just for example. But keep up the writing! That was excellent!