Fifteen Eternal Candles (Chapter 1, Scene 2)

Author's note: The scene directly follows Scene 1. Yes there is a lack of character descriptions and it seems as if things are a bit complex. The very nature of this scene deals with the immense amount of back story that is being introduced. This scene is rather important and helps to establish Pencharmer's mindset. I have more listed in the guide, but since that is longer then this piece itself...on to the scene!

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The raspy voice of Constance replied to his mutterings, “Lord Pencharmer and Lady Victoria. Beautiful and simple, until her marriage.”

Pencharmer turned towards the old butler dressed entirely in a black suit, his voice soft and surreal, “Yes, marriage. Fleeting time.”

The two walked together down the halls of the large manor, walking down the white washed walls filled with beautiful paintings of windmills, castles and lake sides. Staring up at the modeling on the ceiling, Pencharmer sighed softly, “Constance--”

“Yes, sir?”

“How is our guest?”

“Fully recovered I imagine, but amnesia remains.”

Pencharmer sighed softly as he opened the heavy oak door to his study and he moved over to a table filled with leather bound books. The entire study was a scholar's dream, containing thousands of books on rows of cabinets up to the high ceiling. Drawing desks and tables littered the room as bundled up scrolls shot forth from the sides of the cabinets, over tables and even his desk. Flipping through an old dusty tome he read aloud, “Clashing to extinction the bastards of the Goddess annihilated each other until only humanity remained.”

Constance shook his head, “The ramblings of a madman no matter how detailed are still the ramblings of insanity. Entertaining yourself with legends is childish, sir.”

Closing the tome and throwing it to the floor, Pencharmer growled lowly, “Legends come from somewhere just as Avalon did. That name is not of commoner or royal blood.”

“Theft of a name--”

“Its one of their names. Despite his appearance--”

“Did the crystal react--” Constance stopped as a smirk spread across Pencharmer's face. “Your life is forfeit should it be revealed and with time it shall. Your father knew not to mess with their affairs, execution is the law.”

Pencharmer's smirk vanished instantly, “Even so I rather not outlive my daughter. Despite her blood a quiet life is better then no life at all. Sixteen years sure does fly, but it doesn't mean that I have not prepared for the day.”

Constance's eyes lit up as Pencharmer picked up a scroll on the table and said, “That pendant?”

“Why do you think witches exist? Love hides them from the world, right under the noses of their persecutors. Wanderers or hermits, they survive by not exposing themselves. Her mother--”

Constance sighed, “You are the one that never changes, sir. Just like your father before you.”

‘lo again, dude. ^_^

I won’t bother pointing out the problems with dialogue grammar. I’ll let you fix ‘em yourself. ^_^

walking down the white washed walls filled with beautiful paintings of windmills, castles and lake sides.

They were walking down the walls? I’m guessing you meant to say something more akin to ‘corridors’?

Flipping through an old dusty tome he read aloud

Personally, I’d cut out the adjective ‘old’, as ‘dusty’ has connotations of oldness, so it’s not really needed. And like I said in my last review, stacking up adjectives like this can make for cumbersome reading - use it sparingly.

Your father knew not to mess with their affairs, execution is the law.

I’d replace the comma with a semi-colon, colon, or full-stop/period.

Even so I rather not outlive my daughter. Despite her blood a quiet life is better then no life at all.

1) ‘I’ = ‘I’d’.

2) I’d put a comma after ‘blood’.


-- Sureal ^_^

Hi again :p

I really like where you're going with this story. I mean, you set up the um...plot? really well. You show that something is going on but you aren't just dumping it out. It's very good and I will love to read more of it whenever you post it. Just tell me and I'll read it. :) Awesome job.

Love,
Lindsay

Hello Errant.

“Constance--”

You only need one dash here. Two is largely unneccessary.

-“Clashing to extinction, the bastards of the Goddess annihilated each other until only humanity remained.”
-“The ramblings of a madman, no matter how detailed are still the ramblings of insanity.

Commas needed after extinction and madman to break it up and ease the flow.

Although I don't understand what is going on at the moment, I think it'll be revealed later on.

Also concerning the length. These are rather small sections. Make them bigger (1000 words?) or put them into sections relevant to what happens.

really good, altho it's a bit confusing. i like this part better than the first...lol

The second part was not read from the book, it was Constance's reply referring to Augustus Venaldi, the lead researcher into many unusual and magical events. You'll learn more about him way way later.

As for the relevance, this directly follows scene 1. Constance refers to Pencharmer's conversation with Victoria. Its not at all separate, but good point about the length. Perhaps I'll take 2 or 3 of these bite size pieces and put them together, otherwise it would be 12 parts to a chapter!

I'd like to point out, Pencharmer while setting up the plot, this plot is essentially dead. Far more goes on with the history of that pendant then with the method in which he seeks to protect his daughter. I don't feel like typing for another hour to get into the details of all that the pendant symbolizes and becomes a plot focus point, but at the same time is extremely minor to Victoria's development and rather her mother and Pencharmer's relationship.

Also, for grammar if you were referring to the italicized 'their' then you'll learn of them soon enough. The nobles speak far different from the commoners its a different dialect and sentence structure that is more highly noted with Fahd and the others. In fact the language set ups are night and day for the most part as they are separated by class. As a side note... I found a grammatical error for Pencharmer's speech (the I is fine, but he does not use contractions as that is the sign of a commoner!)

"Even so, I rather not~"

"I'd is I would" which is really awkward to say is instead "I rather not"
This variation is really annoying, but it makes Pencharmer and the other nobles sound more dignified then they really are. While the commoners range from terrible slurring and outright wrong pronunciation, its something to make the characters more realistic. As not everyone has the same way of speaking! All people use patterns or styles of speaking that defines them and I tried my best to get all characters unique for it.