On Winter's Aging (with rewrite)

On Winter’s Aging

Oh! Winter slows the watered sea,
And aged snow white brings to thee,
Crystal white strands of my hair,
My wrinkled smile does smooth my care,
Like snow-capped mountains I shall be,
Old and glowing, childish free,
Till snow white hair does fall to ground,
With grace that would a god astound,
Serenity, serenity, sing softly,
Somnolent sleep soon bring to me,
Pale sleep shall not come from tire,
Pale sleep shall come from desire,
A hundred stars don’t dull the moon,
To think that age would end so soon,
Pricksome flame of Winter bright,
Cold asunder with thy might,
I young do dream of growing old,
Do you dream of fire whilst you’re cold?

Rewrite:
One winter evening on a leeward slope,
Came to me such a child-like hope.

That Winter shall slow the watered sea,
And hearty snows shall tickle me.

Frost fed strands of silk-likened hair,
Tickle-wrought laughs shall smooth my care.

Like unscaled mountains, I shall be,
Till last unconquered, childish free.

And the greying of a golden age,
Shall reveal the face of a final page.

To think that age shall have ended so soon,
When a hundred stars never dull the moon.

Then serene, pale sleep shall be sung unto me,
And deliberately, it shall somnolent be.

O, pricksome flame of Winter bright,
The frosts asunder with thy might,
I young do dream of growing old,
Do you dream of fire whilst you're cold?

This seems to have the exact same problem as the other poem I read by you. It makes no sense and I cannot discern what you are talking about. I won't go into detail, since it is the same as with the last one...

And here, your punctuation is even worse. Do you know that, by how you wrote it, that whole stanza is one sentence? Although, seeing as how I can't discern where one would stop and the other begin, I am not surprised you get confused about punctuation.

Again, I am not sure what to suggest. Best of luck to you, though.

Wow, third time today that I've commented right after Suzanne. And for the third time, I totally agree with her.

This poem falls flat on its face because it revolves around its rhyme scheme. Don't let this scare you away from rhyming; it's hard to do, and you just need to practice! If you find yourself changing the syntax of a line or putting in a word or phrase where it doesn't belong JUST to make the rhyme work, slap yourself and say, "Bad!" Forced rhyme is one of the most common mistakes of beginning poets.

If you try to focus more on the poem's well-being than on the state of its rhyme, you'll also be able to work on that clarity problem Suz brought up. "On Winter's Aging" could be expressed eloquently if only you'd think about what you're saying!

-Colleen

well, i normally relate the meaning of the poem in the last line or so. i've always thought that if you write something about your own fancies it's often not necessarry to lat the reader relate. i still did give a guide though. this poem is about my imagining how i would be when i grow old- the answer being like winter. i ended by asking whether winter thinks of the warmer seasons while being cold, just like i think of my personality in old age.
nevertheless, i'm happy that i received some constructive critiquing this time. i will look into the unbroken sentence comment but i think i have seen poems with these. again thanks.

Palantalid,

I have read your poem and what you said it meant; I have also read what my fellows, Cade and Suze have said. I agree with both of them, espeically about the punctuation. As an old friend Bob would say: Do the punct! A poem looses most of it's meaning to the reader when there is no punctuation to guide. Also, I fear the rhyming you have exhibited in this poem has gotten in the way of the meaning you are trying to get across. There are times when the meaning of a phrase or line is actually counter-productive. Some of your phrases don't even mean anything to begin with.

For starters, my advice would be to pare down this poem to its bare bones, and the dominant impression you want to get across, and build from there.

I have to say though, I did enjoy this line, very much: Pricksome flame of Winter bright.

Happy rewrites. Hope this helps.

Ta,
Cal.

This makes sense. It's called "On Winter's Aging", for god's sake it's a basic and common analogy. That's not one of the problems I have about this poem.

But iambic foot and aa bb, and the eight syllable thing you have going is not doing you any favours. You feel it, strongly, it makes my skin crawl. Rhyming poetry is not the devil, structure can set you free, but this just made it feel a little laboured, a little forced. It's the same in music, you work your ass off and then when you get it right it sounds effortless. In terms of structure, I'd kill a few darlings and make it a sonnet, sonnets are more forgiving of structure, longer poems require more delicate flow.

Oh! Winter slows the watered sea,

That's a good line, you can do things with that opening line. Watered sea is intriguingly redundant, I love it. I like the imagery, there's a nice vastness to it.

And aged snow white brings to thee,

bahhh, forced. Never write something BECAUSE it rhymes, never. It's bush league. And I'm not crazy about the 'thee's and 'thy's either, but it didn't make me want to murder you with a cheese grater which some usages of archaic pronouns have, so well done you.

Serenity, serenity, sing softly,

What happened? I like the line but it's a sore thumb to your fascist form, it breaks out the triplet rhythm and busts out of your eight syllable thing and iambic foot.

Somnolent sleep soon bring to me,

The redundant thing again, somnolent sleep, it amuses me, I don't think I've ever seen it's likeness in verse, it's creative, I'm in love. Worked best in the watered ocean but this echo of it this thread through the poem is lovely.

Pale sleep shall not come from tire,

**yoda voice** Merely to rhyme, sentence structure mess around with you should not. I know you know 'tire' as that noun does not exist, verb or nothing, but make some sort of a pun about the rubber thing, if you want it, a more obvious pun. You're really stretching your flow and phrase construction around your structure and it's showing seams.

A hundred stars don’t dull the moon,

That's quite lovely that is. Beautiful image, well phrased, natural. You have talent, you're toying with your boundaries, and I appreciate that.

Pricksome flame

Pricksome flame rocks my socks off. That is gorgeous, it's divine, it's liquid sex.

Crack the whip on this poem, you can do things with it.

Hope to read much much more of your stuff.

jolly good, to hear all this. can't escape without a hearty thank you and of course i'll look into the whole thing. i wont be taking it off though. if you feel like it do return to take a look.
the punctuation will be put in immediately. you might have to wait for the rewrite, or maybe not. i'll see if i can make it seem clearer (also, Kit, i never thought critics could be overly entertaining, but i need second thoughts). thanks to all of you.

REwrite completed. Hurrah.

Well....if anybody sees this can they tell me whether i've rewritten it properly?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....?

If you wanted another critique, you might have PMed someone with a link to the poem rather than asking in guestbooks.

The rewrite is better, but it still suffers from a few things:
1. Being completely forced to match the rhyme scheme and meter.
2. Being too abstract or jumpy (or completely inventing things) to make the rhyme work.
3. Being too wordy. "Frost fed strands of silk-likened hair"--what? Or "somnolent"? Is that a word? I'm thinking solemn, but...um....

I don't get into it until the last two lines, which are decent.

Also, you've put a comma after every first line, which doesn't make sense in some places. It's a common misconception when it comes to poetry, so get it out of your head. Punctuate it as you would a prose piece.

-Colleen

I like it! I think you had some great words in there. My favorite lines were:

"And the greying of a golden age."
This is VERY poetically well-done. It's alliteration, imagery, and metaphore, and they're all cleverly put inside a place where it fits.

"When a hundred stars never dull the moon"
I love this line--though how does it fit where you put it? I don't really understand, really...

"I young do dream of growing old,
Do you dream of fire whilst you're cold?"
That was a great ending. I love how you connect parts of the poem and bring it all to a cohesive, festive, melancholy conclusion.

But the meat of the poem, I do not understand. I didn't really find any major spelling/grammer or wording or theme mistakes, but what did you say? It's a bit abstract.