Ayra wrote:Sunset bled across the sky like liquid fire.
Waves crashed. Trees whispered. But Ayra sat still, as if rooted to the rock beneath her, and [I think instead of and here, while would work better: while the sky burned] the sky burned and swirled above. She didn't care about the spray lashing her face, or the numbness of her feet. [In the previous sentence, the sentence sounds wrong because the structure is not right, there is no parallelism where there should be. Parallelism is when you have the same pattern of words to show importance; use with and and or. There is a handy-dandy parallelism sheet here: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_parallel.html. Plus, you need the same structure for each of the descriptions. So instead of lashing and numbness, it should be: the spray lashing at her face or numbing in her feet. Because of how you have set up the sentence “the spray” is doing the acts. You could rearrange the sentence to: She didn’t care about the numbness in her feet or the spray lashing at her face.]
Nothing was worth caring for anymore. Not now that her father was dead.
His dying words were etched in lines of fire behind her eyes, in an appallingly gentle whisper of thought in her mind. [Really nice imagery in the previous sentence] Don't grieve for me...
But [comma here: But, she was grieving; why: it is a coordinating conjunction at the beginning of the sentence] she was grieving for him. How could she not? She had been with him, in the bright afternoon sunlight, and [instead of and, when: when death had hissed] death had hissed through the air in form of a poisoned arrow [also nice imagery]. An arrow shot from the bow of a demon [be careful, this sentence is borderline purple prose].
Howls rose and fell with the wind; the wild, haunting music of Ayra's pack. Sunset had long since descended into night, and she lay on her back on the rocks, staring up at the cyclone of stars. Crickets chirped from the nearby woods. Waves lapped at the ragged shoreline.
Her gaze was unseeing, her skin cold and numb. How could she go back to the village? How could she go pack to the Pack? How could she tell them that Orron, their Warrior, was dead?
But moping won't do me any good, she though [thought] with a touch of her old fire. I should go see the pack, maybe they'll understand.
Stretching her cramped muscles, she got to her feet. The beach pebbles felt like glass shards beneath her heels. Grief sat like a raven on her shoulder, shadowing her heart with dusky wings. [Watch out for the demon of purple prose.] But she couldn't stay here, not when her father's body lay beyond the hill, so close. Sadness choked her; brought tears of anger and sorrow to her eyes. It wasn't [since this is an English project, you should steer clear of contractions; wasn’t < was not, it is not a rule, but most English teachers like it when you don’t use them] fair.
Each step sent a jarring shock through her shinbones. Each breath sawed in her chest. But [comma here again; But, still she] still she pressed on. She couldn't [de-contraction: couldn’t < could not] collapse here, so far from the village; weakened as she was by wounds and fatigue, she would die in her sleep [does Ayra fear it, know it, or what? As is stands she would die in her sleep is a 3rd person omniscient observation, and it takes from the story as everything else is in 3rd person limited].
She began to feel delusional. [More show, less tell; describe how she feels with each sense, not just sight and sound.] Her father's face was everywhere, floating in and out of focus through the trees. Every whisper of leaves sounded like his voice.
She still had not reached the mountainside where the Pack was currently living. Dark trees pressed in on her, slapping her face with rain-wet branches. [Where did the rain come from?] She could go no further. [Why can’t she? She was just fine soldiering on earlier? What has stopped her now? The branches in her face?]
The ground rushed up to meet her; a dark blur. Earth pressed against her face, but weariness rushed over her like a river. It swept her up in a strong current, pushing her under the surface, into a swirling darkness of sleep... [No ellipses here. Just a period: darkness of sleep.]
* * *
She awoke [woke instead of awoke: She woke to the wetness] to the wetness of dew-beaded grass beneath her cheek. She was freezing. It felt like the blood had frozen in her veins, and her eyes were fused shut with frost.
She groaned. Then [comma here, why: prepositional phrase; Then, memory] memory rushed back.
Don't grieve for me...
She saw once again her father's handsome, ruined face, contracted [I don’t think contracted is the right verb, contracted means acquired, confined, accepted. Perhaps, contorted is a better word: contorted with agony] with agony. [You need a subject, so: She saw again the sheen] Saw again the sheen of sweat on his brow, the scarlet blossoming from his chest like a blood rose. A sob rose in her chest, and she did nothing to stop it.
And [comma here] so [comma here: And, so, she] she crouched in the dark forest, [no comma here, so: the dark forest while sorrow] while sorrow wrenched tears down her face. [No comma because it is a independent clause, then dependent clause.
check out this: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... unctuation]
When she felt she could cry no more, the tears stopped. She was shaking, and frozen stiff. Even to move out of her kneeling position [it should be: Even to move out from her kneeling position] would be impossibly difficult.
I guess I'll die here, she thought miserably. And [comma here] they can discover my dead body in the forest. Surprised by her unusually morbid resolution, she shook her head. No. I won't die. Not here, at least.
She forced her tired brain to think of something, anything to get her out of the forest.
"Second Nature," she said out loud, and her voice echoed eerily in the gloom. But [comma here] she didn't care.
Something deep, almost primordial, stirred within her. Thick, sleek black [is is sleek, black fur or is the black sleek?] fur erupted along her limbs and torso. She felt a fierce ache as her hands twisted into paws, and teeth like ivory thorns ripped from her jaws.
The cold evaporated instantly. Savage joy coursed through her, joy in everything around her - the wind wiffling [wiffling is not a real verb] her lush black fur, the feathery tickle of wings on her back. She felt alive like never before. The joys of her Second Nature never grew tiring.
But [comma here: But, there] there was still the matter of hunger. It gnawed at her like a beaver [this simile seems out of place], sapping her strength. She needed to eat.
* * *
Worry creased Guinevere's forehead in a frown. Where was [were not was: Where were Ayra and Orron?] Ayra and Orron? They were supposed to have returned to the village by Sunset... [No ellipses, just: the village by sunset.]
As she pushed aside the last willow sapling and stepped onto the beach, dread settled over her like a layer of ice.
The air was thick and chilled. A scarlet cloud rose and fell with the tide, washing the pale sand in red streaks. More blood lay pooled in the shallow crevices on a long black rock [lovely description]. She knew without being told that there was death here... [instead of ellipses, comma: death here, but who] but who had been killed was still a mystery to her.
A slight breeze stirred the sand, and there was no longer a tall girl, but a beast. Sharp ice-blue eyes scorched the air [how can eyes scorch the air? Do they shoot light rays or something?]; sunlight glinted on a thick golden pelt. With feline grace, Guinevere padded over to inspect the bloodstains. [Is Guinevere’s other form a large cat? I thought it was like Ayra’s, a wolf. The mention of feline grace makes me think she is a cat.]
Ayra. The first spark of panic was ignited within her. She could smell fear, anger and most of all, grief, but no death. Her friend was still alive. [How does she know this? Telepathy? Or does she smell something? Psychically know something?]
Following the invisible web of blood scent-trails onto the hillside, she recoiled in shock. A body, drenched crimson, lay sprawled in the long grass a couple feet from her forepaws.
She padded closer, caution etched into her every movement. The body smelled dead - and sure enough, there was a basalt arrowhead buried in the man's chest. [Really, really good cliffhanger of an ending.]
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