Traveler

7 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 44
Away she steals beneath the midnight sky,
An eager gleam shining in her green eyes,
And escapes the memories left behind;
The night air soothes her face and clears her mind.

On the rocking waves slumber fishing boats,
Twinkling twins of lanterns on the water float;
The wandering ripples of some distant land
Meet with her feet upon the sea-dark sand.

To the wild calls of seabirds, the dawn breaks;
With cheerful morning shouts, the village wakes.
Boats leave the harbor dock and nets are cast;
On the horizon grows a towering mast.

She stands upon the pier where gather men
To watch the merchant ship come in;
Its sails spread wide, its fat hull filled with goods
To sell to the townspeople of the woods.

She inquires, in an anxious manner,
If the captain could spare a berth for her.
He nods, and with a beckoning motion,
Agrees to take her across the ocean.

A newfound freedom rises in her heart
As the great swells of grey-green water part,
And wash away beneath the prow,
Splashing the salty spray up to the bow.

Heavy sails grow light with the breath of wind;
To trim the rippling canvas, men ascend.
The girl’s dark hair whips around her pink cheeks,
As the sun falls into the ocean’s deeps.

Onward into the east, the trade ship goes,
And eager traveler on current’s flow;
Her white sails embrace the air, moving,
Following the fleet-feathered seagull’s wing.

When at last the sailing ship’s voyage ends,
And her anchor makes home in safe harbor,
The dark-haired girl steps from the deck to dock,
Where merchants, sailors, and city people flock.

A market square’s unfamiliar bustle
Pulses through the crowd with noise and hustle;
Bold elbows, loud voices, and bright colors
Swirl in a dizzying dance around her.

With a tight-clenched hand guarding her silver,
Precious coins, she joins the human river,
And cautiously makes her way up the street
To find provisions and something to eat.

A quiet inn stands far out of the way,
The cost for peace and food a small price to pay,
To escape the deafening roar elsewhere,
And with only two cats the warm hearth share.

When the city’s morning too early comes,
Raucous commotion startles her from
Her restless sleep, and now she must move on
And leave the city to its lively romp.

Southward stretches a desert’s sandy paws;
East a barren scrubland of dry thorns yawns;
To the west, from whence she came, lies the sea;
But to the north is where the mountains sleep.

Curious forests this newcomer greet;
The trees bend their leafy boughs in welcome,
But the jealous roots try to trip her feet.
Keeping to the narrow track, she goes on.

The path leads her steps between trunks of grey,
Under whose arching branches sunlight sways;
Leaves of silver, green, and gold flutter down,
Dropping like jewels from the forest’s crown.

Hours later, the final copper ray
Falls away from the tree-ridged, dusky sky,
Its fading shaft bidding the waning day,
With silent light, a soft and sad goodbye.

Twilight finds the lone girl still marching on,
Fearless of the darkness and eerie sounds.
She trusts in the moon when the fog-clouds lift,
And the woodland where bright fairy dusts drift.
~*~Twinflower~*~




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Gender Female
Points 4987
Reviews 163
Don't know why no one has commented on this. Probably the fear of long poems with a mighty fear. The tendency these days is towards single idea snapshot kind of poems, away from the epics, it is true, but you would have felt more cushy around Samuel Taylor Coleridge's "Christobel", maybe.

It's out of my comfort zone, in terms of poetic form and genre, but you deserve comments, so just don't take anything I say to have any kind of credibility.

Yes you're sometimes slap dab with your rhyming, but so's Coleridge sometimes.

An eager gleam shining in her green eyes,


Hate this line. Hate it. Characterisation with eye colour, pet peeve of mine, but 'eager gleam'? Who uses the phrase eager gleam? Peachy keen, that is. Unless it's a temporal reference, in which case that's good but stronger ties to time period are needed to establish that.


Twinkling twins


Yay, alliteration! I also like wandering ripples, and sea-dark sand, clever observations that serve you well.

To the wild calls of seabirds, the dawn breaks;
With cheerful morning shouts, the village wakes.


This is picturesque on the verge of saccharine, watch it, and watch that you never use anything simply to rhyme. I think maybe an ABAB rhyming scheme may serve you better than AABB, but play with it, see what feels most natural to you, yeah?

The boats are good, you have a handle on your content. There's something vaguely "Under Milkwood" about it.

The girl’s dark hair whips around her pink cheeks,



I like 'whip' it's an evocative verb here.

Eager again, I think it can work for you, it's good characterisation in that it's a rarer word, you do get a strong idea of the fresh young ingenue.


When at last the sailing ship’s voyage ends,
And her anchor makes home in safe harbor,
The dark-haired girl steps from the deck to dock,
Where merchants, sailors, and city people flock.


and your rhyming scheme gives up the ghost. There were some very forced rhymes before this, such as 'wind' and 'ascend', 'cheeks' and 'deeps', wait a minute, 'deeps', that's a typo, yeah? But that's not the point, you pick a rigid structure, then stick to it, no cheating, it's cumbersome.

Bold elbows


Possibly my favourite phrase in the whole poem. That's good crowd characterisation, captured the landscape of the crowd well.

Raucous commotion


I'd even say raucous is redundant to commotion, but you don't have to get too finicky.

'on' and 'romp' though. **wrist slap** and then in your curious forests stanza you slip too ABAB, don't break a well established structure.

Your description of the forest has some rich fragments of it but is not so remarkable, it would be highlighted by maybe some unexpected metaphors, or some stronger sense imagery, but really that's my answer to everything.

The quatrain ballad can do great things, you need not abandon it. There is a sweetness to your work, a freshness. Well done.
Princess of Parataxis, Mistress of Manichean McGuffins




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Points 890
Reviews 96
When at last the sailing ship’s voyage ends,
And her anchor makes home in safe harbor,
The dark-haired girl steps from the deck to dock,
Where merchants, sailors, and city people flock.


I love that line. I could picture it on my mind.




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 12
It really doe's put a image in your mind, and it's grammer is well.
It show's that you really worked on this. I think that many would say that this would be a pretty decent poem and probably deserves to be in a professional book.
But I should point out that it's not much of a traveler but more of a girl traveling across the sea to a town. Other then that, I give it a 9 out of 10.




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Points 2576
Reviews 90
Well Kit did get the most important points but I just had to tell you that the poem had a distinct feeling of movement, it had the energy of flowing imagery. And there at least you have done wonderfully. The figures of speech used (Kit's maentioned some good ones) were well done.
I'd like to mention the third to last stanza- line 1 is awkward. How about- 'The forest its newcomer curiously greets.' Its rhyme would be slanted and its meaning would change to say that the greeting was a curious one. But that fits with the next few lines, which were wonderfully characterised by the way.
Also, I was let down by the ending. It was not emotion-provoking and I was actually expecting some twist of plot or some such. But then I saw the title , which I had overlooked. Overall, wonderfully written, but the theme was a little weak.

And oh, you deserve the star I give you (the first time i've given a star, too)
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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Gender Female
Points 2168
Reviews 183
Away she steals beneath the midnight sky,
An eager gleam shining in her green eyes, - get rid of green
And escapes the memories left behind;
The night air soothes her face and clears her mind. - Nice stanza.

On the rocking waves slumber fishing boats,
Twinkling twins of lanterns on the water float;
The wandering ripples of some distant land
Meet with her feet upon the sea-dark sand. - How are you so good at rhyming?

To the wild calls of seabirds, the dawn breaks;
With cheerful morning shouts, the village wakes.
Boats leave the harbor dock and nets are cast;
On the horizon grows a towering mast. - Oooh.

She stands upon the pier where gather men - "the gathered" not "gather"
To watch the merchant ship come in; - get rid of 'to'
Its sails spread wide, its fat hull filled with goods
To sell to the townspeople of the woods. - this poem is so cool.

She inquires, in an anxious manner,
If the captain could spare a berth for her.
He nods, and with a beckoning motion,
Agrees to take her across the ocean.

A newfound freedom rises in her heart
As the great swells of grey-green water part, - pick one color, it throws off the poem
And wash away beneath the prow,
Splashing the salty spray up to the bow.

Heavy sails grow light with the breath of wind;
To trim the rippling canvas, men ascend.
The girl’s dark hair whips around her pink cheeks,
As the sun falls into the ocean’s deeps.

Onward into the east, the trade ship goes,
And eager traveler on current’s flow;
Her white sails embrace the air, moving,
Following the fleet-feathered seagull’s wing. - your rhyming is become less and less powerful..

When at last the sailing ship’s voyage ends,
And her anchor makes home in safe harbor,
The dark-haired girl steps from the deck to dock,
Where merchants, sailors, and city people flock. - She's arrived! Yay!

A market square’s unfamiliar bustle
Pulses through the crowd with noise and hustle;
Bold elbows, loud voices, and bright colors
Swirl in a dizzying dance around her. - Nice metaphor.

With a tight-clenched hand guarding her silver,
Precious coins, she joins the human river, - haha. human river.
And cautiously makes her way up the street
To find provisions and something to eat.

A quiet inn stands far out of the way,
The cost for peace and food a small price to pay,
To escape the deafening roar elsewhere,
And with only two cats the warm hearth share.

When the city’s morning too early comes,
Raucous commotion startles her from
Her restless sleep, and now she must move on
And leave the city to its lively romp.

Southward stretches a desert’s sandy paws;
East a barren scrubland of dry thorns yawns;
To the west, from whence she came, lies the sea;
But to the north is where the mountains sleep. - So many great metaphors.

Curious forests this newcomer greet; - 'greets'
The trees bend their leafy boughs in welcome,
But the jealous roots try to trip her feet.
Keeping to the narrow track, she goes on.

The path leads her steps between trunks of grey,
Under whose arching branches sunlight sways;
Leaves of silver, green, and gold flutter down,
Dropping like jewels from the forest’s crown.

Hours later, the final copper ray
Falls away from the tree-ridged, dusky sky,
Its fading shaft bidding the waning day,
With silent light, a soft and sad goodbye.

Twilight finds the lone girl still marching on,
Fearless of the darkness and eerie sounds.
She trusts in the moon when the fog-clouds lift,
And the woodland where bright fairy dusts drift.

Wow. This is the longest best poem ever. LOVED IT! I can't really say anymore.
KEEP WRITING!
Got YWS?




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 254
This is one of the better poems I've read here. It tells an interesting story and has a rhythm. It was fun and easy to read. I'm going to give it a gold star.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.



A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden