Let's Grow Up

This is not very good. Open to crit! Enjoy.
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When roses aren't red,
And violets aren't blue,
What will become of me and you?

When the grass isn't greener,
on the other side,
Will we go and hide?

Let's grow up,
Stop being little kids,
Come on, grow up!

When roses aren't red,
And violets aren't blue,
What will become of me and you? ( I like how this flows, and is written backwards, from the normal poem)

When the grass isn't greener,
on the other side,
Will we go and hide? ( This is good, but it would be a little better if you added words to even it out with the first stanza.)

Let's grow up,
Stop being little kids,
Come on, grow up! ( I like the message here, but it seems to short, and choppy when reading. the rest flowed, and this kind of just stops. keep the message but add to it.)

i really liked this, to me it was unique.

kim

I LOVE the first stanza...that was great. But the last line of the second stanza: Where will we go and hide? doesnt really flow well with the rest of it.
And the third stanza sounds a bit choppy. Add some colorful words here and there (no I don't mean profanity). This could be an amazing poem with just a few simple adjustments. Otherwise, awesome!

The first stanza was really good. my friend and i made something similar to that before... Anyways I agree with everyone else. it is a little bit choppy and the rhyme seems a bit forced, but other than that it has a great message.

--Lucky

I like this. You've kept the writing simple, but still portraying something complex behind it. It's very cute, but I do agree that it could be longer. I think it could be a great piece with a little more work. Keep it up.

I didn't like the repetition of 'grow up' in the first stanza, and I thought the sixth line was a bit short to keep the rhythm flowing. However, other than that, I liked the subject matter, and the way the first verse sounded, especially since it had a rhyming couplet at the end rather than the first and third line rhyming.

This was ok. The last stanza didn't quite fit the flow.
It stopped almost to harshly, and forced.
But all in all it was good.

carl