Better Left Untold

You taunt me and you mock me, this secret of yours withhold
yet I spied and pried discreetly, and sorry was my tortured soul--
that I could ever betray your trust to this secret now of old.
Curiosity is not worth knowing stories better left untold.


The whisperings now grow louder, and the glares burn more intense.
Paranoid now becomes of you, as for me-- guilt clenches 'round my neck--
it's merciless claws take hold of me, squeezing me of any sense.
Apologies gone unforgiven leaves the two of us in offense.


For you, life must be hell. Yet at least you can relax somewhat.
You would've kept it bottled up and eventually come to worse--
But now, you can forget it all --the truth's no longer shut.
Yet you never thanked me, and you deny the whole rebut.


Now me, on the other hand...I have to fare the worse in this.
Your opinions mean much more to me, than the mutterings of them.
You see, I've lost a friend--the best of friends--with this secret gone amiss
And my eyes are shrouded, blinded even, by this truth I know exists.


Never let it be untold that ignorance is bliss.

Nice to meet you, Audy:


I do think you have some good ideas in this. You could take this and develop it into a strong poem - you just need to look at it from a different direction. You should keep it in rhyme, I feel, because the effect was subtle and overall worked for the positive.

The beginning was stronger than the final stanzas, but I still feel you should maybe take a new approach to this. Some phrases sound a bit worn out (I've heard them before), and the entire piece reads more like a letter than a poem. Since this is posted in dramatic poetry, I would take a more objective stance to these feelings presented: less focus on 'you' or 'I', and look at it as if you are an outside party. Let me explain:

The emotions I can pick up on are some resentment, maybe bitterness, and remorse. Instead of accusing the other party (why it sounds like a letter) you could relate these events poetically to images and metaphors from your own imagination. There is an endless resource of creative ideas floating in your mind, I'm sure (you're a writer!) so I know you can open up the narrative as much as needed.

This was not by an means a bad poem - but I do think you could sharpen its focus and achieve a more lasting effect on the reader by extending it outward. Good luck in future writing endeavors, and keep posting!

I did not like this. Maybe I'm a philistine, but I just did not like this. I don't believe that it's a bad poem, but I did not enjoy reading it. It bored me. There were just so many words about something I did not care about. To me the poem was: "You betrayed me, thus we do not like each other." You get points in my book for rhyming and pulling it off well, but it's a pity it wasn't about something else. I feel sorry for not liking it, but I personally advise you to just write another poem.

Greenriver- Likewise Thank you, and you're right now that I look back to it, it does seem like the wrong narrative to take, I'll look over this sometime and try to rewrite it in third-person, thanks for the critt Very helpful!

Rigel - Aw, sorry you didn't like it. In defense for myself, it's a little more than just betrayal. I wrote the poem because the events were something that had actually happened to me at that point --but even still, I appreciate your opinion, you shouldn't feel sorry =) lol! I write many poems, but I'll see if I can cook another one up for you ;D

Audy, I liked this one. The emotion was very strong, sometimes writing while in the heat of feelings turns out a very good piece of work.


Carl

I think my biggest problem with this was that some of the lines made absolutely no sense, grammatically, and that made it hard to read.


Here is one example:

Curiosity is not worth knowing stories better left untold.

There should probably be some kind of break between "knowing" and "stories" otherwise it becomes an insane run on that... doesn't make any sense. Several of your lines do this. They kind of have an old world style to them, which is beautiful, but it falls apart in places. I would suggest going through and pulling the laces tighter, so to speak. Make it make more sense; clarity is very important.

Second on my list is that the poem is a bit plane. You're speaking to one person, which leaves the real reading audience out of the poem all together. And don't you want them to feel? And think? and experience something? Which is why you add imagery, and metaphors and pull them in so they know what you are feeling and what the other person is feeling and...etc etc etc. It didn't do anything for me and I didn't feel anything for the narrator of the poem--but it is a good, solid, first draft of a poem. I think it wouldn't be hard for you to go back in and make something better of it.

A poem I would suggest you read is one by a friend of mine, An Arrival by Dream Deep. It reminded me of your poem because the narrator is speak about and to another person. Perhaps it will inspire you?

Best of luck!

Hey, I agree with lysolstinks on your poem. Most pieces of poetry come when the writer is in a mood of deep emotion. That's when, I believe, the best works are created.

Now, about your poem, I feel I really can relate to this right now because it sounds like you and a friend are fighting and you feel betrayed (I could totally be WAY off on this and if I am, you can tell me later ) But anyway, this poem held a lot of emotion and you could feel, by reading it, that something bad did happen between you and this friend.

Okay, well, I found nothing really to nit-pick and all I can really say is that I liked it!

Hi,
I really liked your poem. It was very strong. I feel like I can relate to it. Please write more poems like this. It is hard to come across a good read like this.

This had to be my favorite part

The whisperings now grow louder, and the glares burn more intense.
Paranoid now becomes of you, as for me-- guilt clenches 'round my neck--

Keep Writing.


Love,
N