Chapter 1

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CHAPTER ONE
THE LETTER


Caroline’s glass flew through the air, crashing into the TV. She was in a very bad mood at the moment. She was always in a bad mood. She was throwing things again, much like a child having a bad temper tantrum, and, as always, it was taken out on her nephew, Drake.
When talking with her friends, Caroline would refer to her nephew as “the urchin”. Today, however, she was too tired to say anything, or do anything for that matter. And yet, she found strength enough to throw her glass at “the urchin” from somewhere deep in her lazy body.
She had just gotten home from her job at the local bread factory. She had had what she called a “snotty” customer that day and had lost her temper again. She had yelled at the man and he had tried to be polite, making Caroline all the more upset. So the man left, mumbling about “terrible service” and “bad manners” on his way out the door, only to remember, as he walked in the door of his apartment ten minutes later, that he had forgotten his loaf of bread on the counter of the shop.
And so, here was Caroline, sprawled on the worn-out couch, and mindlessly watching TV. Unfortunately, Drake had gotten in the way during his daily chores, one of which was cleaning the community TV. He had ducked just in time, too, before the glass came whizzing past his ear and crashing into the entertainment center that he had just spent fifteen minutes cleaning.
Drake wished he could be anyone but who he was now – the target. He had always been the target. The target for his aunt’s anger, frustration, and even objects was where he always ended up, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. Today was no exception.
Drake finished his chores and headed up to his room, expecting his aunt to yell at him to come back down and do something else, just so she didn’t have to do it. Nothing happened. Drake gave a silent sigh of relief and hurried up to his room.
Drake opened the door, and headed for the closet. He needed some relax time, which he didn’t get very much of anyway. He just needed a few precious moments to himself.
He took the chair from his small desk by the window and walked over to the closet. He set the chair down gently and stepped up onto it. He looked up. There it was – the entrance to the attic. It was just a small hole in the ceiling, but it was just wide enough for drake to climb through. He climbed into the attic and flopped down onto the insulation piled up on the floor. Dust flew as he fell onto it, causing him to sneeze.
He heard a noise coming from outside. He stood up, and went over to the small, round window of the attic. It was the mailman.
O great, he thought bitterly to himself. It’s mail time. Drake hated when the mailman came. It was just another person for his aunt to yell at for being an hour late. And that was exactly what she was doing. Drake watched on, feeling sorry for the man.
The man tried his best to ignore her and deliver the mail, but Caroline was not about to be ignored. She yelled at the top of her lungs at the man, who jumped back in alarm. The man had had enough. He thrust the mail into her hand, and turned for his truck. He started the engine and drove off and away from “that wretched woman”.
Caroline was not used to having someone whom she was yelling at just turn their back and walk away. This was something new for her. Usually, she thought to herself, he stays rooted to the spot and lets me yell at him.
“Huh.” She said as she looked through the mail. She stopped. She looked up to Drake’s bedroom window, which was below the attic window. Drake ducked down to the floor. He wasn’t about to let his only hiding place be taken away from him by that woman.
Drake heard the front door open and then close. His aunt was inside. He heard someone on the stairs.
She’s coming to my room! He raced back across the attic floor, ducking his head so as not to bang his head on the beams above him. He squeezed through the hole, and landed on the chair in his closet. He carried the chair back to the desk, and sat on it.
His door opened. Aunt Caroline was carrying a small envelope, supposedly with a letter inside.
“Here, this is yours, I guess.” She handed him the envelope. She was too dumbfounded to even question him. He took it, and she left. Drake stared at the name on the envelope – Drake White. It was for him alright. The address was correct, too.
Now Drake was dumbfounded. He never got letters, not even once. And now, here was an envelope addressed to him, with no return address, which left him even more confused. He turned the envelope over. A crimson seal was holding it shut, and imprinted in it were three stars; the middle one being larger than the other two.
Drake carefully opened the envelope and pulled out a small piece of paper with a drawing of a key on it; and a very good drawing at that. The key seemed old-fashioned, with what looked like curling vines for the handle, and a pointed tip. The top part of the key was like a zigzagging maze in the shape of a small square.
Drake, puzzled at the drawing, looks in the envelope again, hoping to find some explanation as to the drawing. His wish was granted. In the envelope was a very small, folded piece of paper. Drake unfolded it, and soon had a full sheet of paper in his hand. It didn’t feel like ordinary paper, however. It was like a parchment; it looked like parchment, too.
The parchment was covered with the most beautiful writing Drake had ever seen. It curled, and flowed across the parchment. Drake read the letter with new fear growing in his heart.

Drake,
Do not be alarmed by this letter. This is not the way I wanted you to find the truth, but you must be warned. The Evil Ones are coming, and you are in grave danger. You must leave your home at once. My advisor will be at your home in a moment to bring you to safety. Now, read the following words carefully. Under the floorboards, below the window, you will find a key. Take the key into your attic, and look for an old box under the pile of insulation. The amulet that you will find in the box is of grave importance; guard it with your life. Take the key with you. Do not tell anyone but my advisor of your discovery. He will meet you outside by the aspen tree. He will bring you to safety. I will be waiting for your return. Good luck.
S. Grey

A foreboding began to grow in Drake’s heart. Who was this S. Grey?Something horrible was coming. He could feel it.
Never the less, he had a new curiosity, like nothing he had ever felt before. He wanted to do what the stranger told him to in the letter. So he did.
He ran over to the window, and began to pry the loose floorboards away. He found it – it was the key from the drawing. He raced up to the attic and tore through the insulation pile. His hand hit something hard, sending waves of pain through his fingers. He pushed the remaining insulation aside. There, amid dust and dead insects was the box. He put the key in the lock and turned it.
The moment the box was opened, a bright light shone through the sides of the box, illuminating the walls of the attic. An amulet, unlike anything Drake had ever laid his eyes on, was in his hand. It was round and silver, on a silver chain. In the center of the amulet was a sapphire, no larger than the head of a thumbtack, but its beauty was undiminished.
Suddenly, Drake heard footsteps on the stairs. He remembered the letter, “Whatever you find in the box is of grave importance; guard it with your life. Do not tell anyone of your discovery.”
He put the amulet around his neck, hid it under his shirt, and scrambled back into his room. The door opened.
“Someone’s here for you,” his aunt growled, apparently recovered from the shock of the letter.
Drake walked cautiously past his aunt, who eyed him the entire way down the stairs.
Drake remembered that he was supposed to keep the key with him. He quickly checked his pocket. The key was there.
Drake reached the bottom of the stairs, closely followed by Caroline. He turned the corner and stopped. There was no one there.
“Hey, where’d he go?” said Caroline, beginning to get uneasy.
Suddenly, a man materialized out of nowhere, appearing in thin air. Caroline let out a scream, and Drake covered his ears. Caroline scrambled to get to the phone and call 911. In that moment, Drake was seized by the arm and quickly led outside.
The door closed behind them as if on its own. They ran. Drake didn’t know where they were running to, but it seemed that the man did, so Drake followed him.
“Do you have the key?” asked the man. His voice sounded familiar to Drake, but he couldn’t remember where he had heard it before.
Drake frantically felt in his pocket. The key was still there.
“Yes, I do,” he said.
“And the amulet?”
Drake felt the slightly heavy amulet against his chest, bouncing as he ran.
“Yes.”
“Excellent. Let’s go.” The man sounded as if he was in a hurry.
“Wait!” Drake exclaimed. “I haven’t packed anything!”
“You won’t need it,” said the man.
The foreboding Drake had felt before was beginning to creep its way back inside him, and it was far from pleasant.
Why "spiders"? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"? - Ron




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I could talk to you about some structural/wording issues to do with this, but I think what you have to work on first is the actual content on the story.

I detect a large Harry Potter influence, and while it is good to draw inspiration from other books/movies/etc this does not deviate enough from the original and merely looks like a copy.

So, here are a few things you should do:

Space the paragraphs. I've done it with this post; put a blank line between each paragraph. It makes it easier to read.

Drake is a pitiful person, and while I am sure you intend to give him all these special qualities later on, I feel more drawn in when the character shows immediately endearing qualities. This is just personal preference.

Also, would Drake really be scared of the situation presented to him? A key, an amulet, a mysterious agenda? He's a young boy trapped with his terrible aunt; mightn't he relish the escape? You don't necessarily have to change this, it's just a question I'm putting to you.

Aunt Caroline. You might want to develop her character a little also; right now she's just domineering and angry. I know in children's stories heroes and villains are set in black and white but villains are people too and I think it's rare to find a person who's all bad.

You should probably remove the letter. You've got an eldritch guy who can materialize at will; he doesn't need to send letters in the mail. This was influenced by H.P, I can tell.

Evil Ones is really generic. Are these evil guys a group of people? If so, they probably have a name for themselves. For example... Alvuris. It doesn't have to have like, "the Order of" or "the League" or anything. Such names are often improved by simplicity.

Just don't use "evil ones."

What if Aunt Caroline watched an urgent news bulletin regarding some mysterious disaster elsewhere in the country? You could hint a connection at the bad guys and this would create a sense of impending doom, which seems to be what you were aiming for. Just an idea.

I think you should go and revise it, then come back with what you've got and I'll take another look at it.




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Umm....you should probably space this out quite a bit. One huge block is hard on the eyes and many people refrain from reviewing.

PM me when you've spaced it a bit and I'd love to read it!
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.




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This was really good, but I agree with Lancrist - the letter part mixed in with the aunt's behavior seemed very Harry Potter-ish. The way you can easily fix that though, is to change the letter scene: maybe have this mysterious stranger appear in Drake's room and suddenly start to look for the key and amulet - Drake yelling and being confused with the man the entire time, then the stranger will tell him to come with him. (of course then you'd have to mention S. Grey later on in the story though.) Also if you want Caroline's reaction then maybe she heard the stanger upstairs and went to investigate.

Also, when you said:

A foreboding began to grow in Drake's heart.


It would flow much more if you said A foreboding feeling began to grow in Drake's heart. (same with the other foreboding)

And when you said

Drake remembered that he was supposed to keep the key with him. He quickly checked his pocket. The key was there.


This might flow a little better if you earlier on say that he put it in his pocket instead of saying this part.

And lastly:

He raced back across the attic floor, ducking his head so as not to bang his head on the beams above him.


It would be better if you said

He raced back across the attic floor, ducking his head so as not to bang it on the beams above him.

instead. (sometimes your words are a little repetitive)


Overall this was very very good, and descriptive. I look forward to reading more! :D
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha




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Caroline’s glass flew through the air, crashing into the TV. She was in a very bad mood at the moment

Obviously.

She had had what she called a “snotty” customer that day and had lost her temper again. She had yelled at the man and he had tried to be polite, making Caroline all the more upset.

She had, she had, she had. This seems kind of redundant. You may want to rephrase some of these sentences when you do some editing, so the words flow better.

She had yelled at the man and he had tried to be polite, making Caroline all the more upset.

I don't think being polite would make someone else become upset. Usually when anger is affronted with calmness, anger subsides.

He needed some relax time

Relaxation time, methinks.


just wide enough for drake to climb through

capitalize Drake.

O great,

Oh, great.


Caroline was not used to having someone whom she was yelling at just turn their back and walk away. This was something new for her. Usually, she thought to herself, he stays rooted to the spot and lets me yell at him.

That doesn't seem realistic.


, puzzled at the drawing, looks in the envelope again, hoping to find some explanation as to the drawing

looked in the envelope

The Evil Ones are coming

The Evil Ones? Could you think of something a little more creative? Also, I wonder why Drake is getting this letter. What's so special about him? This seems too farfetched, to me. If I got a letter like this, I would probably take it as a joke.

Take the key with you. Do not tell anyone but my advisor of your discovery. He will meet you outside by the aspen tree. He will bring you to safety. I will be waiting for your return. Good luck.
S. Grey

These sentences are very choppy. Use some conjuction wods such as and to stretch them.

Also, to paragraph your words, hit enter twice, not just once. If I were you, I would write the letter in italics, or something.


Something horrible was coming. He could feel it.

That seems like a cliche. Right now, I'm not really interested in the story. This premise is nothing new. Hopefully you can deliver something more interesting with your next installment.

Suddenly, a man materialized out of nowhere, appearing in thin air

This seems very unnecessary.

I think you moved things a little too fast with this chapter. At this point, I don't care about the characters, and the story seems really farfetched. Do something to make it more believable. This is probably one of your earlier drafts, so you can always go back and rewrite it. My advice is do some serious revising, and reread the story, asking yourself whether you would care if this weren't your story, and whether you'd be interested.



We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway